I have no fucking idea where to start. It's a long fucking story. Basically, I'm a heterosexual guy who used to really like sex, but how is now living with my asexual ex-girlfriend who really doesn't like or understand sex at all. Being on antidepressants, partly due to our fucked up relationship, left me kind of without a sex drive. That's been a saving grace for a while now. It means I've been able to more or less exist as an honorary asexual, leaving my extremely neurotic asexual ex-girlfriend happy to have a celibate semi-relationship with me.

That said, I still get horny and I'm pretty lonely despite her friendship. I haven't had sex in years. Every now and then I send dirty text messages back and forth with an old flame of mine. Today, while my ex-girlfriend was using my phone for something, she "stumbled" upon my raunchy texting. She has treated this discovery like I am some sort of pervert. Literally, "I've discovered some new aspect of you and I feel like I don't really know who you are," type of reaction.

I've been in this fucked up sexless friend-relationship for so long with this woman that I don't know what is or isn't normal anymore. I have no other friends or anyone to talk to. Is sexting fucked up and weird? Am I a pervert? Isn't it more fucked up that she read my text messages? Do I really need to defend this behavior to anyone—even this person, my ex-girlfriend, who says she has nothing to hide from me, so I should have nothing to hide from her? I feel like I'm through the looking glass here. Please help.

Can't Obey My Ex

Let's review the tape...

...my asexual ex-girlfriend... my extremely neurotic asexual ex-girlfriend... my ex-girlfriend was using my phone... this fucked up sexless friend-relationship... my ex-girlfriend...

You seem pretty clear about this woman being your EX-girlfriend, COME. Have you made that clear to her? If not, do so immediately.

Then once it's over—really, truly, explicitly and officially over—you and your ex gotta start acting like it's over. That means moving out, that means moving on, that means disregarding whatever your ex has to say about your sexual and/or sextual interests, adventures, outlets, etc. Sexual compatibility, relationship rules, and one particular person's good opinion of your sexual/sextual interests, adventures, outlets, etc., only matter in an ongoing relationships, COME. You two are not a going concern. You two broke up for what appear to be good reasons. Extremely good ones. Excellent reasons even. So it doesn't matter what your ex thinks about anything, COME, least of all your sext life. It's none of her fucking business.

But just to set your mind at ease...

The practice of sexting may be more common than generally thought among adults. More than 8 out of 10 people surveyed online admitted to sexting in the prior year, according to research presented at the American Psychological Association’s 123rd Annual Convention.... The researchers found that 88 percent of participants reported ever having sexted and 82 percent reported they had sexted in the past year. Nearly 75 percent said they sexted in the context of a committed relationship and 43 percent said they sexted as part of a casual relationship. Additionally, the researchers found that greater levels of sexting were associated with greater sexual satisfaction, especially for those in a relationship.

You are not a pervert. Sexting is not fucked up or weird , COME, it's common and healthy. In fact, it sounds like something you should do more often. There are a lot of things you should be doing, COME, things that could help release you from your this fucked up limbo you're stuck in—things like getting out of the house, looking for a new apartment, and meeting other people. Go volunteer with an organization doing something that interests you, COME, and you may wind up making some new friends based on a shared interest in whatever the fuck interests you.

Finally, COME, I get there are circumstances which require people to continue living with each other after a break up. Life doesn't always work out as the way we plan and sometimes we're stuck with an ex for eight more months of a lease. Often, though, it's the fear of being alone that paralyzes us. But Joan Price observed on an episode of the Savage Lovecast a few months back, it's better to be alone because you're alone than to be alone because you're with the wrong person. You're with the wrong person, COME—you're with/living with your ex. Move the fuck out already. If you can't physically get away from her, detach emotionally. You don't have to remain friends, or even friendly, with an ex who makes you miserable.