A few months back, I got dumped hard by my girlfriend of almost two years. We’re both straight and in our late thirties. The break-up was a complete surprise to me, and to all of our friends. The two of us had just got back from a vacation together, after which I was more in love with this woman than ever. Then, without discussion or warning, she ended it. Things were great in bed right up to the end, and we rarely had any arguments. Even friends that we saw on that last vacation commented on how nauseatingly cute and happy we seemed. She didn’t talk to anyone, even her close friends and roommate, that she was unhappy during the relationship. It seems that something was boiling up, and she just exploded one day.

This may seem like a shitty move on her part, but in her defense, her previous relationship involved an emotionally abusive asshole, and that definitely gave her a fear of conflict. I knew this early in the relationship, and tried to be inviting and attentive to her thoughts and feelings. I am human, though, and I admit that some stuff may have slipped through the cracks, and I didn’t always have perfect responses to things she said. However, we always seemed to resolve things eventually.

Since the break-up, I have tried to get more info from her about what went wrong. We met up a couple of times, talked on the phone, had loads of email correspondence, took several weeks apart, followed by more correspondence, and another meet-up. Each time we physically meet, it’s fun and pleasant, eerily like things were when we started dating. However, any talk about the break-up just frustrates me. The specific reasons she gives are totally solvable, e.g., “You live far away” can be solved with “I’m open to move closer,” or “We didn’t spend enough time together” can be solved with “Let’s spend more fucking time together.” Other than that, I just get vague statements like “We should be closer than we are by now in our relationship” or “I just don’t see it lasting in the long-haul” or “the more we talk, the more of my suspicions are confirmed,” all without giving actual details. These kinds of responses just drive me mad. I’ve told her that I am frustrated by her lack of clarity, and her response is “I’m sorry that I can’t give you the information you need.”

I also found out, through various non-invasive sources like social media and friends (don’t judge me for snooping), that she has been pretty heavily out there dating since we broke up. No serious relationships, but she’s definitely hitting the market hard. For whatever that is worth.

So, here are my questions about this whole mess:

1. What do you make of this person and how they ended things? She did not ghost me, and has otherwise “been there” to respond to my prods for answers, even if she can’t/won’t actually provide any. Of course, she is not contractually obligated to give me a writ of break-up, with all the reasons outlined in a table, and references at the back. However, as things are, this seems like a violation of your famous Campsite Rule. I am now left wondering how I contributed to the problem, and am worried that I will have PTSD-like baggage going into whatever my next relationship is, wondering what landmine I will step on that will explode that one. The vague answers I get don’t let me learn from this experience and just leave me helpless.

2. Should I continue to talk to her? Should I attempt to remain friends with this person? Should I write her off and block her from my life? (this would be fairly easy to do, logistically.) You have many good reasons to keep friendly that you outlined back in May. However, I also have to protect myself.

3. Do I hold out some hope that we could work this out? Admittedly, I still love her. This has been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had. From what she has told me about her past relationships, it seems like she is in a similar boat. However, I can’t ignore this huge communication issue that we have. I would like to think that we could work through it, assuming she is on board. I also get that “the fuse is already blown” as one friend put it, so this will not be a simple fix to get the relationship going again. To be clear, I am not asking if I should put my life on hold and remain celibate until she comes running back into my arms. More if I should keep the option of reconciliation open, or is that just going to fuck with me and any chances of future happiness.

Could really use your keen mind on this one, Dan.

Constantly Lamenting Over Sudden Unexplained Relationship Ending

1. Here's what I make of this person and how she ended things: She wanted to end things, she had her reasons for ending things, she ended things.

Now here are a few things I'm wondering about you, CLOSURE. First, I wonder if there isn't more going on here...

I am human, though, and I admit that some stuff may have slipped through the cracks, and I didn’t always have perfect responses to things she said.

...than you let on. Are you minimizing? Or is it possible your ex may have experienced those "imperfect responses" differently than you did? Did she find your imperfect responses intimidating or threatening in ways you didn't intend and/or didn't pick up on at the time?

And while I'm fond of the f-word and use it liberally myself, I wonder if this little flash of anger...

“Let’s spend more fucking time together.”

...isn't a clue. Maybe, maybe not.

And I wonder if you caught the second Q&A in this recent Savage Love. My advice to STUCK, whose boyfriend wouldn't let her break up with him, included this...

Breakups are the only aspect of our romantic and/or sexual lives where the other person's consent is irrelevant. The other person's pain is relevant, of course, and we should be as compassionate and considerate as possible when ending a relationship. (Unless we're talking about dumping an abuser, in which case safety and self-care are all that matters.) But we don't need someone's consent to dump them. That means you don't have to win an argument to break up with your boyfriend, STUCK, nor do you have to convince him your reasons are rational. You don't even have to discuss your reasons for ending the relationship. You just have to say, "It's over; we're done." It's a conversation (and relationship) ender, STUCK, not a conversation starter.

...and the flip-side/photo-negative of my advice for STUCK applies to you, CLOSURE: Your ex doesn't have to win an argument with you to end this relationship. Sometimes we get dumped for reasons that are obvious and we don't need answers or explanations. Sometimes we get dumped for reasons that seem mysterious and we're left scratching our heads. Sometimes we get answers from our exes and it all makes sense. Sometimes we get answers from our exes and our egos won't allow us to see the sense in them.

Final thing I'm wondering: Why on earth she keeps meeting, emailing, and talking with you, CLOSURE, and why on earth you keep meeting, emailing, and talking with her. You haven't gotten a satisfactory answer from her yet and you're never gonna get one... because you don't think it should be over. The lesson in all of this for you—what you're going to learn from this experience—is an old one: you can't have always have what you want. That goes for answers and ass, partners and presidents, threesomes and threesomethingselse...

Final wonder: I'm wondering if you've made a close study of the campsite rule, CLOSURE. Here it is:

In any relationship, but particularly those with a large age and/or experience gap, the older partner/more experienced partner has the responsibility to leave the younger/less experienced partner in at least as good a state (emotionally and physically) as before the relationship. The campsite rule includes things like leaving the younger/less experienced partner with no STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, and not overburdening them with emotional and sexual baggage.

The campsite rule allows for leaving—hell, it presumes leaving. And your ass got left, CLOSURE. We all get left sometimes. And while it can feel devastating... it's typically (and paradoxically) not an experience that leaves us devastated. If you really think you're suffering from PTSD as a result of what sounds like your run-of-the-mill/bolt-from-the-blue dumping to me, CLOSURE, you may have been too emotionally fragile to enter into this relationship in the first place. Maybe it's just the freshness of the pain talking, CLOSURE, but if getting dumped—which is always a risk—is impacting your mental health this severely, your issues may be bigger than "my ex didn't dump me juuuuust right."

If that's the case, CLOSURE, I would recommend talking with a therapist or a counselor about relationships generally and coping skills specifically. I'm not saying you're unwell or a monster or an asshole. But if you're not being hyperbolic, CLOSURE, you need to talk this shit out with someone other than/in addition to a snarky faggot with an advice column.

2. Continue talking? Not if rehashing the end of this relationship is the only thing you have to discuss. Remain friends? Not if being her friend causes you pain or if you have an ulterior motive, e.g. you're hoping to get back together. Block her? If that's the only way to protect yourself from Instagram and Twitter posts and text messages that cause you pain, CLOSURE, then block away. But definitely stop checking in on her social media accounts and pumping friends for info. It doesn't sound like you've crossed the line into stalking—if looking at an ex's Instagram account is stalking, we are all stalkers—but it's not making you feel any better, is it? So stop.

3. No.