Charlotte Purdy /

Dear Mitt,

You’re probably feeling shitty, because everyone’s been making fun of you for dining with the devil. I mean, just a few months ago you said all sorts of principled things about the orange monster that is going to be our president that made me think you were the only reasonable Republican alive.

"Here's what I know: Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud," you said in a speech back in March. "His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. He's playing members of the American public for suckers: He gets a free ride to the White House, and all we get is a lousy hat.”

But, now you’re talking to the Oompa Loompa for the Secretary of State gig and people are saying all sorts of mean things and saying how you have no spine and you’re a total wimp and a sell out and have lost all moral standing.

It might be true, but don’t listen to them. Your name has been tossed around for the Secretary of State gig—and this possibility is a marked improvement from Ghouliani or John Bolton.

Listen, Mitt. Suck it up and do it for your country. If you are Secretary of State in a Trump administration, you will be the only adult in the room. And what a scary room it is—filled with racists, bigots, homophobes, ignoramuses— men (and it’s mostly men) who have fervent anti-women, anti-gay, and anti-everyone-who-is-not-a-white-male beliefs.

Right now, we’ve got a guy who by all accounts doesn’t know anything at all about the world and has no idea how to speak to foreign leaders. (Here's a sample quote from Trump's phone call with Pakistan's prime minister: “You are a terrific guy. You are doing amazing work which is visible in every way. I am looking forward to see you soon. As I am talking to you Prime Minister, I feel I am talking to a person I have known for long.”)

Trump has the thinnest skin on the planet and could set off World War III with a tweet. I will sleep better if you are representing the country, traveling around the globe and meeting with the other fascists and dictators and know that you would be able to run interference and serve as a firewall between Trump and nuclear destruction.

I mean, I have never been so happy to see your name in the press—I forgive you for your snide comment “47 percent" comment four years ago, and in light of “grab them by the pussy,” “binders full of women,” seems positively quaint. I’ll even forgive you for bending yourself out of shape to kowtow to the racist Republican base and disowning your great health care plan (on which Obamacare was based), and the fact that your more moderate outlook on abortion slowly devolved into a rigid pro-life position, so you could try and get a few votes. I always guessed (hoped) that your heart wasn’t in it.

So Mitt, I’m serious. Whore yourself out to Trump. Close your eyes and imagine you’re somewhere else when you talk to him about how “great” and “amazing” Vlad is. Imagine holding hands with your wife, and drinking Coca-Cola or whatever is it nice Mormons fantasize about in private. Do it. Do it for America.


P.S. Memo to John Kasich—you suck for not taking the Vice Presidency a/k/a Shadow Presidency.