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Two guys, Dan.

1. My boyfriend. Brilliant, truly. We have a small artistic business together, we have the same goals, we go to therapy and he works really hard on himself. He probably has depression, sex is so fraught we aren't having it right now, just doing exercises to get us to a healthy place. Every few months we go into crisis mode because he doesn't feel satisfied with his life and projects it onto our relationship. Still, we're committed to each other. 4 1/2 years (not counting a six month break in the middle). I love him, I just really love sex too. Like in a deep way.

2. Ex. We never got over each other, the sex is insane (experimental, generous, passionate,) we live across the country from each other and he isn't looking for a relationship. Can't stop thinking about him. He admits to the same. I've cheated three times with this guy over seven years.

Writing this out, I see what the smart choice is. Do NOT move across the country and destroy my relationship for a guy who doesn't even know how to prioritize me. But I don't know what to do with my feelings for him. I don't WANT to get rid of them. I feel like a reckless fool. I could use some advice.

Torn Between Dudes

Two questions, TBD:

1. You can’t have your BF and sex with your ex too, right? You can’t have the love and loving relationship you're in and while taking the sex and the stress associated with it off the table while having sex with someone else?

2. Is your ex not looking for an relationship because he isn’t over you? Or because he doesn’t want an relationship with you or anyone else?

Bonus questions: What if your current boyfriend's problems can’t be solved or resolved, no matter how long or or how diligently he works on himself? And what does it look like when he “projects” his dissatisfaction with his life and projects “onto [your] relationship”? Are we talking moping and/or depression? Or are we talking accusations, threats, rages?—Dan

I brought up non-monogamy. BF seemed open to it, but our therapist wants us to get really stable before we go looking for satisfaction elsewhere. I got a great spanking from a former dom at a party, told BF about it, and he said he would have been cool had I asked first. So that's on the table. But he also seemed really bummed that I went to someone else at all.

Ex is sowing his wild oats. He bails on people when they get too close—really classic defensive stuff. I find myself getting pretty jealous when I see he's sleeping with someone.

If BF can't resolve sex issues, I can't stick around. I love him, but I want a partner who loves sex as much as I do. Putting a time limit on this would put enormous pressure on him though, which is part of the problem. Pressure, performance, exertion, these are the things making sex difficult for him. (I'm super supportive and patient, but I have communicated that I love and miss sex.) There are no rages, not threats. Everything seems fine and then I find out he's been unhappy. Doesn't like his job, doesn't like where we live, wants to feel free, resents me. Then we talk and he chills out. It keeps me a little jumpy.—TBD

Resents you? For what? For sticking around and putting up with him? Hm. Free-floating, inchoate resentment can be a control mechanism, and a deeply shitty one.

Let's zoom out for a moment: Your current BF and your ex-boyfriend aren’t the only two men on the planet. And your therapist? Not the only therapist on the planet either. Your boyfriend’s needs take precedent, it seems, and suggesting you must achieve “stability," which is a vague and subjective marker, before you can even discuss opening up the relationship might be getting things exactly backwards. Because if opening up the relationship allows you stay in the relationship, TBD, then opening it up will stabilize your relationship. Too many therapists see sex as a distraction and/or a problem to be dealt with later, if it's ever dealt with at all, and certainly not something to prioritize. The unhappiness of the partner who doesn't want sex and doesn't want to open the relationship is paramount, the unhappiness of the partner who feels rejected and deprived is somehow irrelevant.

Yeah, no. Your boyfriend is unhappy, and that’s a problem, and you’re working on that. You are also unhappy, TBD, that's also a problem. And you can work on that too and you should be able to work on it concurrently.—Dan

P.S. And 4.5 years is a long time to wait for someone to get his shit together. Just sayin'.

God bless you, my thoughts exactly. Aren't long relationships hard, though? Isn't that just a fact? Don't you just pick someone and love them? Or is that sad and cynical?—TBD

Yes, you pick someone and you love them. But there should be more joy than hardship, generally speaking, and sex-and-dating-and-romance-and-partnering-off isn't a game of musical chairs where you get nailed to the first seat you took. You can stand back up and start the game again.—Dan