Just hanging around, stealing apples from people because Im pregnant. HEY! YOU! GIVE ME THAT FAWKING APPLE!!
"Just hanging around, stealing apples from people because I'm pregnant. HEY! YOU! GIVE ME THAT FAWKING APPLE!!" Courtesy AMC

Good afternoon, Walking Dead fans! Did you happen to catch last night's mid-season finale that was intended to PUMP YOU UP for taking on Trump in 2017? (That was probably not the intention, but since we're grasping at straws anyway, why the hell not?) Let's CHITTY CHAT about it with my spoiler-filled recap of last night's episode! RAH! RAH! RAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Hearts Still Beating."

1) We kick off the episode with Maggie at the Hilltop stealing apples from that puss Gregory, because a) she's pregnant, hence she gets all the fucking apples, and b) Gregory is a puss. (BTW, this is setting up the groundwork for Maggie eventually becoming the next Negan... except all she wants are apples.)

2) MEANWHILE... Daryl finally escapes from his cell, steals some clothes that are only 10 percent more fashionable than the sweats he's wearing, and runs out to steal a motorcycle. Karate Jesus is there, standing around looking like he just finished a GQ photo shoot, and here comes Fat Joey to tell Daryl that he can take the motorcycle and leave. Daryl responds by beating Fat Joey to death with a pipe (unnecessary, but Daryl gets a pass for this one) and taking back Rick's Colt Python (pistol, not penis—but it is a metaphor for penis).

3) MEANWHILE... over at Zombie Pond, Rick and Aaron paddle a hole-filled boat to the gun-filled houseboat. Aaron falls in, and is overwhelmed and drowned by zombies. RIP, Aaron and we hope... WAIT! Aaron pops back up like this...

Im OKAY! Im OKAY!
"I'm OKAY! I'm OKAY!"

On the houseboat they find the guns and a note with somebody flipping the bird, which reads, "Congrats for winning, but you still lose." Stupidly, Aaron decides to keep the note. (You'll see why later.)

4) MEANWHILE... Negan is having a family dinner with One-Eyed Carl's Jr. (who's dry socket is looking especially dry lately), and takes a meeting with that jerk-off Spencer who tries to suck up to Negan by offering him whiskey and then makes a play for Rick's job at Alexandria. THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL HEE HEE HEE. Negan informs him that Rick's ass-kissing takes guts, while Spencer's ass-kissing takes NO guts. He demonstrates this visually by carving Spencer up and laughing as his guts spill out on to the street. (So now I'm thinking Negan isn't all bad? HEE HEE HEE.) Unfortunately Sgt. McSexy uses this opportunity to use the single bullet (made by Fat Elvis) for her Negan assassination attempt, and strikes Lucille the Bat instead. He's about to start killing everyone unless Rosita narcs out whoever made that bullet, but Fat Elvis confesses and is carted off to (probably) Daryl's empty cell. (I think those prisoner sweatsuits are better for Fat Elvis' body type anyway.)

5) MEANWHILE... Rick and Aaron have returned with the houseboat guns, but Negan's men find the
"fuck you, losers" note and beat the holy shit out of Aaron because this is junior high and they're the varsity football team. Negan tells Rick that no matter what he brought back, it isn't enough thanks to Rosita and Spencer's shenanigans—and he leaves. Rick runs into Michonne who gives him a Braveheart-style pep talk that individually no one can beat Negan, but together we can! YES, WE CAN! YES, WE CAN!

6) MEANWHILE... Something something something dude from the Kingdom, Morgan, and Carol's sweater.

7) MEANWHILE... Rick's Rangers assemble at the Hilltop (including Daryl who still looks like shit) to meet up with Maggie. And all are bound and determined to fight together for every single apple they can steal! RAH! RAH! RAH! APPLES!!!!! (At least I think that's what they were planning to do.)

8) And so ends the mid-season finale! After a looooong, and borrrrrring first half, I'm hoping February will bring a lot more forward momentum to this show—how about you? Put your comments in the comment section below, and LEAVE AT LEAST ONE APPLE. I'm taking care of you, people! So you better PROVIDE.

Does that look like an apple to you? I SAID, DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A FAWKING APPLE TO YOU?!?
"Does that look like an apple to you? I SAID, DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A FAWKING APPLE TO YOU?!?" Courtesy AMC