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I’ve known this person, Kathy, for about ten years and we're very good friends. We would text each other daily, hang out regularly, and all in all were pretty close. In college, she was always dating someone new but would do things like invite me over for family events like Thanksgiving, Christmas and even birthdays. It got to the point where our friends and her boyfriends thought we were dating. After college, we continued to hang out and were still fairly close, but it wasn’t until I saw her go home with another guy that I realized I had feelings for her. I asked her if she felt the same way and she said no and I accepted that things would never work out between us.

I was understandably upset and didn’t want to put myself in the “friend-zone” and waste my time holding onto the hope that she changes her mind. I told her I needed space and cut her out of my life. That’s probably not the most mature thing to do, but I didn’t want to make myself miserable by listening to her talk about all the guys she’s fucking, having her introduce me to them as her good friend, and feeling like her fake boyfriend at family events.

At the same time, most of my guy friends all became addicted to online video games. Before you laugh, it’s gotten to a point where they’ll play from 7pm to 5am, some of them will take off work just to play World of Warcraft and my one friend even stopped applying for jobs after college and now all he does is live in his parent’s basement playing video games.

Needless to say, I did some soul searching and decided to do something that I want to do and apply to the Peace Corps to hopefully work fighting HIV in Africa. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m at a point in my life where I can put everything on hold to go do that. However, on the application you are required to list a mentor and close friend as a reference, I chose Kathy. I put her name down because she's a good friend and all my other friends have dropped off the face of the earth and refuse to text me back or even return my calls.

Enough time has passed that I’m trying to be her friend again, but it seems like she wants to ignore the reasons why we initially stopped talking. Whenever we talk, it’s typically about the guy she’s fucking this week and how good or bad the sex is. Additionally, she’s also in a long distance open relationship with a guy from across the country and she wants me to meet him. I’m trying to be happy for her but it’s becoming more and more difficult when she’s insistent on me meeting the guys she’s with in order to get some sort of approval from me. I understand she views me as a friend, but I don’t think she wants to acknowledge that I had, and still have, feelings for her.

Fast forward to yesterday, after finding reasons to avoid meeting her long distance boyfriend over the holidays, Kathy invited me as the 5th wheel on a double date between her, her boyfriend and my roommate with his girlfriend. They’re also going to be hanging out at my apartment and it feels like she’s trying to corner me into meeting him. I’m sure Kathy's boyfriend is a good guy, but I genuinely don’t want to meet him.

I don’t really know what to do in this situation. Is it possible to still remain friends with this person if it feels like she’s not respecting my personal space or the boundaries between us, or do I have to cut her out completely?

Seeking To Understand Crushon Kathy

Your first mistake—or your most recent one—was listing Kathy as your reference. Did you go to school? Elementary, middle, high, or college? There wasn't a single teacher, coach, or counselor you could've asked to serve as a reference?

There had to be, STUCK, so I'm calling bullshit on the reason you reinitiated contact with Kathy. You reached out to her hoping things might be different—you hoped she might want you now in the same way you've wanted her always—only to learn that nothing has changed. You're as into her as ever, STUCK, she's as not into you as ever. So you're going to have to cut her out of your life.

Again.

You say you "accepted that things would never work out," but you didn't, dude, not really. You kept thinking about it—and most of that thinking was of the wishful/dickful variety—and that was your biggest mistake. By continually reinvesting in this idea of You (someday) + Kathy (someday) = Bliss (lifelong), you kept something that should've been left by the side of the road to die on life support.

You ask if it's possible to "remain friends with this person" when it feels like she’s "not respecting my personal space or the boundaries between us." It would be possible, STUCK, if you were over Kathy. You aren't, so it isn't. And if respecting your personal space and boundaries requires Kathy to pretend that she is single (no mentioning boyfriend(s), making sure you never meet any of her boyfriend(s)), then your demand for respect is unreasonable and unworkable.

Kathy did her job, STUCK: You told her you had romantic feelings for her, she told you she doesn't feel the same way and never will. She's obviously open to having you in her life—she'll make time and space for you—because she genuinely likes you or because she needs someone presentable to pass off as her boyfriend at family events or because she's cruel and gets off on torturing you. It could be all of the above. But now that you know for sure you and Kathy are never, ever gonna happen, and now that you know being Kathy's friend only makes you miserable, you need to cut Kathy out of your life. Again. Once and for all and forever and for always. Amen.

And, hey, did you say you were thinking about applying to the PeaceCorp? Great idea! Get some space! See the world! Make some new friends! But physical distance alone doesn't cut it these days—not in the InstagramTwitterSnapchatFacebook Era—so the onus is on you to create mental/emotional/social distance. Unfollow her on all social media platforms, STUCK, refrain from lurking, don't talk to her, don't talk about her. And while the PeaceCorp's a good step (professionally, socially, emotionally), you need to start thinking about what comes after the PeaceCorp. What are you gonna do when you come home? Where do you want to live? What kind of friends do you want to have? (Also, none of your old friends return your texts? Are you a bad friend? Do you pick bad friends? What can you do to be a better friend/pick better friends?) There are so many things for you to think about that aren't your hopeless crush on Kathy.

Good luck.