My partner and I are getting married on February 26th. We are both male. We have been living together since May and together as a couple just over two years. After the November election we made the decision to move up the wedding we had been talking about but were planning on having perhaps a year down the road. The reasons were romantic as well as practical. First, I purchase my insurance on the exchange and have pre-existing conditions. After the inevitable repeal of the Affordable Care Act it's not clear whether I will be able to get health insurance at ANY price. My lovely husband-to-be has outstanding insurance at his job and after we're married I can access his insurance benefits. Secondly, we are concerned that Trump's Supreme Court picks, with his Vice-President's urging, will undo marriage equality and perhaps take us back to a time when we will not be able to marry. Last, but not least, I am crazy in love with him and want to be married!

Now my question; My partner has a number of relatives who were vocal supporters of Donald Trump and Mike Pence. I had said as soon as we began planning our wedding that I would not have people there who worked hard to put my right to marry under threat. Now, after speaking to his mother, my fiancee is asking me to invite at least two couples who I would rather not have there. He says their support of Trump had nothing to do with our rights and was based on other factors. I don't care. It's not like Pence's positions on LGBT issues were a secret. I continue to say that I don't want people there who made decisions in the election that threaten my rights and my freedom.

Should I grit my teeth and invite them or should I dig my heels in and tell them to fuck off? The invitations need to go out in the next week or two. Help!!

Knowingly, Nervously Omitting Trump Supporters

You could dig in your heels and tell them to fuck off, KNOTS... but your fiancé and future husband is included in that plural pronoun ("them"). Do you really wanna tell him to fuck off? Also among the go-fuck-offs: your future MIL. I assume she didn't vote for Trump—otherwise you would object to her coming to the wedding too—and I wonder if you wanna start your marriage by putting your future husband in the uncomfortable position of having to choose between upsetting his mother and upsetting his fiancé?

Maybe you do, KNOTS.

Maybe your future husband allows himself to be bossed around by his overbearing mom and your man needs to start standing up to his mommy and if you're the most important person in his life—if you're the person with whom he wants to spend his life and make his immediate next-of-kin through marriage (supplanting dear ol' mom and dad in the process)—now might be a good time for him to start standing up to his overbearing mother. Because you should come first and your feelings—particularly in regards to your own wedding—should take precedence over hers.

But does your fiancé routinely cave to his mom? Is his mother overbearing? Or is she lovely and would having these four dumbfucks at the wedding mean a lot to her? And what kind of relatives are we talking about crossing off the guest list here? Are we talking about cousins or are we talking about siblings? Are we talking about hurting the fee-fees of some near-/glorified-strangers you're unlikely to see ever again or are we talking about going to war with people you're gonna see again and again at family events—Christmases, Thanksgivings, weddings, funerals, milestone birthdays—where someone else is in control of the guest list?

I'm torn.

I definitely think people who voted for Trump should be held accountable, KNOTS, and exacting a social price is one way of holding them accountable. Lots of people didn't go home for the holidays this year to communicate their displeasure to Trump-voting family members. It was a move I supported, KNOTS, and not just rhetorically: Terry and I hosted a refugee from a red state over Christmas.

But... but... but...

Compromise is the grease that lubricates a marriage. As SPUNK Lube is to your ass, KNOTS, so compromise will be to your marriage. Over the years you're gonna have to weigh your preferences against those of your husband when you're making choices about all sorts of things, from buying housewares to buying houses, from having kids to having threesomes. Sometimes there's not going to be a middle ground—sometimes there's no compromise that allows everyone to win—and one of you is gonna have to lube up and take one for the team.

A wedding wouldn't have to make a political statement, KNOTS, in an ideal world. But in a world with a Trump/Pence White House, gay weddings will continue to be politicized. And you don't want these Trump voters at your wedding, KNOTS, for totally legit political and personal reasons. But if your fiancé has to invite these four assholes to your wedding to keep the peace with his otherwise lovely mother, KNOTS, here's the compromise you should propose/demand: a speech will be given, either during the ceremony or at the reception, about the importance of defending marriage equality from Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and anyone they might get away with appointing to the Supreme Court. Put pens and donation envelopes for Lambda Legal and the National Center for Lesbian Rights at every place setting and encourage your guests to join you in resisting Trump/Pence by making small, symbolic donations—or great big ones—to either or both of these excellent organizations. Send your cute flower girls/boys/nonbinaries around to collect the envelopes and make an awwwwwwe moment out of it.

Don't run the idea by your fiancé's mom, KNOTS. Just do it. Will the two couples who voted for Trump be made to feel uncomfortable? Yes, they will—and they should feel uncomfortable (and ashamed, IMO). Knowing that moment is coming, knowing a point will be made, should help you relax and enjoy your wedding and your other guests. And who knows? Maybe spending an evening surrounded by people who didn't vote for Trump/Pence will have an impact. Maybe hearing your friend's speech and seeing other people fill out those envelopes will make these four assholes less likely to vote for Trump/Pence in 2020—or Pence/Santorum if Trump is impeached in his first term, which looks likelier with every passing day.

Basically, KNOTS, I'm suggesting that you can invite these two couples to your wedding and tell them to fuck off. You can have it all, gurl.

P.S. After the election I received scores of letters from nervous gay and queer couples asking if they should get married ASAP, and those questions are still coming in. So once again: Shannon Minter, the legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, which has taken marriage-rights cases to the US Supreme Court (and won), gave this advice:

There is no realistic possibility that anyone's marriage will be invalidated. The law is very strong that if a marriage is valid when entered, it cannot be invalidated by any subsequent change in the law. So people who are already married should not be concerned that their marriage can be taken away.

Additionally, it's unlikely that marriage equality will be overturned. Minter again:

The doctrine of stare decisis—which means that courts generally will respect and follow their own prior rulings—is also very strong, and the Supreme Court very rarely overturns an important constitutional ruling so soon after issuing it. Even the appointment of an anti-marriage-equality justice to replace Justice Scalia would not jeopardize the Supreme Court's 2015 ruling on marriage equality, and the great majority of Americans still strongly support the freedom of same-sex couples to marry.

That said, this administration is armed to attack the rights of women and minorities, and there are plenty of fights coming our way—including other attacks on queer rights. Trans people are especially vulnerable. We can fight by donating our time and money, by paying attention, by making sure everyone we know is registered to vote, by showing up to vote in midterms and off-year elections, and by reading this and following its recommendations.