A woman recently wrote in about her friend who went on an OKCupid date and the date went through her underwear drawer overnight without her permission. I said the friend probably got pervy with this guy, wanted to tell her friend about this guy's kink, but was too embarrassed to admit that she played along and possibly got into it. And—whoa, this doesn't happen every day—her friend wrote me to clear up said panty raid:
Hello Mr. Savage,
As the lady in question for MIA's story, I must say Perv Hooves did indeed work on his own. Her rendition of my story was slightly off. My entire panty drawer had been gutted and my panties were just "causally" covering his feet. When I woke up at 6 AM, randomly, sleep still in my eyes, to my emptied panty drawer in the middle of my floor and my lovely lacies piled on his feet, my first thought was, "How/why how did my puppy manage that?" I put everything away, let my dog outside and fell back asleep. I didn't even remember it had happened till later that night while I was lounging on the couch. I am not ashamed or quiet about my freaky preferences and have no issue about other people's kinks. However, going through my panty drawer without my consent was... invasive.
Coverstation and Consent
P.S. Since sharing my story with MIA, I briefly talked to panty slipper about the incident and he is pleading the fifth, so who really knows what actually transpired.
Remember, kids: I'm not omniscient—I just pretend to be on the Internet. OK! More feedback. This time in response to SLEEPER:
Your advice to the couple that struggled to sleep in the same bed was all good. I'd add one suggestion for the guy. Get yourself checked for sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is defined as "a sleep disorder characterized by pauses in breathing or periods of shallow breathing during sleep." Sometimes apnea comes along with snoring, but not always. Men are way more likely to have apnea that women. I have sleep apnea and before it was diagnosed/treated I struggled to sleep and often woke up soaked in perspiration. This is not good for rest and over time can be damaging to the heart if left un-treated. I also kicked my legs a lot—all of which were not popular amongst people who were in the bed with me. The LW can certainly sleep solo in his own bed without shame, but he also might want to get himself checked for sleep apnea.
More on Kristen Stewart, who came in for a mention in last week's Reader Advice Round-up:
Straight, Jewish, 49 yr-old-woman in the Bay Area, want to comment on episode 537, about Kristen Stewart saying she is so gay. Please remember all of us who are "friends of the gays!" I would proudly say "I am so gay " in support of my LGBTQ community, just as I and my teens march for no Muslim ban and no wall, and just as I feel the love from the Muslim community raising huge amounts of money for the vandalized Jewish cemetery in St. Louis. We all need all the friends fighting on our behalf that we can get. So Kristen may be gay, or she may be proudly a "friend" of all of us!! As you so beautifully said in that episode, we are indivisible!
Kristen Stewart has been open about the fact that she's dating women now and much happier dating women than she ever was dating men. So she's more than a friend of the queers. She's one of us. The only question is... which one of us?
And also continuing the chaffetz definition discussion from last week's Reader Advice Round-up:
1) A "mani-Chaffetz", a noun — the shit stains on and in your fingernails after fingering an asshole (typically when the toilet paper rips open while you're wiping). As in: "Aw man, I just gave myself a mani-Chaffetz!"
2) (sorta related to one of your other readers): "To Chaffetz", a verb — to chafe one's ass-crack with shit. As in: "Ugh, I Chaffetzed all afternoon on that hike today."
3) "Chaffetz' Law", an adage — if you try to do the right thing and choose not to circumcise your infant boy, he will undoubtedly need circumcision later on when he develops painfully chafing phimosis.
4) "To separate the wheat from the Chaffetz", an adage — the work researching politicians, in an effort to differentiate the 'good' ones from the mean, hypocritical corrupt ones. As in: "Yeah, when I moved to the state, it took me a little while to separate the wheat from the Chaffetz."
Speaking of idiots from Utah, here's a response to UTAH (not an idiot, but surrounded by them):
I was reading your column for this week (Feb 15-21) on The Stranger and I feel that you gave the perfect advice to the 22 YO lesbian student stuck at home in UT with religious, controlling parents. Like, what are her other options—dildos (her mother will throw them away upon discovery while cleaning, aka snooping, her room), or suicide attempts? Now I'm of East Indian ancestry and while nowadays Indian kids in India date and marry (or breakup) their GF/BFs, people who immigrated from India (and Pakistan, Bangladesh as well) in the 1960's are still butthurt about their kids raised in America daring to date. As a result, I have come to know of several Indian or Pakistani American kids in college who date secretly. Because what are their options otherwise? And while homosexuality, bisexuality and trans are becoming more accepted and understood in India at least, the Indians who immigrated to any Western country in the 1960s still think that homosexuality is a Western disease, that it never happens in their societies. As a result, forced and unhappy marriages occur, people suffer, and it's all a big mess for everyone.
Sometimes you just cannot reason with people or make them understand. They will be controlling no matter what. Being all open and honest doesn't work. So the only way is to be covert (or suffer). I'm not surprised that I've seen many South Asian Americans just date quietly under their parents' noses and then totally blindside them by eloping. While I'm fortunate that my parents were not controlling like that, I was disheartened to observe other people who kept their relationships secretive from their families.
Anyways, enough rant. Thanks for advising the most obvious. Of course some people will say things like "If she lives off her parents then she should abide by their rules and wishes", but these same "open, honest" judgmental people also have total control over their own lives at the same time. It's like a man outlawing pregnancy terminations for women. So thanks again for your advice, and good day.
And in response to my generally sinful nature:
Hi Dan, man, you need to repent from your sin. if you do not, you will go to hell when you die. you have done much evil in your life and i know that your heart is very hardened, but there still may be time for you. bend your ungodly stiff neck and turn from your wicked ways. you have committed much evil in your actions and in your words. God sees it all, and he will repay you if you do not repent and obey Jesus Christ the Risen Lord. now is the day of salvation. now is the time for you to repent, man. woe unto those who call good evil and evil good. you have been doing this for a very, very long time. satan is your leader. you follow him whether you believe it or not. he is the father of lies, and you are entirely deceived. repent now. you don't know whether you will have tomorrow to do it.
Four quick things...
1. My brand of evil will harden a lot more than just your heart. If you get my drift. Nudge, nudge. Wink. Wink. (Do people get sent to hell for forty-year-old pop-culture references? If so, I repent.)
2. Don't you love it when people tell you about this Jesus person as if you've never heard of him before? Even if my dad wasn't a Catholic deacon, even if my mom wasn't a Catholic lay minister, even if I hadn't been baptized and confirmed, it's impossible to grow up in the United States—it's impossible to spend five minutes in the United States—without some random stranger telling you about Jesus Christ. Yes, yes: We know already.
3. Most letters like this come ALL CAPS. A nice change of pace to get an all lowercase Jesus screed.
4. This epic subtweet pretty much sums up my feelings about that Risen Lord business...
And finally: a letter from someone who followed my now widely embraced advice for Valentine's Day and all other days:
Great advice on #fuckfirst. My sleeping partner and I went out for Korean BBQ tonight—a total gluttonous feast—but we took your advice first. Thanks!
