Okay, it has been literally years since I first wrote to you.

I'm now 24, no longer a virgin, and I'm living in London. I've slept with long-term boyfriends and had my share of DFMOs. Fairly sure I'm not a lesbian, but am somewhere along the spectrum of being interested in women. I know you call people like me unicorns, but I'm not quite that. I've always wondered what being with a woman is like, and I think I'd like to explore that. I'm looking for a woman or a couple to help me explore these w4w tendencies. I've never seen advice that quite applies to my situation (particularly the first question):

1. How do I find people looking for the above outside the US? Ideally anonymity at first is important, as I'm very nervous and would need some contact before meeting them.

2. What are the precautions I should take? I've contacted a couple of people on Craigslist, but don't want to end up in a ditch somewhere. At the same time, I'd rather not tell real life people.

Bicuriously Inclined

I have some suggestions, BI, but first, here's your original letter from 2011:

I recently discovered your column through the recommendation of a friend—and I'm extremely impressed. Not only is your advice rational and helpful, it's also inspired me to think about being a little more experimentative (GGG), and stopped me from being so vanilla! I've discovered my mild sub tendencies.

Anyway, I'm a 17-year-old college freshman who's a virgin (saving myself for someone special), and I like to get off to lesbian porn. I've tried watching hetero porn, but it just doesn't turn me on the way lesbian porn does. I've heard of females getting off on male/male porn, but never of this before. Does this mean I'm a lesbian? In real life, I've never been attracted to a girl—not even one of my bi friends recounting stories of her sex life. I feel attracted to guys. I don't have a problem with being a lesbian/ bi, I'm just interested in figuring out where my tendencies lie.

First, it's interesting to note that 17-year-old you was fairly sure you didn't actually wanna have sex with a woman in real life—or that you had never met (or even seen) a woman you wanted to have sex with—while 24-year-old you is fairly sure you're not a lesbian but anxious to (finally!) have sex with a woman. Seems to me that you could be bisexual, BI, or you could be one of those women who doesn't realize she's a lesbian until she's a couple of decades into masturbating to lesbian porn. In either case, beware you don't "fairly sure" yourself into a corner. Explorations first, surities second.

Anyway...

You can call yourself whatever you want—a unicorn, a sparrow, an armadillo; heteroflexible, bicurious, lesbian—but a bicurious-at-the-very-least woman in your situation, a woman with your particular skill/desire set, is commonly called a unicorn. I didn't make that up; it's not what I call women like you. It's what women like you are called, BI, and it's both a compliment (such a delightful creature!) and an expression of frustration (so fucking hard to find one!).

Here's the good news, BI: unicorn loneliness/horniness is a problem with millions of potential solutions—by which I mean, there are many, many people and couples out there who would like to be your solutions. Did you say that you like men, you're interested in women, and you want to explore your bicuriousity in a group setting? More good news, BI: there are lots of people in the UK who are into threesomes—I've got anecdotes (personal and private!) and data (sensationalized and sketchy!)—so, yeah, you're gonna be able to make this happen.

The good news just keeps coming, BI: there's actually an app designed for the purpose of hooking women (and men) like you up with couples and hooking couples up with women (and men) like you. It's called Feeld and was started in London under the name 3nder. It's like Tinder, but for people interested in polyamory, kink, and couples looking for unicorns. I'm told the users on Feeld tend to be kinder and more sex-positive than the average person looking for sex through apps—although there are going to be exceptions to this, of course, because awful people are everywhere. But Download Feeld anyway and introduce yourself to some Brits—or Spaniards & Brits & Germans & Austrians. London's a global city—for the moment—so why not have an big orgy in honor of the EU while it still exists?

If you're worried about safety—and you should be—tell a friend where you're going. Meet your preferred couple (or solo lady) for a quick drink after work on a night when you have another commitment you can't cancel. Go in with your bullshit detectors on high alert, use your common sense, and trust your gut. Chat about what you're looking for sexually, of course, but chat about some general topics too. (One doesn't want to find oneself in bed with a pair of UKIP supporters, does one?) Say goodbye after just one drink and then contact them later—to set up a fuckdate if you're still interested, or to thank them for their time and wish them well if you're not interested.

Good luck, BI. Be sure to send me another letter in 2024!