Co re-capper Jessica Fu had to take a break this week, so I’m doing this week by my lonesome.
Last week, the pregnancy revelation in the emergency room with her hot sex doctor (Patrick Wilson) sent Hannah into a shocked state. This week, she did what any writer would do: make a list, “Reasons It’s Insane to Have a Baby”: (1. “I am only 27.” 2. “I act even younger than that.” (Oh boy, is that true). 6. “I once forgot about a guinea pig for six weeks” (same, Hannah, same.), and the all-important number 7: “I don’t enjoy getting my nipples sucked.”
So, it’s clear that Hannah isn’t really ready for this, but she seems to be leaning toward yes, and summons her mother to Brooklyn to talk to her about her situation. Loreen is on Weight Watchers, and therefore, isn’t drinking. But she has discovered medical marijuana in the form of gummy bears. She arrives having already eaten two of them.
Loreen is thrilled at the news; she knows that Hannah knows that this is supposed to be her baby and that it’s a gut instinct that only mothers understand. But, the pot starts to hit her, and Loreen goes down a paranoid weed spiral of despair—mad that she comes home to an empty house while Hannah’s father is enjoying his time with his new partner after coming out as gay. She leaves Hannah at the laundromat and disappears into the streets of completely gentrified Brooklyn (which Hannah later calls, “one of the most dangerous places in America,” and says, “you don’t know the terrain, you’re not Lil’ Kim”), but not before giving Hannah and Elijah a tip off (she’s ordering dumplings in a Chinese restaurant nearby).
When they find her, Loreen blurts out the news in front of Elijah and boy, is he mad. I think he’s mad because he wasn’t the first one to know, which, as the gay boyfriend, he should really be higher in the hierarchy of personal emergencies and confidants. And, I think, he’s having a selfish New Yorker moment, too: if a baby is coming that means Elijah is either going to have to live with the baby or else, he’s going to have to move from that sweet, cheap apartment. He's also a little jealous. The scene between Hannah and Elijah in the restaurant’s kitchen is devastating and beautifully acted: He tells Hannah that she will be a terrible mother, and her face falls, and then his does, too. He means it but seems to want to take it back the second it leaves his mouth.
Meanwhile downstairs at Laird’s apartment, a girl who looks a lot like Hannah, but hotter, is getting her ass spanked by Adam. First, it looks like he’s cheating on Jessa, but then the camera peels back to reveal Jessa watching with delight. But, it turns out to be neither of these things: it’s the indie movie that the Jessa and Adam are making about the love triangle between her, Adam, and Hannah. Except, the script that Adam wrote (and which Jessa, though she is the producer, hasn’t read) makes it clear that Adam had true deep feelings for Hannah (even though he’s made fake Hannah mentally ill), and Jessa is watching the reenactment with slow-motion horror. She’s totally jealous of the fake Hannah’s relationship with Adam. “Adam, that’s us! We’re the intense ones!” she says.
As Jessa realizes that she might not be Adam’s true love, Ray is at Hermie’s apartment where he’s going through his dead friend’s stuff and marveling all the great shit he has, including but not limited to “every Sam Peckinpah video ever,” the Dominique Dawes tribute movie, and the Red Shoe Diaries. Marnie rolls her eyes at the list of Hermie’s great possessions. Short story: she’s still a worthless human being who is using Ray (to boost her own ego? Unclear), and he finally gets fed up when she’d rather go to an exercise class than help him clean out Hermie’s stuff, and breaks up with her. She resists, but it’s clear Ray’s over her.
We’re a few weeks away, but my absolutely overdone sickly sweet series finale prediction: Adam and Hannah reunite and Shosh and Ray get back together, Marnie continues being a terrible person, and Jessa finds another relationship to ruin.
