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I screwed up. Here’s the deal, though. I have been dating a great guy for FIVE years now, but we have ALWAYS been long distance. 2,000 miles. Some months we don’t even see each other. That means no sex and I am not the best at taking care of my own needs. He has zero desire to move to be with me and because I have children and am a single mom, I can’t move to his city. For the last year he has been unemployed, but still with means, and he STILL didn’t decide to come my way. It left me feeling undesirable and depressed. Frustrated. Lonely. Like I take antidepressants now. I'm talking serious depression. Suicidal, overwhelming-thoughts-depression. Sooo….

I decided to do something secret to boost my self esteem. I wanted to experiment in loving myself, loving my body, and feeling desired. I started a private Instagram account and posted sexy photos of myself. None with my full face. Very artsy. Beautiful. I got some attention. It felt GREAT, but then my boyfriend found out about it. Now he says I'm not the person he thought I was and that I have completely shattered his trust. The thing is, I had stopped feeling bad about not getting attention from him because I was getting that through comments on Instagram. It wasn’t like I was sexting these people.I wasn’t emotionally involved with them. I didn’t meet any of them. AND I only had 15 followers!!! I was just being a muse and if I am honest, I loved it. It made me feel sexy, beautiful, and desired. He makes me feel lonely and like I am not good enough to choose to spend his life with. What should I do? DTMFA? I have invested FIVE years in this relationship. My children adore this man (when they get to see him). Was it really such a big deal that I got some needs met by posting some sexy photos? I get that I should have discussed it with him first, but is it ever ok to keep something private?

I need your advice and I need it NOW. Please, please, please. He is coming into town in two days and I really don’t know if I should grovel for forgiveness or be angry.

Need Opinionated Wisdom

For the sake of urgency/brevity/wit: Be angry! Don't grovel! DTMFA!

For the sake of persuasiveness...

If your "great" boyfriend makes you feel undesirable, depressed, frustrated, lonely, and suicidal... you're better off alone. Yes, five years is a long of time and, sure, your kids might love this guy (when they get to see him), but 1. he makes you miserable and 2. he's made it clear that he's never going to move to the city where you live. You're not his priority, NOW, and it's time to scratch him off your list of priorities, too.

But! Five years! Long time! Massive investment! Sorry, NOW, but longevity is a terrible reason to stay in a bad relationship. Throwing good years after bad makes about as much sense as throwing good money after bad. At some point you have to decide to cut your losses and move on.

As for your Instagram account... how did your boyfriend find out about it? You only had 15 followers, so it wasn't your popularity that spoiled your privacy. Did you decide to tell him about it? That may have been a mistake—no, wait. These questions are entirely beside the point. Or points, plural. Point one: He's an asshole who makes you feel miserable and it's time to DTMFA. (And if telling him about your Instagram account helped you see it was time to DTMFA, then it wasn't a mistake to tell him about it.) Point two: You're allowed to have a sexy, artsy, private Instagram account. You're allowed to have a zone of sexual and erotic autonomy. Getting a few compliments from strangers ≠ betrayal, NOW, unless this account violated an explicit agreement between you and your boyfriend. But if you didn't swear never to have dirty Instagram account, you did nothing wrong. Even if it did violate an explicit agreement—even if you were in the wrong—you still need break up with this guy. Because he makes you feel bad. Because he's not there for you. Because he never will be.

And here's a bonus random thought: I'll bet he's got his own secrets—things he's doing that you don't know about while you're apart for months at a time—and his overreaction to your sexy little Instagram account is a fucking cliche.

If he hasn't arrived yet, tell him not to come. If he's already there, let this trip be his last—and feel free to dump him via text after he goes home, NOW, to avoid additional drama. And if you find yourself hesitating, NOW, just remember how good your artsy, sexy, private Instagram made you feel. You deserve to feel like that IRL, NOW, and you can feel that way with a real, live human being to be named later. A guy who loves and appreciates you! A guy who understands and even enjoys your mild exhibitionistic streak! And lives nearby! And likes your kids! And isn't an asshole!


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