Two related questions.

1. Are both the first of May and May 8th days that recognize the fun that is outdoor sex?

2. Assuming the answer is either yes or no... how does one have outdoors sex in Seattle and not get caught?

I'm all about sex outside, but not so all about getting caught by police. Or spotted by random 15-year-olds (my sexy lover and I teach high school Spanish) or, well, anyone really. Last year on the first, we found a shady tree and celebrated the holiday, but also got eaten alive by mosquitos. So we went back on the 8th, and I brought mosquito repellent, which stinks and is not sexy, and there were beer cans under our tree in Discovery Park and people—people not having sex—were walking around everywhere. We went and got cheeseburgers instead.

Dan! If anyone understands how exceptionally underwhelming a cheeseburger is (even a good one) compared to hot outside tree sex with a Spanish lover is, it's you. Where can I safely, privately get my groove on in the great outdoors?

Desperately Examining Erotic Trees

Let's say I know some good places to fuck outside in Seattle. I'm not saying whether I actually know some good places to fuck outside, DEET, I'm only saying "let's say" I do. If I named those places here in the SLLOTD... they would soon be flooded with horny exhibitionists, cops, and assholes with iPhones looking to upload videos to Instasnapfacechatgram. So you don't want me naming names (of places), DEET, unless you're looking to turn this into a group project, get arrested, go viral, or all of the above.

Speaking of getting arrested: although laws vary from state to state, sex in public is usually a misdemeanor (for straight people), but that can lead to small fines (if you're straight) or even actual jail time (if you're queer, poor, a sex worker, etc.) or life on a sex-offender registry (if you're queer, poor, a sex worker, etc.). That being said, you can apparently type "best places for public sex" into Yelp and it'll give you a (flawed) list. Seattle's Volunteer Park sits right at the top, mostly thanks to this this review:

I lived next to this park for a year and I never saw a single instance of public sex. I knew that public sex was HAPPENING, but the minute I would get to the park everyone threw their clothes back on and acted like they were there to walk their dogs or do Shakespeare in the Park. I feel robbed.

Wherever you choose to fuck publicly, public sex requires some creative problem-solving. I don't mean creative like trying to recreate the train scene in Risky Business. (I'm talking about the scene on the Chicago L train that helped make Cruise famous, not the kind of train scene a straight person like Tom Cruise has no interest in at all.) The key to successful public sex is anonymity. So don't look like or be Tom Cruise. Appear forgettable. Seattleites generally prefer to their clothes to match the color of the omnicloud, so avoid bright jackets or colorful patterns. Additionally, ditch the underwear and skip standard foreplay. (Finding the right spot to fuck? That is the foreplay.) Unless you have a rolling Italian hillside all to yourself, you'll want to keep things quick and focused. For efficiency, it's better to do it standing (again, unless you own your own hillside), in a spot where there's something stable to lean up against (trees, boulders, maybe a museum). And be careful at Discovery Park. There are cliffs.

Oh, and regarding the dates you mention: May 8th is National Outdoor Intercourse Day, also known as NOID. Popular in the 70s and 80s, it's now less popular than May 1st, which is May Day all over the world and Anarchist Shit Show Day here in Seattle. Technically, the first of May is International Workers' Day—and what better way to celebrate than by blowing off work to go fuck around? Added bonus: the police have their hands full on May 1, so you're less likely to get caught banging in or under the trees.