I'm a queer girl living in Vancouver with my male partner. This weekend we found ourselves in an after-hours club, made some friends and ended up at a house with two other guys and a girl. Things were getting pretty playful with everyone except for one of the guys. We all wanted him gone to get the show on the road but he wouldn't take the hint. He had bought all the booze for this after party so we were a little unsure of the etiquette of asking him to leave. Neither I or the other girl was interested. I made it clear that penetration was off the menu for me because I had an IUD inserted the day before and had just started my period. Everyone respected this except this one guy. He asked if I would do anal and I refused. He then shoved his fingers in my ass and I stopped him. Things continued. I positioned myself away from him but he somehow got behind me again and put his bare dick inside—though barely. The host pulled him off of me. For a reason none of us can understand, we didn't kick him out. We were admittedly all a bit fucked up from partying. I had a stern talk with him about respecting consent but when I felt his dick enter me from behind for the second time I got really upset. My boyfriend threatened him and the guy punched him a couple times and broke my sweetheart's nose. The host had been getting drinks and ran back in. He threw the guy out with no pants, so he had a well-deserved walk of shame. We don't know the guy's last name so we can't charge him.

Obviously, all of this is shitty. My question though is this. We enjoy threesomes/moresomes/swingers clubs, etc., as a couple, but this isn't the first time a fun night was ruined by a persistent dick monster who wouldn't listen, albeit never to this extent. Do you have any suggestions for creating a strategy to deal with pricks like these? Sober and not horny me has all the answers, but when I'm feeling violated and vulnerable, and distracted by whatever dick/pussy that's in my face, I'm not quite the loud-mouthed feminist bitch I usually am. We all agree he should've been kicked out before the offenses added up. Maybe he should've been kicked out when we all agreed we weren't so comfortable with him playing around with us. What's the etiquette of telling someone they can't join in? If things turned out differently, I'd feel a hell of a lot less shitty for trying not to make him feel insecure and excluded. I'm done dancing around assholes' feelings now.

Queer Unicorn Exhausted Entertaining Numbskulls

"Persistent dick monster" is putting it lightly, QUEEN.

This guy sexually assaulted you and physically assaulted your boyfriend. Assault's a crime, and even though you don't know his last name... even if he was a complete stranger... reporting the night's events to the police may help prevent this from happening to someone else in the future. (Maybe he's already known to the cops? Maybe they can ID him based on your description? Maybe he assaulted someone else on the way home and they're already holding him and they'd be happy to add more charges to the ones he's already facing?) I'm not saying you have to report it. It's estimated that only 15 to 35 percent of all sexual assaults are reported to the police, and only 9 percent of all rapists get prosecuted. That's totally fucked. But while recognizing that some folks have legitimate reasons for not going to the cops, rapes and sexual assaults that aren't reported can't be prosecuted.

That being said, QUEEN, I'm happy to hear that this shitty encounter hasn't put you off future threesomes, moresomes, etc. But since we unfortunately live in a society that enables "persistent dick monsters," taking precautions in advance is essential to a safe (and fun) party.

Advance planning—or familiarity among the participants—is the best way to ensure safety. Spontaneous is fun but it's difficult to pull off safely with groups; spontaneous and safe fun can be difficult to pull off with one other person. Another lesson to be learned from this encounter: getting a new group together when the participants are shitfaced/shtoned/shwasted may not be the best plan. It's often the worst plan, in fact. Being fucked up is rarely a recipe for good sex even between people who fuck regularly. Plus, it's easier to ignore red flags when you can barely shee shtraight. Having to remind someone about consent is a major red flag, QUEEN, and one you're likelier to ignore or fail to spot when you're shwasted. In a situation where you're receiving unwanted touches, your polite dismissal of them should be enough. If this reminder has to be repeated twice, that participant should have their party pass to moresome mountain revoked immediately.

Two final takeaways: people are often terrible about taking hints—especially when doing so means getting cut out of a drunken fuckfest—so don't hint. Tell. And if you're going to drink and group in the future, QUEEN, hew to a strict BYOB policy. Because you don't ever again want to be in a position where you hesitate to show someone the door because they bought the booze.