I am a 65-year old circumcised male. I’m not as spry as in my earlier years, but my penis works fine for sexual and urinary functions. I am healthy, relatively fit and vegetarian. Starting about two years ago, commuting to work on my bicycle, my penis would frequently retract into itself (“like a frightened turtle,” to quote a popular TV sitcom). I’d have to stop dig it out in my pants. It was uncomfortable and weird, but not painful. Lately, it’s happening often no matter what I’m doing, and I have to survey my surroundings before sticking my hand down my pants. I’ve tried wearing boxers instead of Jockeys, pajamas with no undies, but nothing helps. Any recommendations, or should I see a Urologist?

Hands In Pants

If the culprit isn't the underwear or pants you're wearing—and it almost certainly isn't—you may have a condition known as a "buried penis." (Trigger warning: Googling "buried penis" yields some harrowing results.) Dr. Van Ginger, a urologist at The Polyclinic, explains:

"While not harmful, a 'buried penis' can be uncomfortable. As you have noted, the appearance of a buried penis can look like a turtle hiding its head in the buried shaft skin. One can be born with this condition with detachment of skin from the underlying penile shaft. Gaining weight will make it worse. Certain positions such as leaning over during biking can further bury the penis. One surgery, known among urologists as a 'wacker tacker,' can fix this condition. However, if it is just a buried penis, it is perfectly fine to live the rest of your life this way without surgery. But if it bothers you, go see your local urologist."

So, HIP, you could look into surgeries like the unfortunately named "wacker tacker," but that's only necessary if the frightened turtle in your pants is causing you pain. ("Wacker tacker," by the way, is safe to google and mostly results in tools from Home Depot.) It doesn't seem like your buried penis is causing you too much trouble, but you should ask a urologist to take a look at your cock if the problem gets worse.

Like you said, HIP, your penis works fine for sex and pissing. Doctors aren't concerned, and it doesn't seem like your sex partner/partners is/are complaining. The real issue is how new and strange this is for you. And sure, it may be a late in life surprise, but remember: there's no standard penis. From micropenises to monsterdongs to ones that point up or point down or ones that are pierced or split, penises are... varied. But if it's a real issue, there's always the wacker tacker!

HUMP! 2017 Call for Submissions!

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and—soon—lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!