Having recently been through a poly relationship disaster eerily similar to DTMFAs (except a marriage instead of a house), I concur with Dan's advice. Especially the bit about exercise: Make yourself go for walks (runs, hikes, bikes, etc), in the woods, or an arboretum, or other natural setting.

I would like to add, though, that without close friends DTMFA may want to seek out professional services of a pro-poly therapist with whom to vent a little spleen, they can be a critical listening ear. Being an emotional basket-case might make it difficult to summon the energy to each out to distant friends; finding a therapist is easier.

A shrink will also be able to reflect back where your rage/bitterness/sadness/etc. is appropriate, and where you might be going off the rails, and help guide you back to healthy negative emotions.

If it's any help, things got better for me about a year out, then even better about 18 months out. I'm looking a the 2 year mark as the final phase. Hopefully.

good luck. :>(

Such great advice, Treacle. Thanks!

Something that struck me: spending 3 days in bed not eating is a clear sign of clinical depression. The LW may be taking it so hard due to a legitimate, diagnosable condition.

Gee, you bought a house, 'just happened' to lose contact with friends, 'decided' to go poly because SHE wanted more sex, felt bad about objecting to her disappearing and failing to show up (rather like an addict) etc.?

Three days in bed aren't great, but getting out of a relationship like that may be the best news you've gotten in the last eight years.

Eat, walk, call/write to/meet with people, consider professional help.

Achaiwoi @2, it might qualify as clinical depression if LW didn't have any logical reason for feeling so badly, or if her initial grief process triggered a further descent into weeks or months of barely functional behavior. Clinical depression is by definition chemical rather than emotional, although it can emerge or deepen following emotional trauma. But people with perfectly normal brain chemistry get their hearts broken too, and it's not only OK but therapeutic (in my not-so-humble, non-medical opinion) to give yourself over to feelings of hopelessness, sorrow, and self-pity following the end of a significant relationship. Dan has given her some good tips for getting back on her feet once she's ready - exercise, friends, stay busy, and definitely SELL THAT DAMN HOUSE - but for right now, a good solid wallow (and maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's) seems like a good way to start healing her heart.

Great advice Dan.
I heard advice once that as we break up and move past a relationship we have a lot of liberty. We can chose the person we remember our ex to be. Sometimes its easy to remember them as the shit (s)he/they were when (s)he/they were when the relationship ended. But often for our peace and recovery it might do us better to remember her/him/them as (s)he/they were when the relationship started - and NRE was endless.
Get better and good luck!

Man, anyone who can't get out of bed for three days has a problem deeper than any breakup.

@4

I kind of got the same vibe. Seems like the other may have some controlling behavior in them.

Polyamory can be a beautiful thing, but it does pose some unique challenges. Thank you to Dan for articulating one of those particular challenges so well.

Phew, my heart goes out to you dtmfa. Hang tight (and sell the house)

@3, spending three days in bed after a partner has ripped your heart out is normal.
LW, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. And yes sell the bloody house. Seeing her every day must be total torture.
The pain will last as long as it lasts, you can move it along by NOT seeing this woman until
you have got your strength back, and by then you probably won't want contact.
Have you told her she has broken you by her behaviour? It all sounds way too civilised.

Also as Treacle @1 suggested, talk to someone if you and your friends have lost contact.
After my marriage ended I was raving and ranting to a couple of friends daily. Writing a diary helped as well.
It is hard post breakup when the other is with someone new, if they suddenly become an arsehole. In my case after thirty years I knew he was one, once he got with his new partner he became a total one. To our children as well.
It has taken me a long time to reflect on his good qualities when he was part of the family.
People are unpredictable.

@3/Achaiwoi: A few days in bed feeling depressed sounds par for the course after a bad break up, and not a sign of an otherwise clinically depressed person.

As soon as LW started to describe her girlfriend's behavior, I thought NRE, but there is also the possibility that LW's girlfriend never wanted a poly relationship, but wanted out of a relationship with such mismatched libidos, and was harboring a lot of resentment toward the end of the relationship. LW still needs to focus on moving on. Hopefully, the ex won't make selling the house a big deal.

Sportlandia @7 - If you have never experienced a love so deep that it totally tore you to pieces when it ended, you're one of the lucky ones. Or maybe not. It took a long time and a lot of pain before my broken heart eventually mended, but if I could go back in time, I still would not choose to miss out on that amazing relationship in order to avoid the tragic breakup.

Hi DTMFA, you're angry, I get it from your sign-off name, you were dumped and treated badly.

But you were together 8 years, you have a house together, the last 2.5 months have been shitty. What about the other 97% of your time together? Was it good? Was she good to you? You good to her?

Just saying, we also live in a culture where we default to a breakup = a relationship end, and she broke up with you. But sometimes people change their mind. If you can afford it, can you move out of the house now, and wait a bit to sell?

Maybe do a separation for 6 months then re-evaluate? Just a thought.

NYT has a great series on marriages that ended, and has folks look back years later. Many of the couples were glad it ended even though it was a challenge.

Some wish they had waited a bit, and tried getting together again later. Rushing into a divorce foreclosed that.

I know you're not married, but 8 years+house is kinda more than a casual fling, it (was) a life together. Just a contrarian thought that you might want to take a breather, get your own place if you can afford it, nurse your wounds, get out there and have some fun, and re-evaluate in a few months time. And +1 therapy a good idea.

@15: It sounds like the partner has decided she doesn't want to be with the LW anymore. I don't think it's helpful for LW to go through the next six months thinking this is a trial separation, that they might well end up back together.

The rest of your advice is sound: get out of there, have fun, try some therapy. But don't put things on hold for the next six months. Just get out there and go.

Perhaps others will disagree, but I have never, not once, seen a long term relationship between two women survive after "opening up" the relationship. It was all the rage 20 years ago in the lesbian community (at least in my city). It seems to be back in fashion. I've known many women to try it and none to keep it together afterwards. That's not to say that all long-term monogamous lesbian couples stay together. But at least some do. Maybe it's the closeness of the relationship or women's tendency to combine sex with emotional attachment. Maybe hetero or mixed arrangements can work. I know that sounds sexist. I'm a lesbian with both lesbian and hetero friends, and I do think all-female relationships are somewhat different. Does anyone know a long-term lesbian couple (like 8 or 10 years) who has maintained an open relationship?

Sell the house, but instead of being willing to take a loss, is there any way you could take your ex to the cleaners? Lay on the guilt. Be assuaged with money. Money is a great balm that can do a lot to soothe hurt feelings. Depending on what state you live in, a lawyer might be a good investment. Don't be so eager to dump her already that you give her what's rightfully your monetarily. Don't be so eager to be seen as the good, fair, nice one that you bend over backwards to be seen that way. Go for the cash.

@14 I've had my heart broken. But 3 days in bed is too much. It speaks to either a mental illness or a too-fragile ego.

@18
I'm sorry, but "go for the cash" doesn't sound like a great way to feel better about a breakup.
Personally, I've always went the "be the bigger person" route myself. It may not be as immediately satisfying as revenge, but it's a far easier choice to live with in the long run.

These "three days in bed" judgemental posters need to get a grip. Its three fucking days. Not three weeks/months/years. I come home after months of helping to take care of my mom (Stage 4 bone cancer) and I NEED a few days in bed to reflect, grieve, and get the strength to go back soon. Same with a unexpected selfish breakup.

Fichu @ 18
I can’t decide if you’re being sarcastic or maybe your account was hijacked by one of those right-wing provocateurs.

Great advice from Dan and everyone EXCEPT for Delta @15 (no! The girlfriend dumped LW, LW needs to let go and move on) and Fichu @18 (immature, vindictive games are never the answer).

All I would add is that a breakup of a long-term relationship is bad enough without also having to uproot your life and move. Is there any way DTMFA can buy her ex out of her share of the house? That was what I did, and it was so, so worth it. (If staying in the shared home is too painful, I agree, sell the house.)

Maybe the LW needs someone to help with practicalities? She could do with an old friend stepping in for her, talking over the options on the house--then help her selling it outright or letting her ex buy out her stake. Then she'll need somewhere else to stay. The process will be drawn-out, and will necessarily entail a deal of contact with her old gf. Someone needs to hold her hand.

Spending days, even weeks, in bed, not exercising, not working or reading, not eating properly, post-breakup doesn't seem to me excessive, nor to have​ any cause but the break-up. In reconnecting with the world, the LW needs friends on her side. Maybe this is the first thing she should do--pick up the phone and talk to a friend, probably someone she's kept in touch with. There might be a sense of shame holding her back, because she tried a certain relationship format and it didn't work out--but she should try to overcome this. Good luck to her!

Having done both, joint home ownership is a bigger commitment than marriage, and harder to get out of. The dissolution of this relationship, or at least the practicalities, won't happen overnight. I hope the house is at least big enough that DTMFA and her ex can live in separate rooms and interact as little as possible until the paperwork can be sorted out.

This sucks big time. You poor sweetheart. If you are able to get away for a vacation it could be good to have a complete change of scene. If you have the means to get away somewhere warm and relaxing even if just for a few days it may help to re set yourself. Is there an old friend or loving relative you could go to visit somewhere out of town?

If you can't leave town at least do some loving and kind things for yourself - get a nurturing massage therapy or facial, go for a sauna or spa or get your hair done. There are people out there that can give you some positive energy to counter balance the trauma from your ex.

This kind of experience can be so devastating to your sense of self, but you are still a worthwhile person. Just start building yourself up again with baby steps, even if you have to crawl from your bed to the shower sobbing the whole way. Each day resolve to get up, clean up, dress up, make up (if it helps), and leave the house.

Go to comedy shows or funny movies or find funny stuff to watch at home. When you start laughing you feel the feeling of happiness and it helps you to be okay again.

I agree with @15. The girlfriend, while no question doing something(s) horrible to LW in the moment, may come to regret this current phase as much as the LW. She doesn't know how to do this open-relationship any better than LW does - it's just as new for her. She may be taking out lots of agression and relationship unhappiness that accumulated over the years. You are also maybe taking out those feelings of agression and relationship unhappiness, on yourself!

LW why not seek compassion for all involved and, without recriminations (not easy!!!) work on yourself and being happier in yourself and in your other relationships, and see what happens for you and for her.

And I recommend this article, which had a huge impact on my life: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashio…

When owners of jointly owned property can't agree on the sale of the entire property, a partition lawsuit to force its sale may be filed. In a partition lawsuit, the court can order the sale of the entire property and divide proceeds among its owners. Partition lawsuits to force all owners in a property to sell that property are usually a last resort. Courts always prefer squabbling co-owners to cooperate in selling the property before considering forced partition.

Partition lawsuits to force the sale of a jointly owned property can be costly. They may also take some time. Court costs, sale costs and attorney fees resulting from a partition lawsuit also usually come from the partitioned property's sale proceeds. If a court orders a sale of your jointly owned property, its proceeds will be divided among you and the other owners based on ownership interest percentages.

In some cases, it's more expensive to go through a court-ordered partition and sale of real property than that property is worth. Legally, partition lawsuits to force the sale of real property are similar to the dissolution of marriages. When they're filed, partition lawsuits can also turn into acrimonious affairs and create bruised feelings all around. Usually, co-owners in a piece of real property will net more from a voluntary sale of that property than they would from a legal battle and court-ordered sale.

Oops. Wrong Letter.

I think a lot of people are skipping over this bit in the letter -

"She gets to have someone but I'm left pretty isolated (she was needy and I slowly gave up my friends over the years without realizing it). So I don't really have anyone to talk to and I have to see her every day."

The LW doesn't have a friend she can call on for help or support. In a way, this was a bit like an abusive relationship, or one with a definite power imbalance. The LW gave up whatever she had before the gf, so she has no-one left to turn to, and she's forced to watch the support that she leaned on being offered to someone else now.

Yes, she needs to get on with her life, but it's not as easy as calling up an old pal to go and vent to and offhandedly listing the house. This is a long hard (and solitary) slog ahead of her, and she has my sympathies.

"I am a 28-year-old homoflexible woman. My girlfriend/partner of eight years" --

The LW was 20 at the start. The gf may also have been that age.

Most people don't end up with the person they were dating at 20. You've grown up, you've both changed, let her go.

Take some time alone to figure out who you are. What music do you like? How would you cook, travel, decorate, dress, etc. to please yourself? Where do you want to live? You're good at relationships; take a year to get good at being yourself before you get into another serious relationship.

@30, I don't know if I would agree that the fact that she alienated her friends is due to manipulation per se. That is a common occurrence when people aren't careful in a relationship (still bad and unhealthy even both parties are at fault). A caring and aware partner might see one of them, or both as a couple sliding into insularity, and she would suggest that they spend time with their friends separately so maintain those relationships. But a needy partner will fight attempts by their partner to spend time with their friends. Not because they are deliberately trying to be controlling. Being needy often means having needs for which they will vociferously advocate, without thinking through one way or another about how their needs intersect with the needs of others. This is the point where the non needy partner has a choice to make: either give in and set the precedent that it is ok for needy to get upset and non needy will stay home, and as time goes on this precedent will be harder to break. Or non needy can fight the battle. In any one instance a drink out with friends is not worth coming home to a bunch of drama (they just tell their friend "x won't let me go out", which is not literally true in any way) I wish people would take more responsibility for their part in enabling this behavior. That shit needs to be nipped in the bud. over the long term it is very worth it to assert that you will not give up your independence or friendships. Have the arguments. Work through it. If needy people don't learn that their partner's other relationships are not a threat, and in fact are an asset, then they should be dumped.

@32 - True, and lesson learned. But that doesn't help her current situation, does it? As EricaP pointed out, she entered into this relationship when she was very young, and so she wasn't experienced enough to see what was happening and how to stop it. And perhaps she liked being needed - co-dependency can be a hell of a thing. I'm not looking to place blame on anyone, I'm just saying that she really doesn't have a support system to fall back on here, and some of the commenters seem to think she does.

It's easy to let go of people once the primary relationship grows more roots ( and has them).
And dear LW you are learning that this is not a good idea, because just like that, no support system because you put all your eggs in one basket, that's an Easter quote.
As sanguisuga @30 said the path ahead is solitary and painful.
How do you mend a broken heart, as the Bee Gees sang.
LW, go find a therapist or a relative to talk with and start getting out and about for social reasons as well as work ones.
You sound like a kind woman, you'll make new friends easily.
This hurt you feel now needs to be expressed and shared and for you to be heard and cared for. There's also women's groups, or there was. Go do some yoga or the like.
Allow yourself to heal and put some strategies into place so the grief can be dealt with and acknowledged.
Pain in life is inevitable.

Just a quick follow up that it will get better. I lived with a partner for 5 years and it ended badly (and then I behaved badly) and I could never imagine that I would be able to have fond memories of him again. But fast forward many years later, and though we are not in touch, I am very grateful for those five years and the great times and memories we had together. I am happy I had those five years, even though the last six months (and the subsequent two years) really sucked.

@28, Maybe wrong post, but since the LW and the ex do have a house together, the advice is still solid. Everyone seems to think the LW should sell the house, but that isn't exactly something she can do on her own.

Get a good lawyer who can help you keep out of both doormat and scorched earth vindictiveness territory. These things can get way out of hand.

Get a good lawyer who can help you keep out of both doormat and scorched earth vindictiveness territory. These things can get way out of hand. Oh, and a good realtor, of course, too.

as the pain subsides you'll be able to recall the good times and personal growth

When the end of a relationship turns ugly (and let's face it, the ugly ones are by far the most common), it's not unusual to find that the good memories on your relationship hard drive have been overwritten and no longer exist in their original form.

My earlier comment was basically 'don't have any more open relationships.' But as others have pointed out, such points are no help now. I agree with the other posters who said three days in bed are no big deal. After 8 years, a lot of wallowing in misery is normal, expected, and part of healing. But you're the best judge. If you think you'd like to talk to a therapist, talk to one. I spent four months reading sci-fi and fantasy novels. No romance, not too emotionally intense, series with many books. Some people watch movies--just pick whatever you actually enjoy, be really gentle with yourself and don't criticize yourself for your state. After a breakup of that long a relationship, you shouldn't expect yourself to feel better for six months to a year. Try online dating or friend meet ups when you're ready. The first 10 or 20 will be awful so don't worry about that either. Hang in there! It really will get better.

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