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My husband and I have been together 17 years, married for two. We are a pair of gay guys facing a dilemma. My husband is the primary source of our income, and he's earned a very nice company retreat through his achievements, which allowed for a spouse to attend. Since we are now married, he opted to include me. However, since this retreat will include many of his clients and coworkers, to whom he is closeted, we are both feeling nervous about how this will affect his relationships with them as he relies on commission for our financial well being.

His concerns weigh on the idea that he has allowed many of his clients to assume his wedding ring symbolizes a heterosexual marriage, and in the face of his husband, they will view his omission of the whole truth as a trust issue. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our financial future because he is hauling income at a rate I could never hope to achieve, so I am completely willing to keep myself at a minimum, but the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak. I'm wondering if there is a better way to approach this situation. I have a great deal of social anxiety and am not sure if I can approach the people he works with as myself, or if I should adopt some kind of neutered persona, or recuse myself as much as possible. He assumes the clients attending are mostly conservative.

Sometimes Honesty Hurts

You're making a lot of assumptions there, SHH.

First, you don't know your husband's clients think he's straight. As any in-the-closet kid who's been called a faggot can testify, straight people have a way of knowing things. Also, your husband doesn't know his clients will interpret his omission of the whole truth as a trust issue. His clients, if they haven't been living and clienting under a rock, are likelier to view this omission as less trust issue and more non-issue.

And it's 2017, SHH! People shouldn't assume—the way people once did (gay people included)—that wedding ring = straight. If his clients and coworkers saw a wedding ring and thought, "This man is married to a lady person," they made a dumb assumption.

Another faulty assumption on your part: the politics of your husband's clients. Even if all of them are raging, cuck-hating conservatives, that doesn't necessarily mean they'd stop doing business with a man if they learned he was gay—and not just gay, but precisely the kind of gay raging, cuck-hating conservatives are always saying they prefer, i.e. the kind of gay who doesn't make a "big deal" about it, who doesn't "rub their noses in it," who doesn't say things like, "Hey, in case you noticed my wedding ring, which is right here on the ring finger of my left hand, I wanted to let you know that my spouse is a gentleman person, not a lady person, and we enjoy gentleman-on-gentleman sex, up to and including gentleman-on-gentleman buttsecks, gentleman-on-gentleman anilingus 69ing, etc." It's 2017, SHH. Conservatives know gay people exist. Hell, one of the biggest gay stories of the past year has been the rise and fall of troll and shitstain, Milo Yiannopoulos. That cretin showed us even the most radical conservatives can embrace a gay dude—even a flamboyant gay dude—so long as that gay dude is willing to throw immigrants, Muslims, women, trans people, people of color, lesbians, and other gay men under the bus.

While I do tell LGBT kids who are dependent on their parents for financial support that it's okay to hold off on coming out until they're able to support themselves, that advice doesn't apply here. Nothing changes—families, workplaces, nations—if people refuse to come out until doing so is risk-free. You're right: sometimes honesty hurts. But progress always requires risk and sacrifice. You're both adults, you can get other jobs if shit gets ugly, and your husband can update his resume in advance of the retreat if you're really worried. But you should go, SHH, and risk being your husband's husband publicly. While you're there, be interested but unassuming, don't scan the room for stink-eye (because you'll wind up seeing it whether it's there or not), and retreat to your room and online porn when you need a break from all the straightness. And, hey, if you're able to meet and befriend one of your husband's coworkers (or their spouses) in advance of the trip, you'll go into the retreat knowing you have allies.

Finally, SHH, your question reminded me of the speech ("Never Doubt") that Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-WI) gave at the Millennium March on Washington in April of 2000...

Never doubt that America will one day realize that her gay, bisexual, and transgendered sons and daughters want nothing more—and nothing less—than the rights accorded every other citizen.

But we must make it so—by daring to dream of a world in which we are free. So, if you dream of a world in which you can put your partner’s picture on your desk, then put his picture on your desk... and you will live in such a world. And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street holding your partner’s hand, then hold her hand... and you will live in such a world. If you dream of a world in which there are more openly gay elected officials, then run for office... and you will live in such a world.

And if you dream of a world in which you can take your partner to the office party, even if your office is the U.S. House of Representatives, then take her to the party. I do, and now I live in such a world.

You wanna live in a world where a man can take his husband to a company retreat? Go to that retreat, SHH, and you live in such a world.

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