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Unsatisfied troglodyte here. I'm a straight regular bloke with a rather high sex drive. I've had both long- and short-term relationships, was even married for a short time, but the sad constant in my relationships is that after the first few months it's all downhill sexually for me. I understand that relationships have to evolve towards a more stable and comfortable phase with less sexual animality, but that really kills it for me. I have always found myself wanting more sexually from my partners than they're capable of delivering after that first adrenaline driven phase, and that frustrates me to no end. I don't know whether it's unrealistic expectations or a seriously biased selection of low sex drive partners, but I'm yet to find a relationship that sexually satisfies me. So the question is, am I a troglodyte that can't be satiated, or do I have a problem selecting my partners? I'm kind of resigned to never finding a good long-term relationship because of this, and it's a bummer. A serious bummer. Any ideas?

Horny And Romantically Defeated

A troglodyte is a hermit, a person who lives in a cave, or a person who is old fashioned or "deliberately ignorant." (It isn't someone who's really into the Joan Crawford movie Trog.) Since it's highly unlikely you live in a cave (no Wifi) or are a hermit (hermits don't have sex partners), HARD, that leaves old fashioned or deliberately ignorant.

My money is on semi-deliberate ignorance. Because as anyone who reads my column would know—and you would have to be reading me to write me—finding a suitable/compatible long-term relationship isn't easy and mismatched libidos are a common and often relationship-ending problem. So you're not some monstrously horny, freakishly perverted outlier, HARD. You're just another high-sex-drive normal person who's had the misfortunate of partnering with a series of women who happened to be low-sex-drives normal persons.

My advice: take comfort in knowing you're not alone, HARD, while prioritizing sexual compatibility as you search for a new new partner.

Repeat after me: "Sexual compatibility is important, I have a right to prioritize sexual compatibility in a partner, and there are women out there that can match my animality bone-for-bone." Be upfront with new partners early on in the relationship: You have a high libido, you're looking for someone whose libido matches or—Yahtzee!—exceeds yours. Establish a connection and mutual interest before making this disclosure, HARD, unless you met someone on a website for the sexually adventurous, in which case you can put it at the top of your profile. And if someone's interest in sex craters after a few months, you can end things and start searching for a new partner with a clear conscience because sexual compatibility matters.

But if absolutely every last woman you're with loses interest after a few short months, HARD, it's possible-to-probable you're doing something wrong. Or somethings, plural. Because a partner with a high libidos is a blessing when that libido comes bundled with a high emotional IQ, good sexual technique, concern for a partner's pleasure, attentiveness, solicitousness, follow through, etc., whereas a high libido paired with selfishness, cluelessness, or skill-less-ness is fucking curse. So do a little critical self-assessment, maybe ask for some feedback from exes you're on good terms with, and make 1. sure it's not you and 2. make whatever improvements you can. (There's always room for improvement, HARD.)

And finally, HARD, you don't mention whether you're against a non-monogamous or monogamish relationship. But if you keep running into this problem—the sex drops off but the relationship is solid—then experiment with a relationship that's open might be allow you to have the good & stable LTR you're seeking plus the excitement of the new. Good luck, troglodyte!

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