"I have a right to prioritize sexual compatibility" Fucking Entitled Troll, thinks just because he wants sex that he should be able to try to get it

"So the question is, am I a troglodyte that can't be satiated, or do I have a problem selecting my partners? I'm kind of resigned to never finding a good long-term relationship because of this, and it's a bummer. A serious bummer. Any ideas?"

Be comfortable with more masturbation and accepting no graciously, or be permanently single.

Maybe you can find someone with exactly the same libido, but there's really no guarantee that they'll match whatever else you're looking for beyond the initial excitement.

And with them there's also no guarantee that they'll maintain the libido consistently to meet your demands. Life happens, things occur, figure out your real priorities.

Yeah, my guess is that he's the bad kind of selfish in bed, and probably super-focused on only the sex part of any relationship. Which is the dude's prerogative, of course, but if he met someone that he really really clicked with in every way but the sex, would he be willing to compromise? It shouldn't be just your way or the highway, dude.

@3 I get the feeling that part of it is the 'throwing your genitals at one another from 30 yards apart" passion that is fleeting that also bums him out. Like he's placing the proximate cause for this passion with frequent sex rather than frequent sex being the outcome of the zestiness of someone new and interesting.

"someone whose libido matches or—Yahtzee!—exceeds yours"

Nice line, but I thought the consensus was that a rough match was far better than finding someone who wants it more often than you do. That just flips the script.

"it's all downhill sexually for me" -- yes, I'm with those saying he's not particularly generous in bed, or else he would phrase it as going downhill for both of them: "I used to get her off five time in a night, five nights a week, and now she usually takes matters into her own hands." His letter is all about his own satisfaction, as if their satisfaction is taken for granted.

For me, I ask: why be in a long term sexually exclusive relationship if it isn't what you want, lw? Jus date short term. And move on. You aren't required to be in a committed relationship.

This letter sounds like a lot of "It's all about ME!" and not so much about "How can I make my partner happy so if we're well matched the relationship will last. "...it's all downhill sexually for me", "...that really kills it for me...", "I have always found myself wanting more...", "I'm yet to find a relationship that sexually satisfies me..."

1) Don't be a selfish prick. If all you want is sex, lots of sex, and more sex and aren't willing to give your partner what she needs in order to get it, you will be doomed to repeat this cycle for the rest of your life. Sex should be FIRST about making your partner happy 'cause if she's satisfied and happy she'll want to do it with you more. If you are a selfish lover (and my guess is, YOU ARE) it's no wonder you get bored and women bail on you after they have had enough of your shitty "me first" attitude and bail. Dan's suggestion to ask past lovers for an honest assessment is a good one (if you haven't burned all your bridges.)

2) If you can't do step 1, accept that long-term relationships might not be for you. Adjust your expectations...Take Dan's advice and set your sights on an open relationship (though if you really ARE a selfish prick that won't work either, 'cause it's even HARDER to maintain that when you're a bad partner when you're with your primary...she'll have too many better options. So, maybe, lots of sex with lots of people with no real commitment is your reality. You have two choices. Accept it or change.

3) Yes. Maybe you're picking the wrong partners. Take a hard look at your choices, and look in places where highly sexed women might be more likely hang out for your dates. OKCupid would be a MUCH better venue than eHarmony.

4) Bring it up AFTER A FEW DATES when it looks like you might be on the "sex will probably happen" track. Ask for an honest assessment from your prospective partner as to her libido. Be honest yourself...this is a make or break deal for you. Let's not waste each other's time if you're not on board for a lot of sex. Seriously.

Dan, I can't believe you didn't get the reference to this:
https://youtu.be/JNS42Na2mpc

Unsatisfied troglodyte here. I'm a straight regular bloke with a rather high sex drive. I've had both long- and short-term relationships, was even married for a short time, but the sad constant in my relationships is that after the first few months it's all downhill sexually for me. I understand that relationships have to evolve towards a more stable and comfortable phase with less sexual animality, but that really kills it for me. I have always found myself wanting more sexually from my partners than they're capable of delivering after that first adrenaline driven phase, and that frustrates me to no end. I don't know whether it's unrealistic expectations or a seriously biased selection of low sex drive partners, but I'm yet to find a relationship that sexually satisfies me. So the question is, am I a troglodyte that can't be satiated, or do I have a problem selecting my partners? I'm kind of resigned to never finding a good long-term relationship because of this, and it's a bummer. A serious bummer. Any ideas?

In the words of one of the trolls who has passed this way; don't have a child (sexinterruptious).

Good find martinmc @8.
So he thinks he's a cave man? Likes to pull his woman by the hair back into the cave.
Fetlife, go there young bull man, a vast variety awaits.

I read between the lines of Trog's letter, and what I didn't see was women "losing interest" after a couple of months, or even necessarily going off Trog because he's bad in bed (though that's entirely likely, given, as DonnyK notes, his focus on "me me me"), but as the typical new-relationship-energy bounce in libido his partners are experiencing subsiding to their normal level of libido after a couple of months. Not necessarily to a low sex drive, as Dan says, but to a possibly even-higher-than-average-for-women sex drive which nevertheless doesn't match the level attained during the early-bounce period. So I think it is at least partly a matter of adjusting his expectations; of not viewing less than three-times-a-day as "low sex drive"; of recognising that the bounce is temporary, and that, yes, with pretty much everyone he dates, masturbation will re-enter his life after a few months. At least he recognises that the jump is due to a "first adrenaline driven phase." Like DarkHorse says, he has the option of just having flings and bailing when they start to find they can in fact keep their hands off him. Which is selfish, yes, but he sounds like a selfish kinda guy. So long as he doesn't make any long-term promises while enjoying their NRE-stoked libidos, and so long as he stays reasonably attractive, it may be a workable strategy for him.

@1 Sportlandia, threw you a question on the reader advice round-up thread.

@12 Fan. And sexually healthy. Cave men use condoms?
I read somewhere that men are taking the condom out mid fuck( when she wouldn't notice so much), and this is a trend.

Lava @14: Yes, I suppose "and being safe" isn't something I should assume all sexually non-monogamous adults are doing. Sigh! I read about that disturbing trend as well. It should be written into law that removal of said men's bollocks is justifiable retribution for such a heinous act. Why on earth would anyone welcome STIs and/or child support?? Mind-boggling.

As someone who has a stupidly high libido, here is what I do.

1. Expand how I think about sex. As I tell my SO, "If we are in the same room, it totally counts." So mutual masturbation, just oral, etc counts as sex.
2. Make sure the other person gets something out of it. If both people don't get something out of it, then they won't be as interested in doing it again.
3. Understand that there is a slow taper in sex and factor that into your calculations. Let's say that you want sex once a week. When you start dating someone and in the first month you get sex twice a week due to the taper you will end up getting sex once every other week or even less after the NRE wears off.
4. Understand that you might have to make compromises. Super attractive, very sexual, kind, physicists that are women are in very limited supply(I've met one in my life and she was quite taken). If you prioritize sex then you will most likely have to compromise in other areas.
5. Don't forget, be the person you want to be with. You need to have a lot to offer in order to be with someone who has a lot to offer.

@17,

No, he just seems like he doesn't know how to get what we wants for longer periods of time. Same outlook would apply to a woman - girl, if you wanna fuck like rabbits within the context of a relationship for more than a few months, you gotta have more oomph to the relationship than just fucking like rabbits.

Or you need to take the ample evidence in hand and understand all your relationships have expiration dates and plan accordingly.

You have to understand that the intensity of the beginning of the relationship settles down after some time ( 6 months for some people, 3 years for others, somewhere in between for most), and
1) Accept that you will not probably be 100% sexually satiated by your partner if you have a high libido.
2) Make plans for how you'll deal with that, such as making sure that the sex you do have is really high-quality sex, expanding your definition of what counts as sex, if yours is fairly narrow, realizing that you'll be masturbating more often again, maybe negotiating an open relationship.

You might want to set some realistic boundary so you'll know what your personal threshold is. Very few couples maintain 3-times-a-day sex over the life of a long-term relationship. But many are able to keep up a typical level of twice-a-week sex, if they're both sufficiently attracted to each other. Know that you cannot expect sex 3 times a day indefinitely, maybe not even sex every day.

If most of your relationship is based on sex, than naturally when the frequency of sex drops off, you'll have nothing. Sex is a very important factor in a relationship and sexual compatibility counts for a lot, but it should be one of many factor that make you want to be with that particular person.

@5: "That just flips the script."

And he'd be writing back with those complaints...

@17: "so you may well be blaming the victim here. Piling on guys who feel justified in prioritizing having lots of sex is just another kind of slut-shaming."

* He's no victim. Getting out of new relationship excitement to reality isn't punishing him.
* Telling him he needs to be content with the partners he dates isn't slut-shaming.

The issue isn't his sex and desires. It's the whiny self-entitlement about it.

All sympathy to people who want more sex than they're getting. Less to people who feel that they need to frame it as deserved and expected but also that it has to be with that particular partner, and that they must give it whether they want that frequency or not.

Yes, your beliefs aren't sex-positive because sec positivity is more than "yes please, now, and all of it". It's the ability to accept "no", which you and the LW seem to have issues centered around.

@19: This too. The LW needs to actually figure out what matters to him and min-max accordingly.

If he can't live without the libido now, he will necessarily screen out a lot more of what he wants. And again... no guarantees that theirs will remain in sync forever. The promises and guarantees he's seeking will never be possible as the relationship and all parties shift with time. But it's not as if he's resigning himself to bed death here, it's just less than he wants, continuously.

I once went on a date with a man who had, by age 50, been married 4 times. It turned out that in each case, he'd gotten married before being together with the woman for 6 months. The weddings always took place when sex was happening all the time. In the first 3 cases, as soon as the sex dropped off to a less-than-all-the-time level, he decided he'd "fallen out of love" and divorced. None of those marriages lasted more than 3 years; one only lasted 10 months. In the 4th marriage, he and his wife stayed together longer because they had kids fairly immediately. When she fell into post-partum depression after the second kid, the SSRI that helped her with her depression made her no longer orgasmic. He didn't want to have sex with a wife who couldn't come, so he decided he needed to leave the marriage.

Needless to say, after hearing this, I declined going on a second date.

@24: I forgot to make what should be the obvious point: by age 55, this guy still thought that the minute sex dropped off from its initial peak, it meant that the couple was no longer "in love." In his quest for lasting, true love, he was still looking for something with an expectation that the high initial sexual excitement should last indefinitely.
He hadn't learned a thing.

Geeeeeez nocute.

The immediate compulsion to sympathize because he's self-sabotaging is definitely tempered by all the partners and kids left in his wake. He's not only harming himself with these feelings of disappointed entitlement. I'm sure another few quickie marriages are in his future, because it's everyone else's fault he's so "unloved"! Why do they have to "sex-shame" him so!

I'll also note that life is a factor. Even if I'd very much like to hump like a bunny (and I would!), I have to work/ sleep/ pay bills/ do housework/ shower (and I don't even have children!). All that can add up into very little time and energy for sex. I suppose if I won the lottery that might make it possible for me to have sex as much as I like, but otherwise it's simply impractical.

If the LW's biggest barrier to getting all the sex he wants is partners, I have to wonder if those partners have more personal business to attend to than he does. If someone ever says they don't get to do X as much as they like, my first thought is that they may not have enough time or money for X to their heart's content. Sex can be the same.

He gets bored. The new phase of a relationship is euphoric. It's like a drug. It's why we have serial monogomists.

Mostly, he's probably just unlucky. Or he hasn't found someone who stimulates him on a more personal level. We don't know how old he is, but it's also possible he barely knows how to stimulate himself, mentally. Those last longer the new-sex stimulation.

Dear LW, according to my research (and, well, life experience...), men's sexdrives tend to peak sometime in their twenties while women's peak -and quite intensely too- sometime in their forties. Hope that helps...

@17 how interesting that you consider the party not getting enough sex to be the victim. What if this was a letter from someone with average sex drive that was sick and tired of their partner trying to shag them day and night? Are they a victim?
There are no victims here. Just differences.

@30: Yes.

LW *IS* entitled to a satisfying sex life, and he is entitled to have one by deciding to end relationships with women who do not want the same sex life that he does.

Saying someone with a high sex drive should compromise down to the partner with the lower sex drive is no less entitled than the other way around. Maybe if the guy has a higher sex drive and a whole lot of other great qualities, the partner with the lower sex drive should compromise up to sucking some more dick instead of feeling entitled to a relationship that doesn't work for the other partner.

Put shortly...

If you think someone whose sex drove doesn't match yours should simply accept the sex level you want instead of dumping you, you're the entitled one.

I agree with Dan, you are not being selfish. I think the people attacking you on this thread don't understand the feeling of frustration and rejection that a high libido partner feels with a much lower libido partner, and how harmful that can be over the long term. If sex is important to you, keep looking and don't settle. High libido women exist, I promise, and we are seeking a match too.

Compromise doesn't mean all or nothing. It means that both sides move their own boundaries in the direction of their partners until they reach a reasonable middle ground. Partner A accepts that sex is limited to three times a week, Partner B adds an additional blowjob or two on the weekend - whatever they happen to decide on. And yeah, sometimes that means settling a bit and not getting every single item on your wish list.

Tough titties - that's just life. I don't know where this victim mentality came from, but it's absurd. He's only a victim in his mind, and if that's the kind of attitude he's projecting, no wonder he's not getting the level of sex he wants. Again, he's perfectly entitled to sever any relationship that doesn't meet his expectations, but that's pretty much a guarantee that he won't have anyone to grow old with.

@33: Until he decides that *you* just aren't giving him as much as he deserves.

@33 I do understand it and the toll it takes but I'm also not helpless and singularly defined by my libido (or vanity or pride).

I've thought about this issue a lot recently because it's one of a couple things that prevents me from pursuing a serious monogamous relationship. History tells me my desire for PIV with a monogamous partner will decrease from high frequency to average frequency years into a relationship. I think I used to assume most people were this way and would therefore expect a decrease after a while, but my most recent LTR partner expected frequency to remain constant over the course of the relationship and I know he is not alone in that expectation. The eventual decrease in PIV frequency resulted in him feeling unwanted and undesirable and the resulting tension and imbalance in frequency of sex initiation made me feel less and less sexual over time. I never want to go back to that place, so I've thought a lot about how to avoid that dynamic in the future.

For now, my strategy is to avoid serious monogamous relationships. If something unexpected evolves from a less serious relationship, I think I would have a frank discussion with the prospective LTR partner about this issue specifically. I actually had a more recent partner do this with me before we traveled together. We'd been having sex a few times each time we got together, but we only got together a couple times per week and hadn't ever spent several days in a row together. He told me he was concerned I might have an expectation of 3x per day frequency that would not be realistic over the course of several consecutive days. I did not have that expectation and was glad he communicated openly with me about it.

Perhaps LW could have a similar discussion with prospective partners. Rather than assuming the "new relationship" sex frequency will continue over the course of a relationship, he could ask his partner about their longer term expectations. Like "I know I'm someone who feels a need to have sex daily. How about you? Does your libido typically remain fairly constant, or does your desire tend to change at different points in a relationship?"

I also really like the idea of considering open relationships, though preferably from the very beginning, not just after the sex frequency has dwindled.

Some relationships start out with an average sex frequency (whatever that means, say 1-3 times per week) but after skill, empathy, maturity, (whatever) develop, the frequency doubles or triples. And not only for young people. As castora @29 suggests, for some women, their sex drive peaks in their 40's. Maybe the LW should look for a horny 45 year old woman.

Nocute @25: Congratulations on finding that out on the first date so you could run away accordingly!

@28: Is that was a serial monogamist is--someone who gets bored when the shiny starts to wear off and breaks up and looks for a new relationship so he or she can have that excited intensity again and again?
I always interpreted "serial monogamist" to mean someone who was uncomfortable being alone and jumped right into a new relationship quickly, Or I thought it was someone who was unable to date casually, who saw even a first date as a monogamous, committed relationship.

@40: For the ones (self-professed, even!) I'm friends with, I have observed the former and none of the latter.

Granted they don't frame that definition as explicitly as you have and I would. The problem with my outside analysis is also that I try to take an "each their own" attitude with my chums and have no need to question or push back, and thus I'm not likely to ask them about motives or framing of their many relationships that fizzle quickly.

One in particular who uses the "serial monogamist" tag for her dating life really does have a more free spirited lifestyle so I find the "bores easily" reasoning very plausible.

Granted, uncomfortable with being alone and addicted to the new relationship rush are usually comorbid and complement each other well.

This though "Or I thought it was someone who was unable to date casually, who saw even a first date as a monogamous, committed relationship."

It's the serial part that might be missing there?

Someone who will only date for the purposes of marriage or immediate and eternal LTR isn't going to want to to suggest that they serially find themselves in failed attempts.

Depending on how often and self-destructively they try and "fail" to find "the one" I'm sure it could still be appropriate for some.

@14 LavaGirl - I heard something about that trend too. Apparently it's called "stealthing."

@43 Despicable. Can't trust anyone these days - that's why I tie the little fuckers down.

The late advice columnist, Ann Landers, would describe the LW's situation as being "hooked on speed" - not the drug but hooked on the speed of new relationships. And when you think about it, it's really about a lack of maturity.

@24 nocute's story is a classic example of a selfish individual, just like the LW, who has not grown up and who is clearly "hooked on speed".

IMHO, individuals like these should avoid LTRs and just pay for sex on demand from a sex worker until if and when they grow the fuck up!

@40: From what I've seen, a serial monogamist is all of the above.

@16. Ghost Dog. Good, kind advice.

'Sexual animality' doesn't sound to me like good mutual sex. It sounds like one kind of good sex, yes, but the emphasis falls most on the frequency and idea that the sex is irresistible or uncontrolled. It isn't, in the long term. You have to get up for work in the morning; one of you has a cold and wants to go easier; you have a children's birthday party to prepare. When you make the sex about someone else, they usually respond in kind--so that it's better for you. Other people have given the LW this advice--make it about her, not about you; and it seems to be a sound bottom line.

@34. Sanguisuna. All this talk of 'four is your requirement' isn't very sexy. It's like 'the post-Impressionists say nothing to you!' I'll never look at a Seurat casually again now.

@47: "You have to get up for work in the morning; one of you has a cold and wants to go easier; you have a children's birthday party to prepare."

Exactly. Their ex-wives made their lives for that short moment of courtship all about the LW. And they miss that absorption of attention and sex. Now the wife is all busy with kids and priorities and friends and work (how rude, right?)

"When you make the sex about someone else, they usually respond in kind--so that it's better for you"

Sounds as if quantity > quality to them. I'd also be willing to guess that they're looking for someone who prioritizes them over the other responsibilities a grown adult has, but would whinge if the prospective mate's cleaning/homemaking/child rearing/work priorities were lessened to favor their sexual needs.

Again, mismatched libidos are a sad thing, but a reasonable(!) drop off as relationships evolve and family/home/unit responsibilities take over is expected and this guy's expectations for dating priorities sound unrealistic.

@48 I never said it was sexy. But sometimes it's necessary to have a clear understanding of expectations and limits. Perhaps it's my personal experience that's colouring things. Negotiation is a very important skill for bdsm relationships.

+234858839763 HOW DR FRED HELPED ME ENLARGE MY PENIS

Hello viewers around the globe am here to give my testimony about a spell caster called DR FRED, I have been humiliated many times in relationships due to the fact of not being able to satisfy my girlfriend because I had a very small penis. i had so many relationship called of because of my situation, i have used so many product which i found online but none could offer me the kind of help i searched for. I was going through some comments on Facebook when I saw a testimony about this specialist called DR FED, and how he helped solve the testifies relationship issues regarding to their sex life, so i decided to seek his help too following the email I saw ((drfredspirituraltemple@yahoo.comdrfredspirituraltemple@gmail.com so I decided to give his herbal product a try so I emailed him and he got back to me, and I told him my story, DR FED sent me some herbal pills for Penis Enlargement, Within 3 week of it, i began to feel the enlargement of my penis, " and now it just 4 weeks of using his products my penis is about 9 inches longer, all thanks to the great DR, I believe their so many people going through the same thing which I went through that why I decided to tell the world how I got help from this great man. (((drfredspirituraltemple@yahoo.com or drfredspirituraltemple@gmail.com)) is a place to visit..http://drfredspirituralte8.wixsite.com/d…  
DIABETES..
HERPES.
ENLARGEMENT..
You can also call +234858839763