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I recently got to enjoy a sexual encounter with a man I have loved and been friends with for many years because my primary relationship status changed to monogamish. This man has lived on a commune since he was in his 20s and now he is in his 50s. He has been with only a very few women as far as I know. He does not like to talk about sex very much and describes himself as having a low sex drive. He and his wife became more and more monogamish in recent years due to her desire for multiple younger male partners.

There are three problems that have taken me by surprise in this situation.

One is that it turns out that his wife is very controlling and does not let him have anywhere near the freedom that she demands for herself and he is feeling somewhat humiliated by this; two, is that he turns out to have a micro-penis; and, three, is that he does not seem to know that he has a micro-penis.

I am torn. First of all, I don't know whether there is any future for us to have another encounter because his wife is so controlling. But more importantly, I can see that his being unaware of his having a micro-penis puts him at a terrible disadvantage going forward in this nonmonogamish relationship with his wife.

One example is that he says she expects him to wear a condom for intercourse with other partners. I asked him whether he has ever had sex with a condom and he said yes, but I was dubious. His penis is not large enough to fill out a condom that would fit an average sized penis, but he is usually an extremely honest person. We did not have intercourse, in part, because I saw that this would be problematic, though I did not discuss it with him. Should I gently tell him somehow? I feel that our friendship takes precedence over any future sexual relationship, but this is a new level of awkwardness that I'm finding difficult to negotiate.

I hope you can give me some advice.

His Unrecognized Micro Penis

Not one of these problems, HUMP, is actually your problem.

Your friend's "more and more monogamish" marriage isn't yours to micromanage. His wife wants him to use condoms with other partners, which means they've had a discussion and set rules and boundaries for sleeping with other people and he—presumably—has managed to find a condom that works for him and his dick. (Maybe he's using female condoms?) Whatever is going on in the latex department, your friend of many years and his micro-penis will have to deal with his very controlling wife on his own. You're sleeping with him, HUMP, not her. If their relationship isn't balanced—if things aren't fair—and your friend is unhappy, you can encourage him to address that with his wife, but that's really all you can do.

Also, some couples in open-or-monogamish relationships agree to terms that seem unfair, imbalanced, or controlling to others, HUMP, but are acceptable to/accepted by both parties. Sometimes a reasonable insecurity isn't being accommodated, sometimes an unreasonable one is. But if your friend hasn't told you he feels humiliated or mistreated, HUMP, this imbalance may not be a problem for him. Don't project onto your friend how you would feel if similar terms were imposed on you.

Regarding your second and third problems-that-aren't-your-problems: Come on, HUMP... Really? Now, I don't want to doubt your ability to identify a micro-penis, but you're the one under the assumption your friend is completely unaware of his own micro-penis, so I'll ask it: Are you sure it's a micro-penis? Or just on the small end of the average range? Regardless, HUMP, men with small dicks—even micro-dicks—can have healthy, non-problematic sex lives and, yes, manage to keep a condom on. (And men with large dicks can have lousy sex lives and break a lot of condoms to boot.) Your friend of many years can deal with his very controlling wife and his micro-penis on his own. If he asks for help or suggestions or feedback (on his marriage, on his body), then feel free to jump in.

But let's say your friend has a micro-penis and somehow managed to get to 50 without ever realizing it. Maybe the kind, loving and friendly thing to do here is, I don't know, not tell your friend he has a micro-penis? Let him continue to live in blissful ignorance?

In your monogamish explorations, HUMP, be more concerned with fulfilling your needs, your partner's needs, and treating everyone involved with respect. Don't get into the habit of micromanaging and/or intervening in the lives, marriages, bodies, etc., of your other partners. Unless your thing is finding new levels of awkwardness that are difficult to negotiate and ensure that your relationships with others are brief and unpleasant.


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