I am a 47-year old man and I have been married to my wife for 20 years. We have been together for 23 years.

Around age 44 or 45, I started having ED problems. My urologist prescribed Cialis and put me on hormone replacement therapy. My wife was OK with the testosterone, but acted disappointed about the Cialis. For example, she would act all excited about how we just had sex without any pills—only for me to say, yes, I did take one. Then she would mope. I explained several times that I find this very hurtful and insulting. If it were a problem about my not being attracted to her, then the Cialis would not help. The fact that it is a medical condition that can be treated should make her feel better, not worse. Saying that non-Cialis sex is somehow better or purer implies that there is something wrong with my needing it. Gee, I really need to feel there is something wrong with me to perform better! Nothing like pressure to help with ED, right?

By the way, I don't tell her there is anything wrong when she needs to use lube or a vibrator.

The frequency of sex has been a big problem ever since our first kid was born in 2002. She will often make false promises—“Let’s have a date tomorrow night!”—followed by a last minute excuse... after I have already taken a pill, of course. Sometimes, she will spontaneously do things that will sabotage the plans to have sex that night—such as announcing that it is “family movie night” so we have to stay up late with the kids. I have explained to her that I find this to be ego-shredding. Given that my insurance only pays for 4 pills each month, wasting three of them on false hopes is a big problem.

Last weekend, she indicated once again that she wanted to try going without the Cialis—she “knows” I can do it. I emailed her this morning telling her that I found this very hurtful and insensitive given that we have already discussed how this make me feel. I also explained that magical thinking is no excuse for wasting the pills that I do have when she gets my hopes up.

She has some very rigid and judgmental views on other medical issues. She is strongly against cesareans, for example, and she has put down other women who have had them. She was devastated when she had to have one when our son wouldn’t descend. She insisted that I needed to tell her that I “knew” that she could have a vaginal birth when she became pregnant with our daughter. One time when she asked me to say this during a medical appointment, I looked straight at her midwife and asked if she could guarantee that my wife would not need a cesarean. Of course, she couldn’t make that promise. But I was supposed to. (The midwife later decided that our daughter was in danger during labor and told her that a cesarean was in fact necessary.) Both of our kids have issues—including some bad OCD from my side of the family—that could possibly be helped with psychiatric medications but she is dead set against considering that option.

Is there anything else I can do to get her to respect my feelings and the fact that taking Cialis is a medical decision between my doctor and me, not a negative judgment on her desirability? Is there any way to convince her to stop giving me false hopes about sex? Yes, the low frequency sucks. But the dashed expectations make it much worse.

Shamed And Disappointed

You're married to a crazy person, SAD. And while you're worried about wasting pills, I'm more worried about your kids.

Backing up: Our bodies don't function on prayers and beliefs. You understand this, SAD, but your wife has issues with this basic concept. You can't cross your fingers and magically manifest a concrete boner, just like your wife can't will her body to have a vaginal birth if a C-section is needed. (C-sections have done more to save the lives of babies and moms than any other medical procedure. That said, the procedure appears to be overused. But when it's necessary, it's necessary.) Unfortunately, SAD, it seems your wife's issue with Cialis is a part of a larger issue that won't be cured with some magic words (provided by me) or medical factsheets (available online but get one from your physician).

Your wife is crazy—no, wait. That's ableist. Your wife is an irrational asshole. Since she won't budge on her ridiculous aversion to modern medicine, SAD, here's what you can do: You can take Cialis. You can fuck your wife. You can enjoy yourself. She can enjoy herself. And if she asks if you took Cialis, you can say yes, because you shouldn't have to lie, and let the chips fall where they may. Or you can spare yourself the grief and lie to your asshole wife—without guilt, SAD, as deception is sometimes the only rational/tolerable workaround when your partner is utterly irrational about a certain subject. Both equally valid choices if you ask me, SAD, which you did. (And if you take Cialis and your wife suddenly doesn't want to fuck or announces it's family movie night, excuse yourself, grab your laptop, and go have a long and pleasurable wank.)

Now about your kids: If they have issues—medical or psychological issues—and would benefit from treatment and/or medications that they're not getting because your wife is fucking crazy an irrational asshole, DIVORCE YOUR GODDAM DAMN WIFE, go for custody, get your kids they help and meds they need, SAD, and get yourself a girlfriend who appreciates hard cock and modern medicine.