I've been traveling this week, meeting some nice people in Texas where the state legislature is busy coming up with new ways to make queer kids suffer. But we have more problems than Texas, as demonstrated by your letters: lady wants to flash her neighbors without being creepy; how to kick someone out after you've DTMFA'd 'em; and young lovers lie, cheat, and wonder why their relationship sucks. But opinions are like assholes, as they say, so here are some of your assholes. Sorry: opinions. Here are some of your opinions.

First, on dogs watching you hump:

You have probably received a lot of similar emails, but here's mine: My wife and I have a dog who is a serious pain during sex. She jumps on the bed or howls non-stop. She probably doesn't like not being the center of attention. Whatever. Here's a couple of tricks we use to keep her busy and out of the room:

1. Take a Kong chew toy, fill it with peanut butter, then FREEZE IT. This slows her down long enough for us to have sex for however long we want to without interruption. We keep two of these in the freezer at all times.

2. Pet stores sell dog-friendly raw spare ribs. They're a little messy and not usually cheap, but they do the trick.

Hope this might help Don’t Oversee Getting It On

In response to CLIF:

Been reading your column seemingly forever (like, "Hey Faggot!" forever) and your response to CLIF in today's Savage Love (whose wife could no longer orgasm from PIV sex) is first time I've felt the need to gripe about your advice. His situation hit home with me: my wife was also the, "Look ma, no hands!", type when we first got together and it really was pretty amazing to be able to look into your partner's eyes as you came together. But after about a decade together, a uterine cyst followed by a hysterectomy changed something in her physiology and that came to an end.

It was a pretty hard hit for us sexually and emotionally that took a long time to get over. Toys, oral, etc. had always been on the table, but more as part of a GGG lifestyle then as the main source of her coming. And for a long time it put her off sex as a source of her own pleasure. Things have gotten much better since then, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't occasionally talk wistfully about that time in our relationship. So I can empathize with what CLIF is going through. When we went through this we did research and spoke with doctors wondering exactly the same thing: os there some way to reclaim that PIV=her orgasm connection. We even thought of writing you to ask the wise guru of all-things-sex. But man, am I glad we didn't.

In response to CLIF asking for some fairly simple advice, you bluntly say (through another) that it's not a problem that she can't come from PIV sex. But you, Dr. Gunter, and her stat ignore the fact that up until fairly recently she could come this way (i.e., what's the percentage of women who lose that abliity). Then you suggest that, because he hasn't mastered the subtle art of acronyms, he might just be a shitty lover whose wife has been faking orgasms for years and is just tired of it.

Really, dick move. You could've just said "no."


Like CLIF’s wife, I had plenty of orgasms from PIV right up until I popped a kid. Nearly 20 years worth of them. I’ve had exactly one in the 20 years since. I miss it, because it’s always nice to have a variety of ways to get there, but I don’t miss it that much because my fella is a God of Cunnilingus. All those PIV orgasms were still a result of clitoral stimulation, so obviously something shifted. This is the kind of thing that nobody ever tells you going into pregnancy. Just like nobody mentions that your balance might be permanently altered from the pregnancy changes to the inner ear. My point is there are all kinds of little things that are different post-pregnancy. Change is part of life, and nothing says life like an infant rearranging, well, everything.

In response to ROUGH and safe words:

ROUGH is a person turned on by her partner checking in with "Is this okay?" and wants to try some "tame kinky stuff" (blindfolds, being tied up, etc.), which currently freaks her out. Dirty talk is a tried-and true check-in used every day, that neatly leads couples back and forth between vanilla sex and kink. ROUGH may be able to pre-arrange with her partner some checkin phrases that are more aggressive than "Is this okay?" ROUGH may be turned on and reassured—and her partner may be turned on and reassured—by other phrases, such as "You like that?" or "Do you like being dirty?" Couples use dirty talk in exactly the same way that ROUGH And her partner do: as turn-ons, and checkins, and guides for how to proceed. It's an excellent way to gauge each other's responses to see how they are feeling, and whether now is a good time to back off or try something more kinky. And it gives ROUGH and her partner a way to GRADUALLY introduce more aggressive behavior into their sex lives.

ROUGH and her partner could also discuss in advance specific safewords as answers to the checkins. Something different from the usual Yes/Maybe/No/Stop. Her partner might be turned on by more aggressive responses, and she might be turned on and feel in control by knowing—and witnessing—her partner respond to her cues. "Topping from the bottom," basically. Changes in language should stay clear of physical restraint or being mean or any other change in their usual activity—at least at first. Good luck to them both.

And, finally, for NOTHARD:

I'm a guy—mid sixties—who has experienced Erectile Dysfunction for about 4 years. Your reply to NOTHARD, who is missing the erectile delights of her partner were great in covering the options of extra-marital 'therapy'... but there's other options for ED besides Big Pharma's Viagra windfall. Two important options come to mind. The first is "herbal" or alternative options. These of course have not been accepted or "approved" by the powers of Western Medicine—mainly because Western Medicine is pimped to and controlled by Big Pharma—but tens of thousands of men have found encouraging results in these supplements. In the long run, they're far cheaper than Viagra, and can provide many other benefits to health in general. You'd need to do a little research to make sure there's no adverse reactions to any current medication you're on, but really the worst case scenario in most cases is, they may not work.

Option two is to change your diet. Radically. The small arteries that supply the dick of its sudden urge for blood are prone to the same type of congestion and plaque buildup as are your coronary arteries, and other less-important pipes. Three years ago, I went on a huge body cleanout, including a herbal cleanse, followed by green power drinks daily (including raw garlic, raw tumeric root and kale), and a major nuking of junk-food, carbs and bad fats. After about three months of this regimen, my dick and my sexual endurance were 20 years younger. Since then, I've gotten sloppy with diet, and *bingo*, Big Dick is back to Little Richard. Kind of sad, but now I have the solution—in hand, so to speak.

HUMP! 2017 Call for Submissions!

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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