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Middle aged homo trying to figure out Grindr. Is it impolite to go on Grindr if you're not looking for an immediate hook up? My preferred form of sexual relationship is the friend-with-benefits situation. I go on Grindr looking to make friends who could, at least potentially, be sex partners, but I usually like to do the friend thing before the sex. I've had guys call me an asshole because I exchanged messages with them for like 20 minutes and then didn't come right over and fuck them. Do they have a point? Does logging into a hook-up app like Grindr imply openness to an immediate sexual encounter?

Talking Online Repulses Some Others

Basic etiquette: Be upfront with your intentions. The best way to do that is by creating a profile—on Grindr or anywhere else—that clearly describes what you want and what you're up for, TORSO. After all, good partners (sexual or otherwise) know what they want and are able to ask for it. They can communicate. That applies to Grindr, too. You know what would be pretty clear?

My preferred form of sexual relationship is the friend-with-benefits situation. I go on Grindr looking to make friends who could, at least potentially, be sex partners, but I usually like to do the friend thing before the sex.

That would make your intentions pretty clear.

Grindr is an app for hookups, but some people have made find friends, found lovers, and met their future husbands on the app (usually after hooking up first, though). Being on an hookup app doesn't automatically mean you're looking for "right now," and it certainly doesn't obligate you to fuck every guy you swap a few messages and pics with. But if you're not clear in your profile about what you're doing there, TORSO, guys who are looking for a quick hookup on that hookup app could be annoyed and justifiably so. (The time and energy he sunk into you? Could've sunk that into someone looking for right now.) If you are clear, then it's a guy's own fault if he's looking for instacock and feels like he's wasted his time chatting with you.

Your timing, TORSO, could also have something to do with guys calling you an asshole. Are you exchanging messages at two in the morning for 20 minutes? If it's in the middle of the night, you can probably assume most guys are on Grindr looking for an immediate sexual encounter, unless they have insomnia and just love chatting with mostly headless strangers online. For the most part, TORSO, chatting for an hour in the middle of the night is probably wasting someone's time, and potentially rude on your part—if you're not clear that you're just there to chat. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't gab until morning with a stranger on Grindr, but be prepared for some guys to rightly call you an asshole if you're not clear that you're only there to chat. (Or, hell, even if you are—not everyone reads the profiles. So mention it right away.)

Also, TORSO, Grindr is location-based, which means you're going to get a different experience based on where you're using it. Some neighborhoods are filled with messy guys looking for chemsex. In other neighborhoods, you'll find queer twinks who seemingly only want to send GIFs back and forth and reference TV shows you've never heard of. And if you're in a rural area, it's likely you'll message your full cast of Grindr torsos within a few days. Grindr might not work for you, and that's fine. Delete it, redownload it, do what you will, but don't waste your time by being unclear.


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