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I have a question about being a queer woman with a straight dad who has boundary issues. We're fighting right now over his pushing of several boundaries involving my body and my home, and I'm not sure how to have a loving relationship with him while maintaining those boundaries.

For the past few years, he has lived in Asia, living a bohemian life (we are white and not wealthy). He comes to visit the states 3-4 times a year, and he always schedules a visit around a business meeting or appearance promoting his self-published book. When he comes to NYC, where I live, he is always ignoring his jet lag, burning the candle at both ends. He spends the entire time talking endlessly about his own problems and rarely shows meaningful interest in my life.

A year ago, when meeting up in a crowded bar, my dad smacked my ass in front of my wife and friends. I furiously told him never to do it again, or to treat any women like that. He pouted and acted cowed. Since then, I feel like the scales are freshly fallen from my eyes when it comes to the ways he has reared me to be accommodating of his narcissism and entitlement. I have simply started stating clearer boundaries, and he is not taking it well, which deepens my resentment.

Our latest conflict arose when he mentioned he was planning on coming to California where my sister lives, and why don’t I come and we can all hang out? I told him squarely that I could not afford to take the time or pay for the plane ticket to fly across the country to see him. He then said he would come to NYC, but only during a week when my wife and I will just be coming back from a long weekend at a conference (already committed to, tickets alright bought). My wife and I are happily working class artists who live in a 750 square foot apartment in Brooklyn. We both work all the time, and our home is our sanctuary. We prefer to plan ahead, which is antithetical to the way my dad lives his life.

I’m not even sure how the current fight escalated. I told him he couldn’t stay with us, and he kept asking hoping for an answer he liked, and I told him I would like to make plans when I am available, and he started getting more and more accusatory. He started to get petty, bringing up grudges against things my wife has said, and suggesting I should be as accommodating to him as my mom (his ex-wife) was to his dad (my grandpa) when I was young (he seems oblivious to the fact that my mom was miserable during this time). I told him I was confused about what he was angry about, and his answer was: If you don’t know why I’m angry then I don’t know what to tell you. So I told him I needed some space. We haven’t spoken in a month.

My question is two fold. How can I reconcile with my Dad while still maintaining my boundaries? And what tools can I use in our relationship going forward so I can be kind and loving without letting him walk all over me?

Boundaries Are Desperately Desired And Difficult

If I were in your shoes, BADDAD, I would lean the fuck into my pain-in-the-ass dad's long sulk and get on with my life and my wife. I would send dad a chatty email or text him once in a while, letting him know I'm thinking of him, but I wouldn't waste one single second trying to tease out exactly what dad's angry about.

Personally, BADDAD, I think it would be awesome if manipulative, entitled narcissists everywhere punished their friends and family by going silent for months at at time.

But that's not the advice you asked for. How can you reconcile with dad while still maintaining your entirely reasonable boundaries, i.e. don't slap my fucking ass, don't berate me, don't impose me? By taking your sweet-ass time to reconcile. Your father is trying to manipulate you with his (blessed, welcome, and hopefully durable) silence, BADDAD, and it's important that you refuse to be manipulated. Narcissistic dicks know how to play their victim scripts to get their way, and those scripts are often highly effective when used against immediate family members. But what you're asking from you dad—he needs to find a time to visit that works for you all, particularly if he expects you to put him up and put up with him—is entirely reasonable. If he refuses to comply and finds ways to berate or belittle you in an attempt to get his way, BADDAD, if he's going to be respond to reason with raise unreason, then you can get on with your life/wife with a completely clear conscience.

When you do start speaking to your dad again, try your best to avoid being riled up by petty grudges and arguments. Even if your father is in the wrong, it won't be productive to endlessly argue—conflict is what he's after, conflict puts him in the center of the emotional action. Not playing along with his games: one of the boundaries you need to set. Another boundary to set: your decisions about who gets to stay in your home with and when—and who gets to slap your ass and when—are 100% non-negotiable. If he pushes back, BADDAD, take a deep breath, tell dad it was nice talking to him but you have to go now, and then hang up the phone or walk out the bar. Another effective tactic when dealing with a narcissist? Toss a few unrelated/non sequitur compliments dad's way. Squirrel him. It's counterintuitive, and it can be galling to force a compliment out of your mouth when you really wanna slap someone, but a compliment can sidetrack a narcissist and get 'em off one subject and on to another. (It's the same tactic world leaders are using to manage/distract our narcissist-in-chief.)

You have the power in this situation. You're an adult, BADDAD, with a wife and career and busy life of your own. Your dad can be a part of your life going forward—but now that you're an adult, you get to set terms and conditions and boundaries. Your dad may not like it, your dad may push back against it, but once he sees his efforts are wasted, BADDAD, he'll knock it the fuck off or fuck the fuck off. Either way, you win.


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