No, Robin Wright isnt the new bachelorette, but wouldnt that be fun?
No, Robin Wright isn't the new bachelorette, but wouldn't that be fun? Collage by Chase Burns

We're almost into summer TV territory, y'all, but not quite yet. We still need to finish off The Leftovers and Better Call Saul. Plus, the heavy hitters of summer TV haven't premiered yet, although the official trailer for GoT was teased this week. Among all the garbage game show debauchery, the return of The Bachelorette, which premiered this past Monday, is most notable. Why? Well, if you don't know then you haven't been paying attention. Or maybe you've just been paying attention to actually important things that have more to do with reality and less to do with TV. No worries - I've got you covered.

THE BACHELORETTE
(ABC, also streaming on Hulu)

We have no idea what whaboom is, but the guy who says it might be Americas new villain.
We have no idea what "whaboom" is, but the guy who says it might be America's new villain. Collage by Chase Burns

We have a first! Somehow, Rachel Lindsay, the 13th woman to sacrifice her future on The Bachelorette, is the first black bachelorette. Other fact: The Bachelor hasn't had a black lead either, despite being the older show. So, this is really the first black person to be the object of desire on either franchise. (Yeah, really! It's screwed up.) But having a black bachelorette doesn't mean the show will do a 180 on its well-documented race issues (take, for example, whaboom guy), or dedicate a season to glorifying black love. Black men only made up roughly one-third of this season's total cast (11 out of 31), and after the first elimination on Monday only seven black men remained out of 22. As The Root recently warned: "Prepare yourself. She will pick a white dude." But regardless of Rachel's choices and their cultural significance, 5.7 million people tuned into the premiere of The Bachelorette—a turnout so massive it might as well be (as GQ wrote) sci-fi.

Full disclosure: I know I should be a fan of The Bachelorette, but I'm not. Gays and girls are supposed to love this garbage, right? We're the target demographic or something? Weird shit goes down in hetero-bachelor town, like having ocean sex and getting tattoos of each other, so I should be binging the drama, yeah? Nah. I can barely keep up. To me, it always seems these contestants get all gooey-eyed before asking the important questions. Do you really only need nice biceps and a "more on top" white guy haircut to get a wife? If I was on the show, I'd be asking a Nick or Jake, "How do you feel about co-ops?" Or, "Even though pageant queens have a bad rap, are you able to see how Trinity 'The Tuck' Taylor is the rightful winner of season 9 of RuPaul's Drag Race?" And, like, "What does the word 'Benghazi' mean to you?"

Give me a bachelor or bachelorette that asks the hard questions (see: this week's cover image) and I'll sign up to be a contestant. But hey, there are arranged marriages that miraculously work, so why can't a group of capitalist reality TV producers help a gal find her forever guy who also loves to eat raw sweet potatoes? The Bachelorette continues Monday nights on ABC and can be streamed on Hulu.

HOUSE OF CARDS
(Netflix)

I have a confession. Please don't hate me. We can't all be perfect. Okay... I've never watched House of Cards. I said it! I didn't really start paying attention to it until season three, and by then it seemed like everyone had jumped ship. (As the Washington Post once asked, "Did House of Cards get worse, or has it always been this bad?") But the fifth season of the show premieres at the end of this month, and maybe it's time I give House of Cards a try now that America has unexpectedly plunged into its own political clown show.

If you've remained loyal to House of Cards, the big question seems to be if the new season of the show will fare like the current season of Veep, which has suffered from presenting a world that's tamer, safer, and less threatening than our current reality under sub President Trump. The pre-season buzz is unclear, but it looks like it's sure gonna be spooky. The show's season five promo teased a President Frank Underwood dictatorship, suggesting there would be 25 years of an Underwood presidency, and a promo that aired on Facebook Live showed Claire Underwood (Robin Wright) eerily requiring warning citizens to report suspicious activity.

If you somehow have the energy for more political trickery, then catch the fifth season of House of Cards this coming Tuesday.

BLOODLINE
(Netflix)

Family thriller set in Florida, but somehow there havent been tons of gators. Only some.
Family thriller set in Florida. Needs more gators. Collage by Chase Burns

"Family thriller set in Florida" should tell you everything you need to know, especially when the first season's tag line is "we're not bad people, but we did a bag thing." (Floridian voters can surely relate.) As a native Floridian, I first want to apologize, and then I'd like to say that everything you think about Florida is probably true. But Florida is more than just Nascar and gator meat. (Although, my aunt's friend did lose a toe to a gator once while walking her dog, and my grandpa did kidnap my family one time and made us camp inside the Daytona 500 track without our consent.) Bloodline, a show set in Florida, does a wonderful job showing how America's penis state is its own unique, dirty form of the South. It's not all Disneyland and dirty beach people! As Bloodline points out, it's also eerie family grudges, murder, and human trafficking. Yeehaw! And while the second season of Bloodline received far less critical praise than its first season, the show returns for its third and final season this Friday.

It appeared to be a surprise to everyone that this will be the last season of Bloodline. The show's executive producer, Todd A. Kessler, told Variety this third season will be about "holding the Rayburns’ feet to the fire," but the show's demise may actually hold the Bloodline creators' feet to the fire, forcing them to focus the action. If so, this final season of Bloodline could be its best. It could also be a disaster, but a disaster involving gators, murder, and family grudges sounds like a pretty lovely disaster to watch. Then again, don't trust me. I'm from Florida.

This Week's Notable TV Premieres

We're revving up for summertime reality TV. This week, Love Connection, Andy Cohen's new revamp of the 90s Chuck Woolery-hosted classic premieres on Fox, and America's Got Talent returns to NBC with Tyra Banks as the host. America's Got Talent is also available on Hulu. ABC is premiering a strange Romeo and Juliet sequel from Shonda Rhimes, and Netflix is dropping new seasons of Bloodline, F is for Family, and House of Cards.

—Love Connection (Fox, Thurs, 5/25)
—Bloodline (Netflix, Fri, 5/26)
—Still Star-Crossed (ABC, Mon, 5/29)
—America's Got Talent (NBC, Tue, 5/30)
—F is for Family (Netflix, Tue, 5/30)
—House of Cards (Netflix, Tue, 5/30)