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I'm a straight cis-gendered man in my mid-twenties, and happily in a committed relationship. For a long time, I've considered myself a feminist, and I wear the title with pride. I believe women deserve all the equal rights of men, and try to do my part in application as well. (Speaking out at work for better hiring practices and marching in local equality marches for example.) In an attempt to be as genuine as possible I've recently begun evaluating my other actions to make sure the mesh with my words, which has led me to the elephant in my bedroom. I enjoy erotic fiction over porn when I masturbate, and the genre that excites me the most is "non-consent." While I probably don't need to clarify this with you, I will anyway, my fantasy for this kind of literature ends at that, masturbation fantasy. The thought of any kind of real non-consensual sexual contact disgusts me beyond words and I have no desire to ever act out any of the stories I read even in play with a consenting partner. For me, they are just exciting stories involving control and humiliation, both of which turn me on when I read about them. Lately I am questioning: Is it healthy to enjoy these stories or should I seek less morally questionable masturbation aids on principle? Secondly should I disclose this to my partner in the name of honesty?

Masturbation, Orgasms, Rape, And Literature Shame

I can hear the internet rage machine coming for me as I prepare to type this... but you can be a feminist—even a male one, even a cishet one—and read erotic fiction about "non-consensual sexual contact," MORALS.

I'm not sure if "is it healthy?" is the most pertinent question. Our turn-ons, our kinks, our sexual interests... just are. How we understand them, how we express them, when, where, and with whom we choose to act on them—that's where healthy/non-healthy/functional/dysfunctional comes in. We should be thoughtful about our fantasies, of course, and some thought has to be given to the larger social forces/ills that often shape them; that goes double/triple/quadruple about sexual fantasies/interests that cannot be realized because doing so would violate another person. But our thoughts and fantasies are our own, and if we can incorporate them into our lives—and enjoy them—in a way that doesn't harm anyone else, there's nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to be gained by feeling guilty. In some cases our fantasies have to remain fantasies—they cannot be acted on—but in others we can safely, consensually, ethically explore them with others who share them.

I get different versions of this question all the time, MORALS, mostly from women wondering if their similar tastes in porn—or their consensual realization of their "non-consent" fantasies—disqualifies them from identifying as feminists or makes them complicit in rape culture. (No and no, respectively.) So long as you believe in consent, practice consent, and are vocal about the importance of consent (helping to create a culture of consent), you can read erotic fiction about non-consensual scenarios—or role-play non-consensual scenarios with other consenting adults—without having to turn in your feminist card. In the same way that someone can fantasize about owning a sex slave (or being one) without actually owning someone, endorsing slavery, or being complicit in modern slavery, people can fantasize about non-consensual scenarios without endorsing, being complicit in, or actually wanting to participate in non-consensual sexual activities, aka rape and sexual assault.

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