Rounding up the past week: There's a new pro-polyamory country song and I like it. There's a book Cardinal Dolan wants you to read about
sucking dicks needing to be reminded not to suck dicks. From letter-writers: Why does his girlfriend's ass smell so bad? How does the average person masturbate? What to do about lesbian bed death? Will he really give up his kink for her? I took my best shots. Here are some of yours...
In regards to TVWBFAWLJNITGW:
You gave the virgin some good advice but you need to be a little careful suggesting that readers find a compassionate sex worker. Sex work is still illegal most places, and all this guy needs to finish ruining his life is a sex conviction. And he should definitely not be using the "computer in his office" to find his companion. This kinky lawyer thank you for all you do.
Thanks for writing, and I'll pass your note along to TVWBFAWLJNITGW. But I have to assume people who write me for advice are also readers of my column. So presumably TVWBFAWLJNITGW knows that sex work is illegal and has read past columns (recent ones) that offered tips on finding a legit sex worker. Others wrote in saying TVWBFAWLJNITGW shouldn't use his work computer to find a sex worker. I agree—and I assumed that TVWBFAWLJNITGW was referring to an office in his home. He's disabled, says he doesn't get out much, and describes himself as "entombed" in his office. I should've made it clear that I was referring to a computer in his home, not his work computer. But, yeah, people shouldn't use their work computers when they're thinking about breaking the law.
UPDATE: I passed your note along to TVWBFAWLJNITGW, and he wrote back:
Yeah, it was a computer in my home office that I was using. I wouldn't use any sort of public connection to hire a sex worker. I'm not going to be doing that straight away, regardless, I want to get right with myself before I take that step. Not opposed to it on moral grounds or anything, I'm just trying to be realistic about priorities. Survival is more important than fucking, and I figure finding gainful employment before Casino Mussolini and his monstrous cohort can gut supplemental security income is a wise first step. I'm a writer, so that's one job I can theoretically do despite my circadian disorder. In any case I wanted to personally thank you for your advice and your well wishes. I've been making some changes already, getting rid of sugared drinks and such, eating healthier. Hardly a panacea, even hardcore chemotherapy didn't make a dent as far as my weight is concerned, but a good first step. My life has been, objectively, a total shitshow, but things are finally stable enough where I can start moving forward, instead of just putting out fires.
And, finally, two more for TVWBFAWLJNITGW:
The letter from TVWBFAWLJNITGW really hit close to home for me. You see, I was a virgin for 35 years. I finally got around to having sex with a woman, but it was only after years having no sexual confidence whatsoever. I know you suggested that TVWBFAWLJNITGW find a prostitute, but that might be quite intimidating for someone in his situation. Might I suggest webcam sex sites as an alternative? It's a great way to ease into being sexual with a partner in an anonymous way, and overall, it's cheaper than a prostitute, and much easier to access. Most sites give you the option of not showing yourself on camera, so if you're shy, that's a great way to build rapport with a model until you're ready to go face-to-face (or cam-to-cam) with them. This did a lot for me to build up my confidence until I was ready to have sex for real. It also taught me how to flirt in a more sexual way, and to open up about my desires.
What a sweet guy! I just want to tell TVWBFAWLJNITGW the best sex I've ever had is with a man who can't always (or even often) achieve or maintain an erection.
Early in our relationship I used to get upset and think it was because he didn't find me as attractive as he claimed to. I also worried maybe it was because I wasn't good enough in bed. He has successfully assured me it's because of his weight/age/medications. It wasn't easy though- for a while I really thought I was the problem. Maybe if TVWBFAWLJNITGW is really good with compliments and explanations, his partner will feel comfortable.
We have some stretches of time where we are not able to have sex the old fashioned way, and sometimes I'm the only one who gets to have orgasms. Please tell TVWBFAWLJNITGW he and his future girl can still be very happy if this happens with them, too. My fiancé tells everyone he's happier than he's ever been in his whole life.
At first my fiancé was completely unable to have an orgasm with me. He'd feel guilty that he was taking so long, and he couldn't get past it. Even viagra didn't help with this.
The first time he came was because I brought my hitachi magic wand. He was afraid I was going to try and use it on him, but I just wanted to lay it on the bed and straddle it while I went down on him. I figured he wouldn't feel anxious or guilty about taking a long time if he knew I was busy having orgasms and didn't care how long he took. Of course it worked, and he was finally able to come. He was very happy. It didn't solve everything though- sometimes he gets hard, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn't. He always makes me come though. He's so wonderful.
Even with viagra we don't usually get to have "normal" sex, and when we do, we never get to finish that way, but we always have great sex. My fiancé has always been outrageously generous in bed. That's so very much more important than a reliable erection.
And it seems TVWBFAWLJNITGW feels really old, but he's still so very young! I'm just sure he'll find a nice girl, and he's going to make her very happy in bed.
In regards to NOTHARD:
Another important thing you should mention to the woman in Traps & Triggers whose husband can't stay hard: he should get his testosterone levels checked. Testosterone declines in men with age, and can have a HUGE impact on the ability to stay hard. My (also older) husband had this issue and went on testosterone supplements, and it's made a night-and-day difference in his ability to both stay hard and get excited about sex. Please tell her to get him to check if this is a problem in their case!
Responses to my response to INSOMNIA are still coming in:
I'm still unsatisfied with your response to INSOMNIA, hence this email. The condition of insomnia needs professional help. It really is life changing to get into a healthy sleep cycle. She shouldn't be up with chores and projects, she should be practicing good sleep hygiene practices. (Although, when my kids were little, those early morning hours were a good, uninterrupted time for sex). How about suggesting a totally different time for both of them? Saturday afternoon? And some compromise between both parties would be good. It can't be all on the woman to cater to her husband's schedule. Anyway, thanks for listening. Keep up the good writing!
Some stuff on... Harry Potter?
About the letter from ALONE last week, I know this was an example of the sort of things she says, but if she's saying things like this without knowing what she's talking about, it's a GIANT red flag: "I took an online Harry Potter test once for a friend, and it said I was a Slytherin." A SLYTHERIN?!? I'm not a giant Harry Potter fan, but I know enough about it to know that saying you're a Slytherin would scare off anyone who knows even a little bit about the franchise.
A response from a letter-writer:
You published my letter after I wrote to you about 18 months ago having a problem with my partner's terrible dental health and hygiene, vaping and being generally anti-social. After the wonderful advice and support I had from yourself and also the readers comments, I found the strength to move out a few months later and eventually the relationship ended after living apart for a year. I recently decided to start dating, and what a joy to be able to kiss again and be with men that smell nice. It's just so good not being stuck in that awful situation anymore. I was feeling so isolated and desperate when I wrote to you. Thanks so much—yourself and all the readers who commented helped me find my way out of a dark place. I only wish I hadn't taken so long. Keep doing your good work, you change people's lives for the better every single day.
And another response from a letter-writer:
I very much appreciate your response to my email, but I think I did a poor job of communicating what's I feel is at issue here. If you would be willing to follow up with me I'd appreciate it very much. I am moderately kinky, but I didn't seek this arrangement and I'm never intended for it to be about my desires. We've tried non-missionary vanilla positions, but we struggle to find a position that's comfortable for her and/or stays that way long enough to finish. Thus far, only missionary has worked for us and I'm unclear as to exactly why. She climaxes regularly during pre- and post-game, but never during intercourse (which I know is within the range of normal.)
I'm having a tough time suggesting other options because I'm not getting feedback on what is working or understanding the physical issues that make some positions tough. When we first talked about this, I thought, perhaps naïvely, that I would be a supportive partner and companion on a sexual journey of her making, not the one writing the itinerary. She tells me she doesn't feel ready to start online dating yet (which I understood as a mutual end goal) but when I ask for direction as to what else she needs to get there, she struggles to give me anything. I want to honor the campsite rule and leave her in a position where she feels able to meet a guy she's into and feel comfortable being fucked by him on the 1st or 3rd or 47th or 112th date depending on her comfort level, but I'm unsure how to get her there and I'm not getting any feedback.
Maybe I was unusual in that I lost my virginity 10 years ago to an experienced partner who was game for my extensive list of fantasies. Even though I didn't know what I really liked, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to try out. I thought that was normal and had that apparently unrealistic assumption about her at the outset of this.
I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to get her to open up and give me some guidance, both in better understanding her physical considerations and what it would take for her to plunge in to the dating scene. We don't have to stop having sex the second she makes a Tinder profile, but I want to feel like I'm helping her get to that point. If I'm just providing a familiar dick I'm not actually empowering her to get out there and find a fulfilling relationship.
We're both yuppies in our late 20's now and if she builds the confidence to date, she has a lot to offer to guys with the potential to be boyfriends, husbands and fathers to the children I know she'd like to have. I'll do virtually anything to help her get to that point, but I don't know if we are actually making forward progress.
Nice to hear from you again, KINKS. I'll take things one paragraph at a time...
1. Maybe missionary is the only position she can sustain. So why not cycle through a few positions? Or start with missionary, get close, and move to a new position—one she can't sustain for long, but not one she'll have to sustain for long?
2. You can't read her mind and neither can I. Maybe she's not ready to start dating. Maybe she doesn't want to start dating. Maybe she's catching feelings for you and hopes that you'll catch feelings for her. I can only speculate, KINKS, but you're in a position to ask. (Her, not me.)
3. Not every inexperienced person knows exactly what they want to try and/or can easily articulate the things they know they'd like to try.
4. "Give me a lever and a place to stand," said Archimedes, "and I shall move the earth." It sounds like you wanna use your cock as a lever and move this woman into the dating scene. But unlike the earth (which can be moved, provided Archimedes could find a place to stand), you can't actually force this woman to get off your dick and onto Tinder. Actually, you can get her off your dick—and perhaps you should. Your presence in her life and bed may be preventing her from getting out there and dating. Again, I can only speculate. You can ask. But if what you're doing (fucking her) isn't having the desired effect (getting her to date others), KINKS, you may want to try something else (stop fucking her).
5. You don't know that you're making progress but you don't know that you're not making progress either. You don't say exactly how long you've been fucking your friend ("I'm a single straight guy who recently started sleeping with a longtime female friend"), but you should decide how much longer you're prepared to go on fucking her. Maybe she'll surprise you by creating that Tinder profile before the clock/cock runs out.