This week: Germany legalizes gay marriage, the resistance is in Buzz Aldrin's eyes, and a heartbreaking story of a gay Iraqi refugee. From Savage Love letter-writers: Her GF had great sex with an AirBnB host and still talks with him online and might hang out with him again; Her husband's into teen porn, teens they know, and possibly her daughter too; Is there a term for consensual exhibitionism? Also: last week's column, last week's podcast.
Responses, thoughts, Oxford commas, and a plea from a straight dude about pegging—all after the jump...
Regarding episode 558 of the Lovecast:
I wanted to write in briefly with another option for the young gay widower. There is an organization called the dinner party that is meant as a resource for young people who have experienced loss. While there may not be other gays in the group (or even others who have lost partners) in the local group, losing someone at a young age is a profoundly different experience than a loss later in life, and this group might at least give this person others to speak with in a similar situation, even if it doesn't get him a date.
More on Episode 558:
I was listening to episode 558 and heard something you quoted that made me laugh. You were quoting a number that some douchbag was putting out there that gay men use more drugs and are more likely to commit suicide than straight guys or something like that. What an undergraduate degree in statistics and as a current teacher in statistics has taught me, is to always look at the math. First, we know that the gay population is approximately 5% of the population and therefore the straight community makes up 95% of the population. If these numbers they are coming up with are just simple math and using a mean or an average that is insane, unless they are correcting for the enormous discrepancy in sample size. The link bait numbers sound impressive and the media love just quoting these numbers, but no one looks at how the numbers came about. I’m just curious; did these numbers you quoted come from some academic paper I can see with my own eyes?
I also wanted to thank you for putting me onto the book, Everybody Lies. I got the audiobook and have been listening to it in my car while commuting to work and it is fascinating. I didn’t know about Google Trends and my kids and I are having a blast with it. We are soccer fans, so we’ll do things like look up which player of two gets the most traffic and when, then when we see a spike in hits for their name; we are researching what happened around that time. I guess it is the equivalent of the family playing a board game, but my kids have no clue they are actually learning valuable research skill. Anyway, thanks for all you do Dan, I can’t say most of your show applies to me, but enough does and the rest is fascinating.
I wanted to follow up on your opener for episode 558. While I appreciate that you acknowledged that most gays for Trump are white, gay, cis men, I think you missed the mark a bit in your rationale of why these assholes support Trump. If it really was that they are just self-loathing and want to destroy themselves and take others down with them, we would see LGBT Trump supporters of all gender and sexual identities and race. Just like we see drug addicted or alcoholic or suicidal LGBT people of all races. I think you forgot to mention that gay white cis men stand on a ground of privilege that allows them to self denigrate a bit, but remain above any real harm the Trump administration might inflict. You also left out that some of these assholes are just assholes, whose selfish economic interests and privilege allow them to stand contrary to the rest of the LGBT community. ( In the same way that the HRC left trans folx behind for so long in order to further the marriage equality issue.) Or that these trump assholes are racists. Because just because you're gay, doesn't mean you're not a racist, xenophobic, America-first piece of shit. You got close to the mark, but I wish you had unpacked it a little more.
On my use of Oxford commas:
Great work weighing-in on the Oxford comma.
"He likes it when you’re a slut, but I bet he also likes it when you ___, ___, or ___. (I don’t know your sex life. Fill in the blanks.) Are you focusing too much on one of the things he’s into (you fucking other people) and not enough on all the other things he’s into (things like ___, ___, and ___)?"
Thanks for your many years of advice.
Finally, on pegging:
I have to object to the rather flippant answer you gave to a woman who wondered if she should take matters into her own hands regarding her boyfriend's expressed interest in being pegged. I'm not the type to get worked up by answers from advice columnists and would normally not give this a second thought but for the fact that I recall a similar question that appeared some time ago in which a woman was wondering what to do after she pegged her partner at his request and then he never asked again. Your answer to her, which I do not recall, was equally unhelpful.
I will not get into the question of why you choose not to offer the same thoughtful advice on this particular topic that you typically offer on all others. But, what I think these women need to understand—and I speak from personal experience as a man who has sought the experience—is that when a man wants to get pegged, he is interested in more than feeling the sensation of something in his ass. It is obvious, I'm sure, but the peg-curious male is largely, perhaps primarily, interested in the prospect of role-reversal and the experience of submission. As such, once the guy has expressed interest, which may be an accomplishment in itself, he does not want to have to keep asking. What he really wants is for his woman to strap it on, push him onto the bed, or against the wall, and give him what he deserves. He wants to relinquish control, not worry about his performance, and just take it like a bitch.
So, anyhoo, regarding this most recent query, your answer should have encouraged your reader to go out and buy the equipment and surprise her boyfriend with it. The more confident and 'in-character' her performance, the better. Just my two cents.
I hear you, but I'm against surprising people with assfuckings—straight or gay, flesh-and-blood cocks or strapped-on dildos. And dominant or submissive, wanna-take-it-like-a-bitch or wanna-take-someone-like-a-bitch, we all have to use our words and ask for what we want—and we may have to ask more than once.