I'm a 24-year-old woman and I've been with my boyfriend for almost seven years, he is 25. Since we started dating, things have been great. Our connection is great, we have fun, we are able to pleasure each other and are very open with each other. However, our sex is very infrequent (2-3 times monthly).

We've been through a somewhat long distance phase, as I went off to school an hour away, going several days without seeing each other when I started working as a nurse, and we've been living together for just over a year. I thought living together would fix our scant sex life but it hasn't. I feel like it was almost easier when I lived alone because I could pleasure myself but I can't do that anymore because he's always home when I'm home.

I am someone who needs intimacy often, I've spoken to him about this several times and gotten very emotional. I feel that if I don't make the first move he won't unless he really wants it, which could be over two weeks. And when I make the first move he says he too tired, sick, his head hurts, stomach, etc. Etc. ETC. I know if he says he's tired once, I've got like a 50% chance of getting him in the mood, and if he says it twice or more there's no point in trying.

It's gotten to the point where I've stopped trying as much because I'm essentially tired of rejection and go to bed upset.

He knows that I'm upset but then says it's not exactly a turn on when I'm upset so he doesn't want to have sex at all. And I've never had an issue with him pleasuring himself as I'm working often but when I'm home all I want to do is jump his bones and when he's uninterested it makes me upset thinking he'd rather pleasure himself than have sex with me.

I don't know what else to do. I feel like in order to change him I need to change myself but I'm so tired of being rejected and having this talk over and over again. I don't know what else I could do to fix it and stop getting upset because it doesn't help either of us. Many of our friends are getting married and I think we are perfect for each other in many ways however I don't think I can marry someone who can't satisfy me sexually.

The Orgasms Unfortunately Can't Happen

Why can't you masturbate when he's home, TOUCH? Aren't there doors you can shut? Tubs where you can abuse the handheld shower-head-thingy? Sofas in the living room where you can lay back, bust out a vibrator, and go to town? And would it be so bad if your neglectful/tired/headachy/sickly boyfriend realized you were rubbing/spritzing/buzzing one out?

No, it would not be so bad. In fact, it might help. So on the off chance your boyfriend is dense, TOUCH, make sure he knows you're masturbating while he's home by using your words (or mine): "I'm horny, babe. So I'm gonna have a wank—no pressure, but if you want to join me, I'll be behind that door/in the tub/right here on the sofa next to you. Lend a hand or masturbate with me, if you feel like it. If not, I'll take care of myself."

So, yeah, my first suggestion is to masturbate as much as you like, TOUCH. Do it now—even if your boyfriend is home. Especially if your boyfriend is home. After all, he does it. And you're even okay with him doing it. (Although he should be holding off, since you've expressed a desire to fuck more and masturbating typically depletes a guy's libido. Sex and masturbation are different things, of course, and we meet different needs with them. But it's inconsiderate to masturbate flagrantly/exclusively while your partner is feeling frustrated and neglected.)

I try to give my letter-writers the benefit of the doubt—even grave doubts—so I want to believe you, TOUCH, when you say this guy is perfect. I don't want to tell you to DTMFA because it's too easy to tell people to DTMFA and orders to DTMFA should be reserved for people who absolutely need to DTMFA. But... there are some red flags here:

• "I feel like it was easier when I lived alone."
• "I"m essentially tired of rejection."
• "He'd rather pleasure himself than have sex with me."
• "I feel like in order to change him I need to change myself."

Is this "perfect" guy stuck in a rut? Will you two catch a groove? Or is this shit doomed? If it's doomed—and mismatched libidos isn't a problem that talking seems to solve—you might wanna end it. You've been together since you were teenagers; maybe it's time to get out there and date/fuck/masturbate with other people? But if you stay, TOUCH, you gotta start touching yourself. Masturbate. Openly. In your house. In front of your boyfriend. Maybe he'll be up for lending you a hand—tiding you over until the next time he's up for it—or maybe he'll be inspired to upgrade the experience to sex. Either way, the orgasms (your orgasms) will be happening. Good luck.

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