Yeah. I'm guessing LOQ thinks (or knows) her boyfriend wants a threesome and she's nervous, scared, and maybe a little aroused but feeling weird about it (I'm also guessing LOQ is female based on the line "I would not enjoy my man fucking another woman in front of me.")

Maybe she and her boyfriend can do some fantasy dirty-talk about threesomes the next few times they're fucking and see where her thoughts/emotions go with it?

She wants to. But can't let herself*.

Closet cases get upset when "immoral" people enjoy what the CCs deny themselves.

*Yet.

"a hallelujah puss"

Bad Dan! Bad!

I think question #6 summed it up very well;

Is it just pent up aggression I have towards the mentioning of threesomes in general?

If you are a jealous type who doesn't want to share your partner; is there anything wrong with this? It's likely self esteem issues because the goal is to be strong enough so it doesn't matter if they want to be with you. But there is a tipping point in that statement; you don't want your partner to think you can live without them. Good friendships build great relationships and yeah you build in lots of things into your life that your other half helps with.

Lastly if I had assumed I was in a healthy relationship; just met this friend of my other half and found out about this 3some desire... it would be like a knife because bringing it up once or twice; shrug it off. But when your other half bugs you about it constantly

meh makes you want to kick their ass out of the bed

So her boyfriend made a point of telling her about his friend's sex life and somehow the topic of threesomes came up? That sounds an awful lot to me like the boyfriend is maybe floating an initial feeler for whether she'd be up for one someday. "Hey, this is a weird thing, right? I mean, eww! Well... unless you want to. I mean, I guess we could try. If you want. So threesome, yeah?"

@4 "you don't want your partner to think you can live without them"

That just made me gag a little. I absolutely want my partner to know that I *can* live without them, but that I very much *want* to live with them. Neediness doesn't build good relationships, it builds horrid ones that everyone's miserable in but afraid to leave.

Some people are jealous. Some people aren't. Threesomes can be fun for those who aren't and maddening for those who are. Stop assuming everybody thinks like you and find somebody who meshes well with your belief system.

@7: +1 on jealousy. If she's insecure, a threesome isn't good for her, kind to her BF, nor fair to the third.

And yet, something about threesomes fascinates her so much that it's in her bed-time fantasies and she feels compelled to write Dan about them.

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

She's thinking about it so much because she's...you know... THINKING about it.

Flummoxed And Questioning = LOQ?

Slartibartfast

How do get " So her boyfriend made a point of telling her about his friend's sex life and somehow the topic of threesomes came up?" from "They mentioned that both of them are having sexual relations with their neighbor, a woman, who also has a child."

Change is not necessarily a good thing as in new and improved whatever, which is generally a form of deceptive advertising that is usually neither. FAQ has a good/great thing going and is (justifiably) concerned with /hostile towards something she perceives as a threat to that. Adding a third (be it having a child or adding an adult to the mix) will change the dynamic of her current relationship.

LW, you say first it was the couple who told you of their arrangement with the neighbour, then you say you are cross with your bf for telling you. Which is it?
You have fantasies of threesomes while you're having sex with your bf, he not hot enough for you. Oh yes, all day ass licking, I read that. Has your bf mentioned that he is interested in having a threesome? Or is this you getting off on the neighbourly setup, and as David @8 points out, the power of this experience fascinates you, otherwise, you wouldn't be thinking about it or writing a letter to Dan. You now have to look into how far you want to go with this. Jealousy is a bitch, I agree. So you could have your first threesome with others, not your bf. And he could do the same. Then go from there.
You could decide your fantasies are enough, for now. Do you tell your bf of these fantasies?
There's risk whatever experiences a couple goes thru, only you and he can decide if you want to break the monogamous circuit. Talk to your bf about it, he needs to know about your sexual life and ponderings. Work it out together.

Skeptic @10: Yes, I wonder who changed the signoff in post and didn't tell Dan.

FAQ, I'm glad you asked Question 5. There shouldn't be any reason, if you haven't had a past threesome go wrong and ruin a relationship, why their mention makes you fly into an irrational rage. You might want to explore that in therapy, along with your self-admitted jealousy issues.

The couple in question may not be using the neighbour "to repair their relationship." Or perhaps they are -- if she cheated, perhaps that revealed her desire for a non-monogamous relationship, the solution to which issue was to have an openly non-monogamous relationship, which it appears they are now doing. Is FAQ's objection to the fact that the parties involved have children?

I disagree with Dan on one count: FAQ should never, ever, attempt a threesome if the thought of them makes her want to commit assault.

Here's another example of a threesome that did more harm than good (apologies for linking to a shitty tabloid):
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/4118415/ge…

Misanthrope @7: Wins the thread.

Skeptic @12: FAQ is not "justifiably concerned" because three completely different people are having a multi-way relationship. In no way is that a threat to her own relationship.

Lava @13: Good point. Either there is some sloppy editing going on or the "they" in "They mentioned that both of them are having sexual relations with their neighbor, a woman, who also has a child" does not refer to the couple themselves, as implied. Either way, though, I disagree with Slartibartfast @5 that, if the boyfriend mentioned it, it was in order to drop a hint. Three-way relationships are pretty juicy gossip in most social groups. It would be hard to be privy to that sort of information and not share it with one's significant other.

BDF @ 15 - Although in this case, once enough time has passed, the three people involved will have an incredible anecdote to share at parties (provided FAQ - or anyone else with the same mindset - is not there to spoil the fun).

..."why would him telling me about his best friend's sex life piss me off to the point of no return?..."
Why indeed? Are you in the habit of getting all bent out of shape about what other people are doing? Just like our Senatorial friends who get soooo upset about "the gays" and then go suck a stranger's cock in an airport bathroom this sounds like misplaced jealousy, not about "my man fucking another woman in front of me" but because you "don't have the balls" to do it yourself. You answered your own question. Stop fooling yourself and own up to your own desires.

BDF @15 This seems to be the original German source: http://www.general-anzeiger-bonn.de/regi…
There is no mention of falling "while having an orgasm", the Sun probably made that up.

BDF @ 16 Not the friend's threesome, but the concept of having a threesome. " I get we are all entitled to our own opinions, so bottom line" "Also why would him telling me about his best friend's sex life piss me off to the point of no return? It's not like it has anything to do with our relationship." Maybe her bf doesn't believe their sex life is too incredible, in which case there is definitely a failure to communicate.

I was used as a tool to repair a couple of relationships. I ended up with lifelong friendships in both cases. Even if I hadn't, so what. Either way I got great sex and I get to move on with my own life.

I've been having threesomes since I was in my teens and there's never been any issues.. Is it because there's no women involved?

Skeptic @20: I still don't think it's "justifiable" to feel threatened by the concept of something others do but one does not want to do. I have no desire to go skydiving. I don't get upset by someone else talking about skydiving. I make the decision not to go skydiving because it's not for me. She can make the decision to not have a threesome because it's not for her. It's not as if this is something that can accidentally happen to an innocent bystander. She's right to question why this upsets her so much, and I think it's a question she should explore with a therapist.

@ 22 - "Is it because there's no women involved?"

Probably not. I've had a few threesomes that didn't go too well (although thankfully it resulted in nothing worse than some awkwardness), and I swear there were no women involved.

I have seen men use threesomes to mend their relationship, make their partner feel inadequate, find a new love interest, intentionally start a quarrel, use as a bargaining chip against their partner later on, etc. This is most definitely not the exclusive domain of women.

Fortunately, a lot of people only want to have a threesome because they're fun.

@24. Ricardo. I have seen all the setups you describe in your second paragraph, and more besides, in gay life--especially ones where couples didn't know what they were getting into; when one partner thought it would be throwaway fun and it turned out to open a whole can of worms. I'm too insecure for threesomes; if my partner wants one, let him find two others--and I'm off to the feminist seminar or sweat lodge or wherever. I'm happy for my partner to be part of a group I'm involved in.

Why is FAQ so preoccupied with something she feels repugnance for (stronger than a lack of interest in)? To me, there are two possible interpretations: she wants a threesome, but the thought is impermissible and she's still exploring it; or her bf wants a threesome, and she's finding it very hard to process. Of these, the second, slartibartfast's suggestion, is more likely to me. But this does not mean he loves or cares for her less than she thought. Or that he loves her less than he did. He just likes the idea of a threesome, and maybe always did. Does she?

"I always believed threesomes were for people who were not in committed relationships. I have always assumed they were for those looking for experimental kicks."

A) I have a hard time believing someone who's been reading Dan's column weekly for 8 years would be so naive regarding threesome participants. Unicorns (and conversely, couples searching for them) are mentioned on, at the very least, an every-other-weekly basis.

B) Why are committed relationships and experimentation mutually exclusive in the LW's mind? Sounds like a boring outlook on sexual spelunking.

Too much of this just doesn't add up.

So what was the previous signoff? There has to be something more interesting than "Lots Of Questions", which is all I've got, what's your best?

BDF @ 23 Normally skydiving does not negatively affect a relationship unless someone is obsessive about it and It becomes a make or break issue. Particularly if the other person is afraid of heights or has a fear of falling. However, that is also true whenever someone is a fan (fanatic) about something (sports and/or a particular team being the most common example) and the other person either doesn't care or worse is diametrically opposed (as two people, one person being a rabid NY Yankees fan and the other being a rabid Boston Red Sox fan or a liberal democrat marrying a conservative republican, James Carville and Mary Matalin). A better example would be anal sex. It may be that her bf is pushing for a FMF 3 some (I wonder what her attitude would be to a MFM 3 some (her jealousy wouldn't be an issue) but I wonder how the bf would react) Just an idle thought, next time the bf raises the issue,(assuming he does (evidently annoyingly), she should respond that she would consider a MFM 3 some.

Justifiable concern with respect to how it would (is) affecting (great from her perspective) relationship. Haven't you done something that seemed like a good/great idea at the time, but that you immediately regretted having done (usually the next morning after you've sobered up) or that forever changed a relationship (and not in a good way). There are things that are best left as fantasies (KISSING some one you have a crush on and belng really disappointed)

Skeptic @28: Except that nobody is suggesting that she and her boyfriend have a threesome. Nobody! That's what makes her reaction so irrational. Her friends' relationship affects hers in no way whatsoever. Would she, a presumably straight woman, react violently if she were to meet a lesbian? Would meeting a lesbian imply that she needs to try gay sex? Or would meeting a Dominant/submissive couple imply that she needs to tie her boyfriend up and whip him? Of course not, so why does this situation imply that she should have a threesome? The answer is that it doesn't, so concern is not a "justifiable" reaction.

If she had said in her letter, "My boyfriend told me that this couple who are friends of ours are seeing a woman, and suggested that we try it too," we'd have a different letter. But she never said anything of the kind.

Yes, a better example would be anal sex. If I don't want to have anal sex, and no one is asking me to have anal sex, why should the thought of anal sex send me into a rage?

Re: question 5, I was going to say it's because you're an imperious asshole, but the letter reads like you were stroking yourself while writing it, so I think it's jealousy over the fact that other people (if they exist, because you change who told you the story halfway through) are doing what you want.

BDF @ 29 I was probably reading too much into "Also why would him telling me about his best friend's sex life (hint, hint, wink, wink) piss me off to the point of no return? It's not like it has anything to do with our relationship" given that she is discussing her aversion to a 3 some. I took it to mean that her bf was talking about it repeatedly. If it was just once then she really, really needs to see a therapist. Her response to bf should be that really she doesn't care/want to hear about his bf's sex life.

Skeptic @31: Yes, there were no hints or winks there as far as I could see. I don't know why so many commenters read a letter and assume the letter writer means the opposite of what they say. Even the writer herself acknowledges that a one-time mention of somebody else's triad shouldn't affect her the way it did. If she meant "my boyfriend is bugging me for a threesome," why on earth wouldn't she have come out and said "my boyfriend is bugging me for a threesome"? Why hide the real issue? If you want good advice, you have to state the facts, and the facts as she's stated them are that she is perplexed by her reaction to events that have nothing to do with her.

FAQ also knew that Gal had cheated on Guy. Do you think that BF told FAQ that Gal cheated on Guy in order to drop a hint that she cheat on him? I doubt that; I reckon it was just sharing gossip. No hints or winks then, no hints or winks now.

She says she's been reading your advice for 8 years? I'd say skimming it... quickly... with the lights off.