You can also tell the morons that no one cares about their ignorant opinions.

Showing support without the need to disclose any details: “I love my amazing wife. Your judgmental attitude is irrelevant.”

I'm going to second Dan. Take your cues from your wife. I understand that you want to defend her honour, but what you need to do is listen to her, do as she wishes, and lend your support to worthy causes.

Have you ever just shook your head and given someone a pitying look and just told them "you sound so fucking dumb right now", and carried on about your business ? Won't change anyone's mind, but does catch them off guard which is a bit satisfying.

@4 yes I'd be tempted to say something like "you suck at insults" but completely unperturbed.

Dan is absolutely right to say that the most important thing when deciding how to intervene when anyone is getting harassed, especially strangers or close loved ones, is to take your cues from the actual victim.

As for the idea that there is nothing wrong with whatever, if that is truly the case, we shouldn't care that a collection of strangers, much less some random asshole, might think that we're part of that; if it bothers you, work on that, in yourself and the world around you.

Still and all, I remain a big fan of raising my voice so new bystanders can hear, "For fucks' sake, she said you couldn't suck her dick!"

Thirded or whatever: do what your wife prefers you to. And then be proactive against bigotry at another time, when your wife doesn't have to be involved if she doesn't want to.

Agree with all the advice given above, plus this: as long as you keep showing and telling this woman how amazing she is -- before, during, and after any ugly encounters -- you won't have to step up in public to defend her against jerks. She can manage just fine, especially if her self-confidence is being constantly reinforced by the person who matters most to her. That kind of inner psychological armor is way stronger than Kevlar. If you feel the need to do something, a disgusted sneer with your choice of dismissive gestures (but no words, please) may help you feel better, without creating unwanted drama or confrontation for your spouse.

What Martin Luther King Jr did, and Moises Velasquez-Manoff says:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/17/opini…

The best reason for not engaging with these people is something that you write, "the rage I feel is almost uncontrollable." While you may not mean that quite literally, it's easy for your anger to get the best of you, and for you to make bad decisions about how to interact with these people.

By way of example, recently, nine men were arrested in Greece and charged with killing a man with whom they had a minor argument, which escalated. The victim was kicked and punched by his assailants, who were intoxicated, and his friends were unable to help him until the attack was broken up. Whatever the genesis of the argument, it was not worth the victim's life to have engaged with his attackers.

It's easy to feel like you're supposed stand up for the person you love, or to take a stand against vocal bigots, but the kind of people who are willing to aggressively harass someone because of their physical appearance cannot be trusted to behave nonviolently. Here, as in other times, the right thing to do is simply walk away, and to confront bigotry in other ways.

A contemptuous snort goes a long way, I find. then you turn your back on them and don't take it any further.

@3: True, I imagine puffing up one's chest only makes her feel more horrified for herself and her love. It's not fair that you can't just send shitty bullies out into the cornfield, but I imagine a near panic attack over the idea that these people are and can be violent isn't making her feel more protected either.

@10: Yeah, Jesus. A perfect example of their mindset :/

“I worry that someday someone will try to harm my wife because of how she looks and that I won’t be there to help."

Jaysus! What is it with guys? At 6’2” NO jerk or jerks are going to hurt your wife! Guys that say shit about trans vs cis are just trying to get a rise out of you. IGNORE THEM. The only time in my life that I ever got beaten up was when I responded back to a jerk.

NOW he had to prove to his buddies that a woman wasn’t going to show him up! I went through months of my jaw wired shut and healing fractures. I put signs up through my home. “Pretend you’re deaf and keep walking toward a populated area..Just Keep Walking!”

Been a reader for years, but this is the first time I've ever commented. I get this question as well because I am tall and have a deep voice, kinda like Courtney Love. Read your audience. Sometimes they're just curious, and "I was born a woman, thanks" and go. Sometimes if you're feeling snide "Models are tall, dumbass" will do. Sometimes if I'm really just in a bad mood I'll say "I was born a woman, but I'll beat your ass like a man" does the trick. Giving birth to a child who looks just like me seems to have stopped the questions. However, I'm afraid to go to Target now because I might get beat up in the bathroom. So there's that.

I have a family member that this could very well describe. There was never any judgement as far as I can tell but until she got pregnant none of us were quite sure if she was trans or not.

I mean it didn't matter, none of our business but as the only openly gay member of his side of the family I was supposed to be the expert on if she was born with a vagina or not.

To hear and celebrate "The Punch" even more, see:

youtube [dot] com/playlist?list=PLEfz-zLLmkoo5pzSAV6w1a4a26cX9l97J

My situation is a bit different from LW's wife. I'm my case, I was in an abusive marriage and after I got out and started dating again, I met the man I've been with for a couple of years now. After I had opened up a bit about what my marriage had been like, my BF told me if he ever met my ex, he'd want to flatten him.

That felt really good, to be honest. And some part of me wouldn't mind seeing my ex punched in the face. But, in truth, the thought of that really happening, the thought of my sweet, sexy BF getting in any kind of trouble over my POS ex, distresses me terribly. The ex just isn't worth it. And I don't need to be saved. I saved myself. However, knowing this man I love so much has my back like that? That means the world.

So I'll echo what Dan and others have said. Follow your wife's lead and ignore the assholes. Don't burden her with having to worry about you in these situstions. Just knowing you're willing to fight for her but won't is enough. It's more than you realize.

i second mirea at 18. that's exactly what a girl wants from her sweetie, and it's enough.

This might be an opening to think about whether you have a "white knight" response anywhere else besides this situation. Since that's what this is, right?

Think about other times you feel righteous anger and check whether it's centered around what the person you're helping wants, or it's maybe driven by a desire to be a hero. Which, you know, there are worse motivations than that, but often the outcome is not helpful.

LW, what do you mean, dimish her? Being mis identified as transgender wouldn't dimish her in any way. Maybe check how trans accepting you and your wife really are.

As an under 5 ft tall busty blond who has had to negotiate the streets in major cities for over 40 years, I echo your wife: descalate, when possible, ignore and get the hell out of there at a brisk clip, without running.

I tried everything: angry words were just what some jerkoffs wanted to escalate into threatened violence.

If I was forced to answer someone trying to pick me up, however, ignoring them gave them the excuse to follow me shouting, in case I hadn't heard them.

You might tell your wife that "No thank you," in a neutral tone in answer to any question, worked, gave them nowhere to go.

And if the request was obscene, their friends would laugh at them, for my nonchalant tone.

And they had no excuse to escalate.

Another reason to not escalate, it could be a lifelong battle: Street harassment is an issue that your wife may be dealing with for, like, ever. Just for being a female, no matter her height.

At 67 the street harassment may have slowed for me, but much to my surprise, hasn't stopped.

I got this un-compliment just last month, "Nice tits for an old lady."

Try raucous laughter as a response or French kissing her (probably not a good idea). Concern for her safety. Have you considered a self defense course for her, mixed martial arts training or firearms training, a hand gun, and a concealed carry permit. Open carry is a constitutionally protected right, but going around carrying an assault rifle makes a lot of people nervous. Although people do tend to be respectful around someone who is openly carrying heat or is otherwise perceived to be dangerous (mirrored sunglasses, a dead pan expression, and an aggressive or menacing posture)

I think it's incumbent on all of us now to speak out against transphobic, homophobic neo-Nazi attitudes more than is comfortable. I have the kind of body that attracts reflexive vindictive derision (bulky but effeminate). I've found safe spaces. No one in my workplace, a big organisation, would hazard a remark. I'm not a flag-waving type, more a strategist and planner. But people like me need to get out more and contest bigotry in the contexts where we can change attitudes.

Good one S&C, just put the bloody guns on. No.
It's like with children, don't reinforce negative behaviours, ignore the comments and keep walking as if nothing has happened.

It would be very tempting to have your wife say something like, "You know, if I'd known you'd be interested in sucking my 8 inch dick, I would have left my husband home". However, I will have to agree with your wife and the others who advised you to not escalate the situation. Mark Twain said it best:"Never argue with an idiot. He'll only drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience!"

Agree with all who have said to take cues from Wife and ignore harassers.

Just thinking out loud here,-- Sometimes doing something harmless and weird is enough to make people back off. Could you look at them, get a faraway look in your eye, and start blessing them in Jesus's name. Then throw your arms to Heaven before falling to your knees as you continue to pray for these poor sinners who know not what they do.

That's more creative than my first thought which was to smile broadly, get out your camera, and start arranging a photoshoot-- with or without your wife in the picture. Stand a little closer to the left, smile ...

Whenever some says someth Ng rude or hurtful, and a response can be safely made without risk of violence I respond by saying "Why did you say that?" Or "How did you expect me to respond to that statement?"
It buys the asshole on the spot and forces a dialogue.
Granted PANTS and his wife probably can't do this with most of the hateful encounters they endure, but just maybe once every 1,000 or so they could hold a hater to account.

Lava @21: You win the thread! "You look like a trans woman" should not be an insult to a cis woman, because there is nothing negative about being trans.

Hard to believe this LW is only now getting his first taste of how horrible some men can be to cis and trans women alike. As everyone else has said, ignoring it is indeed the safest course of action.

I would like to know what behaviors and by whom LW finds most threatening and humiliating.
My main concern while en femme is the cis male population, the one dominating the violent attacks scene.
I hear there’s a recent surge in public restrooms harassments of women suspected to be too masculine to some, though haven’t witnessed it in person.

Can we all just agree the LW shouldn't escalate, and then hijack the thread to give our fantasy responses anyway, with l'esprit de l'escalier?

Here's mine: "More woman than *you* can handle!"

@24: It's really a tough line, it's essential to speak up in public, but it's difficult to separate your average bigot from someone looking for an excuse and unhinged enough to get violent.

Quincunx @31: Sure, why not? I'd be partial to just shouting back, "Suck my dick!"

If you absolutely must say something, I'd declare how beautiful you found your wife to be, affirming what she knows already about herself, and informing the idiots that what she is/isn't doesn't really matter anyway.

Yawn, just report the NeoNazi in the thread from his profile page.

When I was young I had homophobic slurs used against me with some level of frequency. It made me angry. Not because I cared about being perceived as gay, but because I just didn't appreciate harassment. So I grew up a bit, became comfortable with violence and now I play up my more effeminate traits as a means of baiting homophobes.

Now when homophobic slurs are used against me, which is rarely these days, my response is usually something to the effect of "and what if I am?".

That being said, if the harassment is being directed at someone else, definitely follow their cues and respect their wishes.

Answers that you can give when appropriate (meaning, if your physical safety is not at risk);

Wow. (With suitably appalled expression)
Why did you say that? (In a neutral tone)
That's a very weird thing to say to a total stranger.
That was uncalled for.
Yelling at strangers is weird and rude. Don't do that.
(Eye contact, disappointed expression, shaking head, distinctly turning your back on the asshole and walking away)

Notice that in all of these responses, you are addressing the MAN'S BEHAVIOR, not your wife's appearance. He is being weird, rude, and creepy and that would be true regardless of what your wife or any other woman had in her pants. And this is something you can do that will usually stop your garden variety catcalling asshole, because in general they will not respect women's answers in the way they will respect them from men.

Be mindful of your safety, though. If you have a feeling that someone is bad news, heed that warning and walk.