Last Friday, conspiracy theorist/mouth breather Alex Jones was ranting on the streets of Seattle when a local Sumatran decided to take matters into its own hands. Here's an exclusive interview with that coffee.
Ok, Coffee. What, in your own words, happened on the morning of Friday August 18?
I was walking to work with Mr. Jake Stratton, as usual, when we witnessed renowned scumbag Alex Jones verbally assaulting and chasing a hapless citizen. Mr. Statton tried to walk away, but I just had to get involved, and the next thing you know, I jumped out of my cup and was dripping down Alex Jones' greasy face. Not my best moment.
Do you have a personal vendetta against Alex Jones?
Not really, but I can tell from the stink of his clammy skin that he is an energy drink guy. Energy drinks are trash, therefore Alex Jones is trash.
How exactly would you describe your temperature that morning?
By the time I met Mr. Jones, I had been in Mr. Stratton's crappy thermos with the leaky lid for 40-50 minutes. I was lukewarm, at best.
What happened in the aftermath of throwing yourself on Alex Jones? Were you targeted online?
Mr. Stratton took the brunt of the online harassment, but I was more concerned with the huge number of offers Mr. Stratton was getting for free coffee. Not to come off all jealous or anything, but I take care of his coffee needs, dig me? Back off, newbies.
Some people are saying that you’re actually a shill for Alex Jones himself, a paid operative meant to rile up the good Trump voters watching Infowars at home. How do you respond to these allegations?
I am very offended. I am no shill, and would never take money from Alex Jones or allow Alex Jones to drink me. I think it is telling that even Mr. Jones' most ardent supporters think he's trying to manipulate them.
Do you have any plans for the future?
Gotta get to work.
Is there anything you’d like say for yourself?
Coffee isn't hateful, Coffee isn't violent, but Coffee is fucking angry and isn't gonna just sit there and let the motherfuckers grind us down.