Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Is it an open relationship or is it blackmail? Should they tell their third they're cousins? Should he stay in his marriage or go on (and on and on)?

Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On cousinfucking:

I think the advice not to disclose is pretty disgusting, personally. Dan admits that "we still live in world where cousin-fucking world is taboo." That means that a lot of people, rightly or wrongly, aren't interested in it. As in, if they knew, they would choose not to give their consent to having sex with two cousins simultaneously. Not disclosing something for the express purpose of having sex with someone who wouldn't consent to having sex with you otherwise is gross and strikes me as a little rape-y (to be clear, I'm not saying it's rape, I'm saying it's part of the same problematic culture—one person should not get to substitute his judgment for that of another man or women simply to make it easier to get himself laid).

As for the idea that no harm comes from it...would it be ok for someone who somehow knew they were biologically related to someone else to have sex with them without disclosing that they're actually their long long brother or uncle or dad or whatever? After all, no harm if you wrap it up, right?


Mr. Savage, I read your column pretty faithfully week in, week out. Enjoy your banter and commentary, and above all, some very sound advise. That's why I was beyond disturbed to read your brutal, irresponsible answer to NOBRO. Granted, you're not a Dr. but how you could not give heartfelt advise that clearly this man's brother is in clinical depression, as a large number of Law Students experience due to the intensity of their studies, and fluff it off with self indulgent witticisms is greatly disappointing and coming from a professional, enormously disturbing.

In response to a question about whether or not a sub can really be trained to "come on command," which came up in last week's podcast, I commanded subs who can do it to write in...

As commanded in Episode 566, I have to tell you that I have experienced a no contact orgasm on command by my current boyfriend, in a multi-day D/s scenario. I suppose it is possible that I was so far in sub space that I faked myself out, but I distinctly remember that whole body roller coaster feeling, and after a certain point the earth shook. In most cases, i would bet subs are just trying to make their tops happy, and most tops will never know. This is different than faking in other contexts. BDSM, at your have pointed out, is cops and robbers for grown ups. When the cop says "I shot you!" you say "oh no!" and fall to the ground. Also, I can't speak for all subs, but for me the pleasure of serving is beyond orgasmic-so I would happily trade real orgasms for fake ones if the domination is good enough. But that's not why I'm writing- I really have experienced orgasm on command with no simulation. This was after months of learning to come on command while being stimulated by this partner and hours of orgasms in strict bondage with progressively less stimulation. It was one of the best most elusive experiences I've ever had, and hope someday to get there again.

And on this week's Lovecast:

I am listening to Episode 567 and laughing to myself because I heard Dan say "Oddly this never happens in the reverse .. where people say the sex is so awesome I have stuck it out." I was/am one of those people! If the sex is great I will hope the emotional will come later. I ended a 3.5 year relationship two months ago and said to my ex "I stuck around too long for the sex." He agreed we had a great sex life. Now I discovered he was not being honest with me and soliciting sex via Craigslist. At the time a large part of me kept thinking "I stuck around for the great sex and he was doing this behind my back?!" It was the deception and 'second life' that led me to dump him but I also recognized the emotional connection never fully happened. Anyways, I was laughing to myself over being that person and wanted to send a message.

On kink orientations:

Thanks for identifying/using "kink orientation" in your last Savage Love. Despite orientation generally involving an attraction to a certain or not so certain gender, I've been maintaining for years that kinkiness is its own orientation. I'm simply not attracted to anyone of any gender unless kink will be involved. I'd never have a relationship without it. People look at me like I'm insane when they ask me if I'm gay or straight and I have to explain. One day I'd like to think people will get the concept.


Imagine if this guy was a woman writing about her selfish husband. "My husband only wants blowjobs, PIV is on his terms, and he will only finger bang me to get me off." I don't think anyone out there would be defending the husband. I'm certainly not.

And for RNSMN:

I'm a psychiatrist (and a fan) and was delighted to see you come to the defense of psych treatment in your response to Rather Not Say My Name. Sounds like she needs help, that was a good call. But I'm perplexed by your repeatedly specifying that you recommend "low-dose" medication. There are many effective dosing strategies, and every patient is different. You can't predict how high a dose of something RNSMN may need. Even if you could predict, it wouldn't be for you to say, it would be for her and her doctor to discuss. Cheers for your effort to destigmatize psychopharmacotherapy, but your choice of words came across as only conditionally and selectively supportive of our work. Thanks for all your great writing and thinking, and for reading this. I hope you'll give it some thought, it's important to me.

HUMP! 2017 Call for Submissions!

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!