My husband and I met two years ago. We both came from long term abusive relationships with children involved that were not biologically ours. After four months we were engaged and we've been married for five months. I love my husband, he is a kind, giving, caring man who always goes out of his way to thank me and let me know I am loved and appreciated and I try daily to do the same.
The problem is his ex: she dangles her child—who he raised and loved—in front of him but once he makes it clear his only interest is a relationship with his daughter, she explodes. It's a cycle. Every three to four months he gets a message from her about how his daughter misses him. He tries to connect and be civil, then BM (Baby Mama) starts calling and texting and even trying to video chat with him 3 am. Nothing about her daughter just, "I miss you... I love you... tell me you're unhappy with your new wife." Every time this happens he plays nice for a day or so. He wants to avoid the inevitable explosion and hopes against hope for a phone call—anything to talk with his little girl. Eventually she becomes aggressive and blatantly disrespectful to me and our marriage (she's sent nudes). Once we offered to buy his daughter all new clothes and school supplies just so he could talk to her on her birthday. We were told nothing about his daughter—but BM wanted a laptop. We declined to send cash or buy her a laptop. We were told to go fuck ourselves.
How can we stop this cycle? It breaks my heart to watch him try over and over to be a co-parent and get cut out. Not to mention this poor little girl is being used. Help.
Baby's Uncontrollable Momma
Your husband's stepdaughter's mother—who sounds like a monster—is always gonna that poor kid's mom, BUM. There's just no legal and/or ethical way to make her disappear. So you're going to be hearing from and about his shitty ex for as long as your husband wants a relationship with his stepdaughter. And having that woman in your life, even on the periphery, is always gonna suck.
But let's not lose sight of the the person for whom this situation sucks the most, BUM: your husband's step-daughter.
Thankfully, BUM, courts are increasingly willing to recognize the rights of non-biological, non-adoptive parents in custody and visitation disputes—enforcing the rights of "de-facto parents," as numerous judges have found, is in the best interests of children they've parented—so maybe instead of continuing to offer bribes to this awful woman in the hopes she'll suddenly do the right thing by her child (which hasn't worked yet), your husband could spend that money on a good lawyer. Child custody battles are draining emotionally and financially, of course, but talking to a lawyer is likelier to get results than
offering bribes to dealing directly with this woman. (And a lawyer is a lot less likely to send nudes at 3 am.) But remember: if your husband wants his rights as a parent recognized and enforced, BUM, those rights are going to come bundled with responsibilities, aka child support payments.
Your husband needs to stop playing games with this awful woman. If direct contact with his ex-whatever (wife? girlfriend?) doesn't get him what he says he wants—contact with his stepdaughter—and he is unwilling to take the steps that could get him what he says he wants... then you gotta wonder whether he wants what he says he wants.
And a bonus question...
I saw someone post on Tumblr about how, in light of Senator Cruz's social media issues this week, we should create a Cruz definition that's related to porn. The specific one I saw was when you are caught looking at porn you would call it being caught Cruz-ing. Seems a little clunky but I'm sure that you and/or my fellow readers of Savage Love can come up with something that sticks a little like Santorum.
Need Another Meme Engine
The problem with Cruzing would be a certain homonym that's been in wide use for decades. "Cruising" means "walking or driving about a locality in search of a sex partner, usually of the anonymous, casual, one-time variety," NAME. Anyone who said they got caught Cruz-ing or were Cruz-ed would immediately be asked to clarify which kind of Cruz-ing/cruising they meant. Did they get caught seeking anonymous sex partners in a public place? Or did they get caught looking at or liking porn? The end result: Cruz-ing is unlikely to be widely adopted.
But, hey, remember this slogan from
Lyin' Jackin' Ted's failed campaign for president...
I think using BUSTED, pronounced with the emphasis on TED, would be a much better way to memorialize Ted Cruz's porn scandal.
Last word to Jimmy Kimmel...