Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Is her sissy boy actually gay? How do you ask someone out? What should she do about her ex's very bad baby mama? What's the big deal about big dicks? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
The letter about the boy who fetishized bandages- Another element to this could be that he is reflecting on his previous life. Maybe he died from his wounds (in war?) or was overwhelmed doing triage or something. That's the age when kids start to catch glimmers of their past life experiences, often only subconsiously. The big events are more likely to be recalled- trauma, drama, emotion, violence, love, etc. Now it's exciting for him to be alive again, and his arousal around this is an expression of healthy life force returning, in a new body. He's doing some healing for his previous life's trauma, even if he's not aware of it. Once the healing is done, the bandage thing may pass, or continue as an occasional fun twist to his sex life. Maybe he'll grow up to be a surgeon. There are several interesting books on this subject. A fun place to start is this real journal of a boy from victorian times, reprinted anonymously. He may have also been a famous painter.
A reader tosses a question out to lawyers on nude pics:
According to Dan "...a lawyer is a lot less likely to send nudes at 3 am." I'm dubious. Hey, Savage Love-reading Lawyers, what say you?
On penis pumps:
I heard you talking about penis pumps and the damage they can do. I'm a kinky guy and I've watched a fair bit of femdom porn. I've seen dommes using a masturbating pump to get guys off—sometimes several times in a row. To be honest, it's not something I was especially interested in doing myself, but I did find myself wondering after your response (which I totally believe—this isn't by way of criticism), do those masturbating pumps have the same potential to do damage to a guy's cock?
Masturbation sleeves and cock-milking toys—like the Venus 2000—are not to be confused with penis pumps. The former creates enough suction/pressure for the machine to stroke the cock, the latter puts more pressure on the cock and essentially creates an all-over cock hickey. Milking machines are unlikely to damage tissue, penis pumps—if abused—could damage tissue.
On sissy boys:
I date crossdressers. It's been my experience that bisexuality goes along with crossdressing, particularly if the crossdresser is submissive. The CD is only interested in being with men when dressed as a woman. It's part of the whole idea of the turn-on of passing, with the CD men fantasizing about being "straight" women, not gay men. In a weird way it's a confirmation of the basic hetero orientation of the CD. I used to worry about my partners being gay gay, but it's not that at all. In fact a lot of the turn on for them is me "forcing" them to do it. If I wasn't in the picture it wouldn't be the same. For sure it's bisexuality, but a particular flavor.
Regarding big dicks and natural selection:
Um, this extremely overthought natural selection letter ignores the glaring fact: until extremely recently in humanity's history, women more often than not did not get to choose the man they married & made kids with. Even when they do, they most certainly did not get to sample lots of dicks to make that decision. Still that way in half the earth.
On the general concept of DTMFA'ing:
I DID IT! I FINALLY DID IT! I DTMFA!
I was with my partner for just over ten years, and it's been miserable for the last six or seven. Now I will spend time and money in therapy, unpacking my part in this, and examining why I didn't think I was worth DTMFA long before I did. But oh my GOD, I feel so much better! I still have a bunch to do, like actually move out, but I feel SO free. All of those miserable little moments of our daily grind together... gone.
Every time I'd read one of your "DTMFA" columns, it would occur to me that its circumstances were often nowhere near the depths of my relationship's. I just couldn't pull the trigger. Until I did. I wish I had done it seven years ago, but at least it's done now.
Onward and upward. Thanks for planting those five little letters in my subconscious. Better now than in ANOTHER ten years. Now onto therapy!
And I'm a huge fan of yours, Peggy, so we're even!