Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What should he do with the one who got away? How does a unicorn approach a couple in the wild? And what should she do with her ambiguous bi boyfriend? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
A confused reader fretting over FRET:
In context, being in a LDR with a bi guy with poly tendencies sounds very much like having a bi fuckbuddy. Also, at a psychic level, I don't understand, or find it hard to sympathize with, her being OK with his sleeping with men, but not with women. What's the difference? At both a psychic and an anatomical level, I find it hard to understand her not giving him anything he can't give her. What are the equivalences here? The disequivalences? She has no prostate? What else doesn't she have?
Would it be weird if a unicorn were to have a pin or detachable patch of a pretty rainbow unicorn somewhere on them? Like on a jacket or handbag? If someone were to ask about it and a) they were part of a hot couple, she could explain the significance ("it's a term for bisexual women who are open to being with couples") and see where the conversation goes, or b) if they were not a couple she were interested in, she could simply say something like "I just really like unicorns" or "I was obsessed with Lisa Frank as a kid." Or is that a monumentally stupid idea? Genuinely asking, since that was what I thought of when I read the letter.
...regardless, drawing a pretty rainbow unicorn sounds fun now. I might make such a drawing and put it in my Etsy shop in some form just for fun.
Paranoia over MESSY:
Something about MESSY's letter makes me think it was written by the husband. Not sure why except it pinged my bullshit meter a bit.
Yoga wisdom for MESSY:
Love the advice to MESSY. Nearly two decades studying/teaching yoga (including an escape from a manipulative marriage- not a bad person- in fact, now we get along and co-parent great- but not a good romantic partner), and the ancient ones teach that the only thing we ever need to fix, the only lack we need to account for, is the lack of awareness that we're already complete. Sounds like lots of clear messaging from the outside that the situation is not in-line with who MESSY is.
P.S. Every is messy. And amazing. Put your energy where you want to see growth.
On the Savage Lovecast and taking a knee:
I generally agree with you and cannot stand President Trump but you made a mistake on the opening rant about the NFL situation. The players have no constitutional right to take a knee without job consequences. The First Amendment just protects you against the government, not your private-sector employer.
You not only know that but agree and actually believe in people potentially losing their jobs for constitutionally protected speech — even outside of work hours. Weren't you supportive just weeks ago of Nazi demonstrators losing their jobs if their employers found out?
In the NFL case, I hope the players don't face punishments on the job and it is looking as if most/all teams actually will support their players or at least stay neutral. However, that is a matter of their choice / values, market forces, and so on. They are in no way restrained by the First Amendment and, as I say, you actually consider that a good thing in the general case.
Also on episode 570:
You gave good advice telling people to use their phones, if they can not resist the urge to view non-work info on their phones. However, there are a few things to add: If your phone is on the work WiFi the websites you visit will still be logged (and it is trivial to attribute it to a particular device) unless you use a VPN or turn off WiFi (and thus avoid the work network). I suggest using a personal VPN all the time. That way you can not forget and it adds additional security overall.
On the podcast and brainwashing:
I started to listen to your podcast because after 27 years in a bad relationship I am discovering joyfully my own kinkiness (spanking/roleplay/dom&sub/shibari) and wanted to educate myself. Well, I came for the sex tips and stayed for the philosophy and psychology: I appreciate your ethics, fairness and your no-nonsense advice. I felt brainwashed for most of my 27 year (6 engaged/21 married) relationship and it has taken me so far 4 years to recover. Listening to your podcast gave me a lot of encouragement and helped me finding a voice towards my narcissistic ex who undermined my self-confidence at every turn. I also feel that I can finally forgive myself for falling so deeply into his snares. So, thank you very much!