Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She's going to cheat on her husband, but what if she gets herpes? His cousin has really sexy feet, but should he rub massage them? Should he let his potential boyfriend mock his cock? And what would you do!? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.


Hello MISSCLEO! Just for context: I am now 36 and like your son very curious about sex as a young teen. I once stole some of my mom's underwear to wear alone in my room...it turned me on...still does! Once I stole a pair of her panty hoes and wore them in bed. I accidentally fell asleep in them and when my mom woke me up for school the next day I made some elaborate lie about how I found some pink colored socks in a box of old clothes, and I put them on that night cause I was cold. I am sure she knew I was lying but she let it roll and did not make a big deal of it...for which I was soooooooooo thankful.

So i agree with Dan...give him space and show him your love like moms do so well. And obviously, don't put up with stealing, but the reality may be he just did not want to purchase them cause he was too embarrassed to do so :(

If you want an alternative idea: Buy him a pair of girls underwear and a bra...and discreetly put them in a place he will find them...new with tags and all. Never speak a word about them. He could then have his fun alone without causing worry about where he got his stuff. Giving him a safe space to express himself, I think, is the best thing possible.

Oh and don't worry about this behavior causing your sons demise...I am living proof that you can live with an undefined gender/sexuality and do very well in life. I proclaim to be a very good person and by all mean of "western success," I exceed all measures.


You really missed the mark on your advice to FINGER. She's obviously really just not that into him and using a bit of shit under a fingernail as an excuse. Why can't she wear a glove? That's what I do - and actually a gloved finger in the rectum slides much easier and keeps it cleaner for both of us.

Regarding stubble:

This is a response for the girl on the Lovecast who can’t kiss her boyfriend due to the abrasive nature of his stubble. I’d advise her to wash her face with a warm towel and immediately after moisturize with an unscented moisturiser (I’ll list some examples below). What this does is help insulate the skins barrier against external aggressors—moisturized skin tends to be more resilient to abrasions. Even moisturizing without having just washed your face will help, but ideally that barrier effect is best gained when the pores are opened due to steam/warm water.

Examples of ideal moisturizers include: Cetaphil intensive moisturising cream; avene; uriage bariederm; la Roche posay toleriane. Basically any moisturizing cream that’s of a reasonably dense texture, designed for sensitive skin, without any major fragrances or active ingredients. Hope that helps!

Regarding how candy corn is great and I'm gonna slap the next basic bitch queer who says otherwise:

Hi, Dan! Loooove your column, looove your writing and although we've never met-feel you are one of my favorite people—next to my lovely husband who vicariously profits from your fabulous column!
So. Candy Corn. I'd never heard of it before I read your column: is this a thing? I was raised in Italy and Toronto, Canada and now live in Berlin, Germany. I'm an English teacher: should I order a bunch of this stuff (if it isn't indeed a metaphor for something else...) and share it with my advanced English class? Keep up the good work!

It's for real, it's awesome, and YES, YOU SHOULD!


It was very good of you to respond so quickly to my plea for advice about choking. Even though I was probably never going to honor any request to choke, my girlfriend may move on from me to someone willing to do that. If your thoughtful (both senses) response persuades her to give it up, you may have saved her life.


Please indulge me as I share a tiny recommendation which might yield big results for CHOKE, your readers, and maybe even yourself. I worked for several years as a counselor with court-mandated spouse abusers. One thing that was never allowed in group was use of the word "choke" when abusers were describing their actions. Allow me to explain why. First, the word "choke" minimizes the action of the perp, and is a subtle way of blaming the victim. Although common usage of that word includes restricting the airway (and thus you will find it described as so in most dictionaries), think about it for a moment. If a person chokes, it means that something is stuck inside their throat. Choking comes from within. Thus, it is a very subtle way for abusers to escape from thinking that they placed their hands around a woman's neck to intentionally stop their breathing. And, it also subtly blames the victim, because it makes the abuser less complicit in their behavior by being able to subtly infer that the victim had choked. The word "choke" also is a way of minimizing what they've done. For example, if newspapers in the 1960s carried headlines about a serial killer, and used the term "the Boston Choker" even you would find that it sounded a bit silly. In fact, it sounds kind of like a northeastern masturbation technique. This why we would insist that abusers who had done so, use the more correct term: "strangle."

If CHOKE needs help reframing what he is contemplating, he can immediately cease use of that word, and start saying he is thinking about STRANGLING his partner. This might help him more clearly see what he is considering. Words matter. You can also help, by stopping use of the word choking when this topic appears again, and saying it like it is: Strangling. CHOKE actually wants to become a strangler. See how powerful that statement is! An easy way to remember: A choker is a fashion accessory. A strangler is a felon.

More for CHOKE:

Just read your great answer to CHOKE, but IMO you need to re-think your recommendation about using gas masks. I work in a lab, and in order to get OKed for gas mask use, we need to be fit-tested (to make sure the mask fits well enough to protect) and have medical exam that looks specifically at whether using a gas mask is safe for us. Some people have breathing issues that make a gas mask dangerous. From my own experience, the real gas masks, with filter cartridges etc as opposed to dust masks, do alter the passage of air and effect breathing somewhat even when there is no vigorous activity.

I'd like to withdraw my to response CHOKE and instead just advise everyone to never leave the house.


Although her sign-off was HERPES, she asked about STIs in general. If unprotected oral is involved (and it almost always is), the clap, chlamydia, and syphilis can still be transmitted pretty easily. Although fairly easily treated, they are obviously not as easy to explain away as a dormant viral infection. If possible she should just ask loverboy to get tested beforehand, not that it's a guarantee if the fling goes on for a prolonged period, but still.


I agree with your overall advice that HISBUM needs to get over the underwear (un)laundering scheme, but there was one point I think you missed. She said when she sees the underwear, all she can think about is the undies guy, when she should be seeing her hot bf. It seems totally reasonable for her to let her bf know that the underwear is a turnoff, and as long as he's in them, there will be no sexy times. He can wear undies guy's undies on his own time, but he can't demand they be part of HISBUM's sex life.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2017 are on sale now! Get them here!