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News & ArtsTuesday, July 28, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letters of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 28, 2009 at 3:30 PM
I am a twenty-one year old straight male with a fantastic girlfriend. We have been dating for almost a year-and-a-half now, and she has been my best friend for about two years. She is only my second relationship, the other being a surprisingly serious high school affair that ended badly once we both went our separate ways for college. I have only had sex with these two girls, which is probably the basis for my problem. Call me shallow or an asshole, but before I settle down with someone I want to have sex with other women without the complications of a relationship. I am an honest and open guy who isn't afraid to just be frank about my sexual attraction and hope to find some women who are as frankly horny as I am. I could see myself going to swinger parties, (single or with a partner), and can definitely picture myself in a healthy open relationship that you promote.Unfortunately, my girl is plenty satisfied having just me in the bedroom and is too jealous of me to think an open relationship will work. We have discussed it, and she doesn't think a loving relationship should require outside partners. I respect her position but I also completely disagree.
Should I end the relationship as civilly I can and hope our friendship will survive or at least reappear at a later time? Should I be satisfied with the great friendship and satisfactory sex that we have together? I will never cheat, but every day I understand more and more why so many marriages are destroyed due to sexual infidelity.
Horny for Other Girls
You and this girl are sexually incompatible: you "completely disagree" about an issue that you need to be in agreement on in order to have a healthy and successful LTR. You're far too young to compromise or settle. End it.
Hi, I am a new (and now addicted) reader of your column and blog. I am a 23-year old bi-female, with a greater attraction to women than men. I am currently dating a very straight, monogamous man, and I am having trouble staying attracted to him. We have been together on and off for two years and have now moved in together to give it a serious shot (I moved across the world to be with him). I love my boyfriend very much—he's a great guy, strong, supportive, and loves me despite all my "scars and baggage", but I find that I really miss being with a woman, so much so that recently, I can barely get turned on at the thought of sex with him. He is vehemently against open relationships, but I feel like I'm being suffocated...some of my friends have suggested I have a clandestine affair to get "the urge out of me." I feel terrible lying to him, but I fear that my malaise will be our relationship's downfall.Do you have any advice?
Tight Spot
You and this guy are sexually incompatible: you're not cut out for monogamy and he is "vehemently against" the only relationship model that will make it possible for you to commit emotionally, if not sexually, to one other person. You're far too young to compromise or settle. End it.
I am a 22-year-old het dude and I have always been into bondage and have a great deal of bondage porn. Since I like to be the one tied up most of my porn is gay bondage porn because gay guys make the best bondage porn featuring guys in bondage. Straight bondage porn is usually pretty leotarded. (Except for the "Men In Pain" stuff at Kink.com, which is awesome!) I have my first serious college girlfriend. We have been dating for a year. I love her a lot and we've talked about marriage but she is absolutely not into bondage at all. She told me that being with her meant going without bondage for life, since she is not interested in it and we are monogamous. She even used a phrase of yours: my giving up bondage—she even wants me to throw away the porn and stop fantasizing about it—is the "price of admission" if I will have to pay if I want to be with her. I do want to be with her. I love her. But I don't think it's possible for me to stop even fantasizing about bondage. What the fuck do I do?Romantic Bond Vs. Erotic Bondage
You and this girl are sexually incompatible: the price of admission she's demanding is unreasonable and unrealistic and it's not one you can or should be expected to pay (and you can tell her I said so—and tell her that anyone tossing around "price of admission" should be familiar with "GGG"). You're far too young to compromise or settle. End it.
3
These kids are all in their early twenties. Dan, what age would they have to be for your answer to be "well, you are old enough that maybe ending it would be dumb since everything else is so good. try to work this out by doing..." (that's where you give some other advice). What is too old to give up on relationships in the described situations?
4
Nope, you hit each nail on the head. These couples are oil and vinegar.
It's too bad that the girl in the last letter couldn't even give it a try, if she did and I didn't get that from the letter. I guess her bondage is all internal.
It's too bad that the girl in the last letter couldn't even give it a try, if she did and I didn't get that from the letter. I guess her bondage is all internal.
6
@3 you are never "too old" these KIDS were never sexually compatible and were willing to overlook a fairly significant relationship incompatibly (likely because of hormones) in order to be in a relationship. People tend to overlook things at the beginning of relationships just to be with that person, once you get past the "honeymoon" phase and see what you're really dealing with it's time to make grown up decisions rather than just be miserable for the rest of your life. And for what? A nice person? That's supportive and what not? You can have a nice supportive person that is also into the same kinks that you are in the bedroom.
8
I agree with your advice, but I agree with #3 also. Is there a reason to put happiness and fulfillment aside when you're older?
I might be contradicting myself here, but sometimes, when it comes to now-or-never relationship decisions, being in your early 20's in a small community can be analogous to what you'd experience in your late 30's in the city. It's all relative.
I might be contradicting myself here, but sometimes, when it comes to now-or-never relationship decisions, being in your early 20's in a small community can be analogous to what you'd experience in your late 30's in the city. It's all relative.
9
Life is complicated. Attraction is never tied up in a neat package. Sometimes, we do compromise one area of a relationship for another; in fact, absent that, we'd never have relationships. Sexual compatibility is likely always complex, especially between opposite-sex couples, as we are wired differently.
These are tough issues and boiling them down to simple rules of "move on" is an easy and logical answer to give, but doesn't really fit the world we all live in.
These are tough issues and boiling them down to simple rules of "move on" is an easy and logical answer to give, but doesn't really fit the world we all live in.
10
@9 things are only as complicated as you make them. Had these kids just bit the bullet in the beginning, when initially realizing the sexual incompatibility, things would not have gotten so "complicated".
Problem is when you are young you are more likely to compromise major relationship issues, like sex which is a major issue, just to be with someone.
I can understand where you are coming from, but really, sometimes the best thing to do is not the easiest, but that doesn't make it any less the better choice.
Besides it sort of seems these kids were looking to be told it was okay to leave their relationships because of the sex.
Problem is when you are young you are more likely to compromise major relationship issues, like sex which is a major issue, just to be with someone.
I can understand where you are coming from, but really, sometimes the best thing to do is not the easiest, but that doesn't make it any less the better choice.
Besides it sort of seems these kids were looking to be told it was okay to leave their relationships because of the sex.
11
I think Dan's stance would be, not that people are required to "settle" for sexual incompatibilities later in life, but rather that older couples often have conflating factors in their lives that make it harder to split up. If they're married, if they have kids, or both, or if they're financially interdependent, then they may want to try to work something out rather than split, even if they end up being total sexual opposites. These kids, on the other hand, have nothing to tie them down and should get out while the getting's good.
13
Oh...we the old, we have the answers now? Hardly. Age gives us no answers to these most vexing of questions.
14
Yay for following your heart, and not settling! There's lots of love out there, and its not a zero-sum game where you can only get love from one person.
Might be worth pointing folks to Easton & Liszt's The Ethical Slut, and Wendy-o-Matik's book Redefining Our Relationships. Possibly not the freshest books out there (Paul? You know of any current ones?) But they are solid and useful reading on how to be polyamorous in an honest, fair, intelligent and ethical way.
You definitely don't need to fuck people over to love and fuck lots of people. (Or tie them up.. :)
Might be worth pointing folks to Easton & Liszt's The Ethical Slut, and Wendy-o-Matik's book Redefining Our Relationships. Possibly not the freshest books out there (Paul? You know of any current ones?) But they are solid and useful reading on how to be polyamorous in an honest, fair, intelligent and ethical way.
You definitely don't need to fuck people over to love and fuck lots of people. (Or tie them up.. :)
15
My ex is very much like the guy in the first letter. He married young and we started dating not long after his divorce, so he had only been with two women. We were best friend and agreed our sex life was great, but ended things after two years because he thought he needed to experience other women and I'm not okay with that. What he was saying that even though he loved me and wanted to marry me, that being with me exclusively without a chance to sow some wild oats was too much of a sacrifice
Now, nearly a year after the breakup, he thinks he made a mistake and wants me back, but I've moved on and am involved with another man and am really happy. We are no longer best friends because I have plenty of friends and don't need to hang out with exes. I'm sure that to some extent he thought I would just wait for him to get some sexual experience and then take him back when he wanted to settle down. The guy in letter #1 needs to think about what he really wants. If he hopes the relationship will "reappear at a later time," he's in for some heartbreak. End it completely without planning to get back with her, or compromise.
Now, nearly a year after the breakup, he thinks he made a mistake and wants me back, but I've moved on and am involved with another man and am really happy. We are no longer best friends because I have plenty of friends and don't need to hang out with exes. I'm sure that to some extent he thought I would just wait for him to get some sexual experience and then take him back when he wanted to settle down. The guy in letter #1 needs to think about what he really wants. If he hopes the relationship will "reappear at a later time," he's in for some heartbreak. End it completely without planning to get back with her, or compromise.
16
@9 - I agree that sexual compatibility doesn't have to be 100%. People can have different sex drives or sexual interest and come to compromises. But most of these incompatibilities seem pretty difficult to reconcile. In the first two cases, I could see contacting a compassionate, sane, safe sex worker as a compromise that gives the writers the outlet they need without as much of a seeming threat of emotional encroachment on the primary relationship for their more monogamous partners, but I will bet you a dollar their partners won't see it that way. In the third case...she doesn't want him to even fantasize about it? Really? Sorry, but fantasies don't work that way. A vanilla partner and one into bondage can often work out compromises that leave them both satisfied, but it doesn't sound like this lady is willing to meet him half way at all, which pretty much makes the difference in sexual needs impossible to resolve.
17
@11: I'm echoing 12's "well-said."
As an aside, you gotta love how the first letter seems to blame stodgy partners for failed marriages. Dude, maybe part of the problem is the partner who thinks, "I'll just stifle what I've admitted to be a dear and important part of me and hope that (a) this doesn't implode in my face, or (b) if I cheat later, people will agree it was her fault for being stiff and uncompromising instead of asking why I didn't just leave her."
You're *not* doing her a favour by sticking around. Leave her, let her find a guy who's happy being her one and only, and you can find your own happiness with multiple ladies.
I'm pretty much as supportive as Dan is of open relationships -- as long as all parties are happy -- but I admit I still snorted when I read: "Unfortunately, my girl is plenty satisfied having just me in the bedroom." I don't hear that one too often.
As an aside, you gotta love how the first letter seems to blame stodgy partners for failed marriages. Dude, maybe part of the problem is the partner who thinks, "I'll just stifle what I've admitted to be a dear and important part of me and hope that (a) this doesn't implode in my face, or (b) if I cheat later, people will agree it was her fault for being stiff and uncompromising instead of asking why I didn't just leave her."
You're *not* doing her a favour by sticking around. Leave her, let her find a guy who's happy being her one and only, and you can find your own happiness with multiple ladies.
I'm pretty much as supportive as Dan is of open relationships -- as long as all parties are happy -- but I admit I still snorted when I read: "Unfortunately, my girl is plenty satisfied having just me in the bedroom." I don't hear that one too often.
19
I'm not a relationship advice columnist and I have no access to Dan's email inbox, so this is merely a guess... but I figure "you and the other person are not sexually compatible" could be the answer to about 90% of the letters Dan receives.
21
I find that in old age I regret I didn't stay in relationships that meant a great deal to me because I wanted to sow my oats. Sleeping around isn't what it's cracked up to be when you find yourself old and alone.
22
ah-
our daily dose of "Love",
slog style.
it's all just so sentimental and romantic I can't imagine why Hallmark Channel hasn't bought the rights to the series to make a movie...
our daily dose of "Love",
slog style.
it's all just so sentimental and romantic I can't imagine why Hallmark Channel hasn't bought the rights to the series to make a movie...
25
@21 and @23 are right on.
It's rarely ever worth giving up something lasting for those fleeting moments. I've been young and dumb too, on both sides of the issue, and the "sowing" is rarely worth it. It might be, but chances are it's not.
It's rarely ever worth giving up something lasting for those fleeting moments. I've been young and dumb too, on both sides of the issue, and the "sowing" is rarely worth it. It might be, but chances are it's not.
27
@21 FTL
You must be a total pain in the ass to be with. Otherwise, you wouldn't be old and alone, no matter how many wild oats you sowed in your younger days.
You must be a total pain in the ass to be with. Otherwise, you wouldn't be old and alone, no matter how many wild oats you sowed in your younger days.
29
Agree with all three responses. I've had to give up someone I dated since high school and really loved, and I hung on to him even after the relationship started making me miserable (not because of sexual incompatibility, but the situation is still similar to these). It's not worth the anger you'll feel at yourself for wasted time and pent-up resentment when you could have ended things amicably.
30
@27: I agree. Stories about "the one that got away," whether it was a fish or a lover, inevitably seem to be the territory of sad people who wish to believe that, if not for one misfortune or bad decision, they would now be happy. I say this is as someone who has probably had more than his share of sadness: attributing your sadness to a loss in the past is usually little more than an excuse to give up.
In other news, why the hell are there so many angling metaphors in relationship advice?
In other news, why the hell are there so many angling metaphors in relationship advice?
31
@20
Dan, thank you for continuing to write your column, even with the never-ending dtmfa ones... I would have probably quit in disgust long ago... your will is stronger than most.
So thank you! really! I still love your column to this day, years after I first started reading it!
Dan, thank you for continuing to write your column, even with the never-ending dtmfa ones... I would have probably quit in disgust long ago... your will is stronger than most.
So thank you! really! I still love your column to this day, years after I first started reading it!
32
@30,"...attributing your sadness to a loss in the past is usually little more than an excuse to give up".
Thanks Lee. That's insightful and thought provoking advice. I might print that out and stick it on my fridge, just to remind myself of it every now and again.
Thanks Lee. That's insightful and thought provoking advice. I might print that out and stick it on my fridge, just to remind myself of it every now and again.
33
As much as I love Dan, compatible doesn't really exist. Life, and especially relationships, is about compromises. Acting like there's another way is pure fantasy.
Fine, so you find the freak you've always dreamed of (bondage, etc.) but guess what, s/he's awful with money and you'll always be in debt. Or s/he is just what you want in bed but you can never eat the food you like ever again.
Open relationships – I’d love to see what these become years down the road when one seeks companionship more than pure loin satisfaction.
No one gets 100% of what they want in life – period.
Decide which things are the most important to you and meet the other person half way on the others – trust me you're no ideal catch either friend (you think your partner doesn't wish you were more/better than you are? Dream on.)
Fine, so you find the freak you've always dreamed of (bondage, etc.) but guess what, s/he's awful with money and you'll always be in debt. Or s/he is just what you want in bed but you can never eat the food you like ever again.
Open relationships – I’d love to see what these become years down the road when one seeks companionship more than pure loin satisfaction.
No one gets 100% of what they want in life – period.
Decide which things are the most important to you and meet the other person half way on the others – trust me you're no ideal catch either friend (you think your partner doesn't wish you were more/better than you are? Dream on.)
34
Flawless advice! If these couples ignore it, they will face major problems/lies/cheating in the future. I tell ya, Dan Savage keeps it real.
35
@ 33, are you saying that compatibility is defined as "perfect match?" Because yes, there's no such thing as a perfect match. Compatibility means something else.
36
Funny, this addresses something I've been going through and have felt very conflicted about. I can relate both to Dan's advice and to the comments made by @21 and others about making relationships work and not regretting the past. Of course it's not the past I regret so much as the fact that I'm in a marriage that started out great but has lacked almost any trace of intimacy for over a decade now. In the beginning we were definitely compatible, but that's changed. So for close to ten years now I've asked myself, is everything else in our marriage worth it, or do I risk giving it all up because I'd like to be touched, held, told I'm attractive, or just fucked? Yeah, I know--I AM fucked.
37
Matt - see @36
I'm just saying you can't have it all – might as well get used to the idea sooner rather than later.
Trust me I'm nowhere near talking about perfect matches. But let's say there are 50 key elements that make up living your life (sex being among them) just how many do you think someone will get in their relationship? 5%, 30% 50% 90%? I knew someone who I was totally compatible with sexually – EXACTLY – had to eventually get a restraining order against her …. Caint have it all :-)
I'm just saying you can't have it all – might as well get used to the idea sooner rather than later.
Trust me I'm nowhere near talking about perfect matches. But let's say there are 50 key elements that make up living your life (sex being among them) just how many do you think someone will get in their relationship? 5%, 30% 50% 90%? I knew someone who I was totally compatible with sexually – EXACTLY – had to eventually get a restraining order against her …. Caint have it all :-)
38
Sex is sometimes dismissed by one partner as no big deal --that you shouldn't mind so much if I deny you your fantasy. But then it turns out to be such a big deal that you need to break up when the person who has been denied sexual fulfillment cheats. Sexual compatibility is a prerequisite but it's not everything.
I agree that it's a very different scenario for people who have years of shared commitment, who have endured hardship and raised a family to contemplate breaking up.
I agree that it's a very different scenario for people who have years of shared commitment, who have endured hardship and raised a family to contemplate breaking up.
39
Great advice.
I feel like if any couple has any chance, it's the first one. The "fantastic" 21-year-old girl might grow into a little more openness in time. They've been dating for less than two years, and they're so young. The healthy open relationship the guy wants is the kind that's achieved after years of monogamy and security. They might get there. Then again, she may never be interested.
The third relationship is a DTMFA situation. She's trying to control not just the kind of sex he has, but the fantasies he has IN HIS HEAD while he's turned on? That's not even possible.
I feel like if any couple has any chance, it's the first one. The "fantastic" 21-year-old girl might grow into a little more openness in time. They've been dating for less than two years, and they're so young. The healthy open relationship the guy wants is the kind that's achieved after years of monogamy and security. They might get there. Then again, she may never be interested.
The third relationship is a DTMFA situation. She's trying to control not just the kind of sex he has, but the fantasies he has IN HIS HEAD while he's turned on? That's not even possible.
40
PS. I'd be interested in seeing figures nationwide of what percentage of teens / 20-somethings stay together for life (or close to it). Less than 2%? 0.002%?
You're 20, Why worry, move on already.
You're 20, Why worry, move on already.
41
All around good advice. Only thing I'd add is that maybe TS should suggest a threesome. What straight guy would turn down a FFM threesome. She gets what she wants and he gets what all straight guys want. Win win. If he turns that down then go ahead and dump him.
42
I don't think that the idea of "The Price of Admission" was ever that I get to set it. It's what my partner decides to put up with to be with me, not what I demand from him (and vice versa). Move away from that controlling twit. I hope she grows out of it.
43
Good luck in your future freedom, letter writer #1. But remember that for horny straight guys, women are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys.
44
@37
I can see where you are coming from, but at the same time I think that main issue here is that people are sacrificing LARGE parts of themselves. Sexual satisfaction and compatibility is extremely important for healthy relationships. The people in these letters have sexual problems that they cannot come to compromise on. One person is downright being DENIED what they need sexually in order to be with someone else, to the point where they are seeking outside advice. Their situations were not about compromise. It was about complete and utter incompatibility. AND they are young enough that they don't have heavy histories with their partners, nor do they really have any strings attached, they can move on and it is not the end of the world.
I went through a large part of my life thinking that in order to be with someone I would have to "compromise" because there was just no way there was anyone out there that was "right" for me. But then I did meet someone that was "right" for me, on every level, and I admit that I am lucky, but I think that what really makes us "right" for each other is our past experiences with relationships. Being able to really zone in on what it is that really want from a partner, what we really can't compromise on, and being able to articulate and communicate it all with each other.
I am not the same person now that I was in my early 20s and I am thankfully that I did not compromise myself too much back then and that I never settled. I would not be as happy now if I had.
I can see where you are coming from, but at the same time I think that main issue here is that people are sacrificing LARGE parts of themselves. Sexual satisfaction and compatibility is extremely important for healthy relationships. The people in these letters have sexual problems that they cannot come to compromise on. One person is downright being DENIED what they need sexually in order to be with someone else, to the point where they are seeking outside advice. Their situations were not about compromise. It was about complete and utter incompatibility. AND they are young enough that they don't have heavy histories with their partners, nor do they really have any strings attached, they can move on and it is not the end of the world.
I went through a large part of my life thinking that in order to be with someone I would have to "compromise" because there was just no way there was anyone out there that was "right" for me. But then I did meet someone that was "right" for me, on every level, and I admit that I am lucky, but I think that what really makes us "right" for each other is our past experiences with relationships. Being able to really zone in on what it is that really want from a partner, what we really can't compromise on, and being able to articulate and communicate it all with each other.
I am not the same person now that I was in my early 20s and I am thankfully that I did not compromise myself too much back then and that I never settled. I would not be as happy now if I had.
45
Sheesh...#3's girlfriend demanded he not even FANTASIZE about it??? Holy shit, what a controlling, insecure douchenozzle.
Having a partner who's not willing to accommodate you, or even TRY, is rather different from having a partner who just doesn't happen to have the same turn-ons. I think that's been a pretty clear theme in Savage Love throughout the years. At the end of the day, being GGG matters so much more than having matching kinks.
Having a partner who's not willing to accommodate you, or even TRY, is rather different from having a partner who just doesn't happen to have the same turn-ons. I think that's been a pretty clear theme in Savage Love throughout the years. At the end of the day, being GGG matters so much more than having matching kinks.
46
@27 I never saw myself that way but you are somewhat right. I don't drink, I like many enjoyable things in life and wouldn't call myself unhappy about where I've been. I ended
the relationships of which I speak. I also learned that there should be no subject that shouldn't be discussed about the two of you and what makes you happy or not.
the relationships of which I speak. I also learned that there should be no subject that shouldn't be discussed about the two of you and what makes you happy or not.
47
So did the straight guy from the podcast ever get back to you about his gay crush? I want to know what his crush said!
48
"Compromise" and "compatibility" are two very different conditions.
It's true that no two people are ever going to match up exactly on every single point, and to expect that that's how a perfect relationship functions is an unrealistic romantic fantasy. But when a couple's basic sexual desires don't intersect at such an essential level, there's little in the way of compromise that can help.
Once lives, histories, families, finances are intertwined, once there are children, once a sense of guilt sets in, it is much harder to separate.
If this incompatibility wasn't sexual in nature, the people involved would not be so torn; our culture devalues the importance of a strong sexual connection to a couple's success. People feel as though their reluctance to settle for sex life they know will be unsatisfying is a mark of emotional immaturity--it isn't. Expecting that you and your partner will be perfect mirror images of each other is the immature attitude. But there's only so much that "compromise" can fix.
As to the guy in the first letter who wants to sow his wild oats, my mother's favorite saying regarding romance applies: "timing is everything." His girlfriend might be the love of his life, but he's not ready to settle down with one love of his life. If he does, he'll cheat on her, guaranteed, and if she can't handle the idea of an open relationship, you know how she'll react when his affairs come to light. Or he'll feel like a creep for cheating on a woman he loves.
It's a definite possibility that he'll look back on this decision with some regret, if what they have is real, but hopefully when he's at a point in life--maybe in two years, maybe in twenty--when he's ready to settle down, he will have met another woman who is also "the one." Because there's more than one.
If he doesn't have his chance to fuck around, no matter how unfulfilling it may in fact prove to be, he will come to resent this woman for preventing him from attaining something he has decided is vitally important. And what will that do to their relationship?
More...
It's true that no two people are ever going to match up exactly on every single point, and to expect that that's how a perfect relationship functions is an unrealistic romantic fantasy. But when a couple's basic sexual desires don't intersect at such an essential level, there's little in the way of compromise that can help.
Once lives, histories, families, finances are intertwined, once there are children, once a sense of guilt sets in, it is much harder to separate.
If this incompatibility wasn't sexual in nature, the people involved would not be so torn; our culture devalues the importance of a strong sexual connection to a couple's success. People feel as though their reluctance to settle for sex life they know will be unsatisfying is a mark of emotional immaturity--it isn't. Expecting that you and your partner will be perfect mirror images of each other is the immature attitude. But there's only so much that "compromise" can fix.
As to the guy in the first letter who wants to sow his wild oats, my mother's favorite saying regarding romance applies: "timing is everything." His girlfriend might be the love of his life, but he's not ready to settle down with one love of his life. If he does, he'll cheat on her, guaranteed, and if she can't handle the idea of an open relationship, you know how she'll react when his affairs come to light. Or he'll feel like a creep for cheating on a woman he loves.
It's a definite possibility that he'll look back on this decision with some regret, if what they have is real, but hopefully when he's at a point in life--maybe in two years, maybe in twenty--when he's ready to settle down, he will have met another woman who is also "the one." Because there's more than one.
If he doesn't have his chance to fuck around, no matter how unfulfilling it may in fact prove to be, he will come to resent this woman for preventing him from attaining something he has decided is vitally important. And what will that do to their relationship?
49
@48.. have to second that emotion. I threw away a great relationship in my 20's in order to sample more of the female population. I was a late bloomer, never even had a date in high school, and I couldn't resist the opportunities that I found later, maybe thought I was owed them. Most all the short encounters I had would be shallow and unsatisfying wastes of time (no reflection on any of those girls) but I had to go through it to come out the other side, to find out how to be a man and a worthwhile partner. I often think back on that early relationship and wish I could have been different but I don't see how.
Thirtyfive years later In a marriage of 25 years, the last nine of which have been sexless (and with no change of partner will continue to be so far into the future as I can imagine), I contest with myself almost daily whether it would better to divorce or perpetrate an affair than to continue in this way. So far, maintaining this relationship as it has become-- wins. But so long as sexual desire exists, I will contemplate how to settle it.
Thirtyfive years later In a marriage of 25 years, the last nine of which have been sexless (and with no change of partner will continue to be so far into the future as I can imagine), I contest with myself almost daily whether it would better to divorce or perpetrate an affair than to continue in this way. So far, maintaining this relationship as it has become-- wins. But so long as sexual desire exists, I will contemplate how to settle it.
51
Dan Savage and his readers often use the abbreviation GGG. In his March 1, 2007 column?, Savage summarized: "GGG stands for 'good, giving, and game,' which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.'"
-- Wikipedia
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Because Guns Make Us Safer by Goldy
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SL Letter of the Day: Daddy Loves Who? by Dan Savage
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Gregoire: "This is signed!" by Eli Sanders
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Gay Kids Are Still Killing Themselves by Dan Savage
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Whitney Is Dead, And So Is Hollywood by Kelly O
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Planned Parenthood Exposed! by David Schmader
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Stranger Tournament of Dunces, Match 3: Rep. Mark Hargrove vs. Rep. Norma Smith by Eli Sanders
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