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News & ArtsWednesday, September 2, 2009
Two-Block Radius / Wilderness Whose Beard Is Better?
Posted by Megan Seling on Wed, Sep 2, 2009 at 3:51 PM
We need your help solving an inter-office battle. Three behind-the-curve staffers finally have beards (now that they're uncool again).
As always, these polls are legally binding.
2
"A Neckbeard, also known as a neard, is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on fatties and UNIX programmers. Also known as the "Bloatee", it is a derivative of the "Abe Lincoln" (Not to be confused with the sex move, since anyone with a neckbeard has no relation to sex.). Its purpose is to delineate the neck from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity. The wearer hopes his neckbeard will make him look like a badass from Hackers or The Matrix, but it actually just reminds observers that he lacks a fucking chin."
6
@2, if you think Nipper is obese, you're confused. But yeah, I'm sorry, Mr. Nipper, but you should shave.
9
Thank you Frizzelle. I think I'm gonna shave my neck beard into a Hilter mustache, but I gotta color it brown since all neck beaver is all white.
And @ 2 my neck beard IS to hide that I am morbidly obese. I really am a huge and fat boy. I don't know what a "UNIX" is.
And @ 2 my neck beard IS to hide that I am morbidly obese. I really am a huge and fat boy. I don't know what a "UNIX" is.
11
Frizzelle... just a few more pounds and you'll be an official Northwest Bear, especially with the Quake Rugby experience, brief as it was, on your resume'. You look hot, btw.
12
Frizelle's beard is best ...
Nipper really should shave ...
Brissey seems like he would look like a 12 year old without it ...
Nipper really should shave ...
Brissey seems like he would look like a 12 year old without it ...
13
I don't typically like guys with beards, but Frizzelle, call me sometime. ;) And don't let my icon fool you, the 'stache is long gone.
15
i feel like choosing between 1 & 3 was too difficult because they are both SUPER HOT.
no offense to 2, but people who can only grow neck hair have to shave. a few kids at my college tried working the neck beard but it was just unfortunate
no offense to 2, but people who can only grow neck hair have to shave. a few kids at my college tried working the neck beard but it was just unfortunate
16
Frizzelle looks like Dave Matthews (not a compliment in my eyes).
As for why Mr. Brissey, I did not vote for him because his beard ends under his chin with a razor line. A gradual stop to underchin/neck hair is best.
As for why Mr. Brissey, I did not vote for him because his beard ends under his chin with a razor line. A gradual stop to underchin/neck hair is best.
17
Frizzelle looks better without the beard (not that he looks bad with it), and I really can't stand neckbeards; therefore, I voted Brissey.
20
Brissey's beard is thicker, as well as nicely trimmed- thus, I must give him my vote. I call shenanigans if he doesn't win.
25
Frizzelle must have had an important meeting today, what with the vintage 1960s Towncraft tie (clip-on?). You're hot anyway. [/flirt]
Some other personal opinions/prejudices, in no particular order:
Pick a line, somewhere between the margin of the jaw and above the Adam's apple, and maintain a sharp edge downwards by shaving at least every two days. I think Brissey wins here.
Patchy beards (either in terms of growth pattern or color) most definitely have their charms. Yay Nipper.
Use two mirrors to get a full-on side view (which you don't normally get) and assess how beard shape works with your head/face contours. Solicit outside opinions if necessary, and adjust as necessary. Lots of guys have a whisker pattern that keeps going behind the earlobes. It's usually best to maintain a straight vertical line forward of the ear down to the angle of the jaw.
In spite of their tiresome commonality all through the 90s, especially among baseball players, van Dykes (don't call 'em goatees) look great. By lopping off the last 1/2 inch or so of mustache, leaving only an 1/8 of an inch whisker line down into the chin beard, and eliminating long sideburns/muttonchops, they slim the face.
Was that a faggy makeover, or what?
Some other personal opinions/prejudices, in no particular order:
Pick a line, somewhere between the margin of the jaw and above the Adam's apple, and maintain a sharp edge downwards by shaving at least every two days. I think Brissey wins here.
Patchy beards (either in terms of growth pattern or color) most definitely have their charms. Yay Nipper.
Use two mirrors to get a full-on side view (which you don't normally get) and assess how beard shape works with your head/face contours. Solicit outside opinions if necessary, and adjust as necessary. Lots of guys have a whisker pattern that keeps going behind the earlobes. It's usually best to maintain a straight vertical line forward of the ear down to the angle of the jaw.
In spite of their tiresome commonality all through the 90s, especially among baseball players, van Dykes (don't call 'em goatees) look great. By lopping off the last 1/2 inch or so of mustache, leaving only an 1/8 of an inch whisker line down into the chin beard, and eliminating long sideburns/muttonchops, they slim the face.
Was that a faggy makeover, or what?
27
Grant and Frizzelle need to make a beard rubbing video. NOW.
If you don't know what that is, youtube it.
BEARD RUBBING, DO IT. NOW.
If you don't know what that is, youtube it.
BEARD RUBBING, DO IT. NOW.
32
haha. nipper wins cause it's grey and proud. frizzelle always looks the same to me whether shaven or not (where's the hat, dude?). and i don't know who the other dude is, but i bet he reads a lot.
33
@25: You need to start a beard blog where people can submit photos and get your advice. I would follow it. Maybe.
37
Beards are so over. They're like the Garfunkel and Oates of facial hair.
Nipper, on the other hand, gets hotter by the year. Look at you, rocking the attitude.
Nipper, on the other hand, gets hotter by the year. Look at you, rocking the attitude.
38
Grant looks super cute without the beard, but he is probably the only person on the face of the planet that I like WITH a beard. In the past three or so years that I have known him, he pretty much always has had some sort of beardlike growth. And I don't believe I've ever told him he should shave. In fact, i am shocked and sometimes dismayed when he does.
40
@27, I didn't think it could be done, but you have finally found something that sets off my squickometer. Beard-rubbing, oh dear. That's worse than that picture of the guy on the deck with the mason jar in his bung-holio. I'm now anti-gay.
41
Frizzelle's beard is best, although the whole image is a little "serial-killer-ish" (sorry).
Nipper's beard?... meh... I neither like nor dislike.
Brissey looks like a high school chemistry teacher. Take that as good or bad, your choice.
That's my two cents, anyway.
Nipper's beard?... meh... I neither like nor dislike.
Brissey looks like a high school chemistry teacher. Take that as good or bad, your choice.
That's my two cents, anyway.
42
uh, you guys going off about 1 & 3...they look the same. just a different head tilt, shirt, and glasses. i'm glad that the stranger has now "decided" (i guess) that beards are "uncool" again. didn't know they were considered cool to begin with. i knew that it was the new "indie facial hair fad," a year or so ago...but, now...as an official fashion trend it's dead, huh? thanks for letting us all know. let us know when flannel goes back out too, if you'd be so kind.
43
I prefer beards, myself. Any man who shaves has some degree of stubble, and stubble chaps my lips. Beards are softer.
44
Grant Brissey's is a very close second but I had to vote for Frizelle because Brissey's looks a little fake.
47
I voted Frizzelle. I was going to vote for Nipper until I got a closer look at the scraggliness of it, and how far down the neck it extended.
If they all shaved I would probably vote for Nipper.
If they all shaved I would probably vote for Nipper.
48
Brissey looks like Schmader. Nipper looks like Anderson Cooper. Frizzelle looks like some dude.
Yrs, Rainn Wilson
Yrs, Rainn Wilson
50
I dunno about "best beard" but I voted for Frizzelle because I wanna make out with him. Weekend jaunt to Vermont, Christopher?
51
Nipper, your beard hides in the lighting and your flesh. Much like Spencer's creepy flesh colored moustache and chin beard. You don't want to be Spencer's older bottom other half, do you?
52
I started to vote on beard quality, but then went for who I could most easily fantasize about. Nipper, you win. That gray is adorable.
54
Nipper is quite the good-looking guy. But the neck beard needs to leave the room (without the good-looking guy it's attached to).
55
I'm back from the gym, where's my beard-rubbing Frizzelle? Grant?
Alright, that's it, both of you are going to Slog Happy. This thing will happen.
Alright, that's it, both of you are going to Slog Happy. This thing will happen.
56
Jesus. Won't the hipster beard thing finally end? They all look pathetic. Fast forward a year to the next hipster crave...clean shaven...until long hair comes back...then eye glasses...wash and repeat. Fucking hipsters.
59
I voted for #2 because he doesn't seem like he cares whether it looks cool or not. Also beards are icky so the more invisible the better.
Coconut for best beard on the island YAY! Nice work matt@TMW!
Coconut for best beard on the island YAY! Nice work matt@TMW!
60
I was tempted to vote Mike as best beard, because he was the only one who didn't lift his chin to exaggerate his beard. Unfortunately, neck beards really weird me out. If he shaves his neck, I'm totally pro-Mike.
66
I like this Nipper fellow, he's got spunk.
Wait. Is that the word I want to use when describing a Stranger Staffer?
...
Yes.
Wait. Is that the word I want to use when describing a Stranger Staffer?
...
Yes.
67
#29, the answer is Christopher Frizzelle by his own account. He covered this in an article he wrote. No photographic proof though. He looks much better without a beard.
68
Frizzelle and Brissey are both sporting basic Ewoks. They look mostly harmless, but certainly unexciting. Nipper is going for something, and I think he mostly succeeds. None of the three is going in a gallery of great beards.
Keep working gentlemen.
Keep working gentlemen.
69
Ugh. Brissey looks like a pretentious git. I can just see him stroking his beard in the mornings... fluffing it before he leaves for work. Also, for some reason, it strikes me as the beard of a tabletop gamer. Don't really know why.
I'd do the other two, though. Assuming they like women.
I'd do the other two, though. Assuming they like women.
71
Grant Brissey is hot...so he wins. (And he likes The Hot Snakes..thus probably Obits)
The second poll is just mean.
The second poll is just mean.
72
Sorry, O Wonderfully Named Mike, but a beard doesn't belong if it doesn't contrast with your face. You know, so we can tell it's there.
74
I think the contestants in the poll should have been:
1)Vanessa Hudgens
2)Katie Holmes
3)Kelly Preston
1)Vanessa Hudgens
2)Katie Holmes
3)Kelly Preston
78
@25 - What is the formal distinction between a Van Dyke and a goatee? I'm aware of both terms, but given how broadly you're applying the former term, I suspect that what I'm currently calling a goatee (my wife likes it; I'll have to shave for a show come November, but I'll indulge her 'til then) might well be a Van Dyke.
Tangential question--For whom is the Van Dyke named?
Tangential question--For whom is the Van Dyke named?
79
Also--if the presence of a moustache is what makes the distinction, does one also distinguish between when the moustache connects with the beard and when it does not?
It seems that there's not a lot of agreement on these matters online.
It seems that there's not a lot of agreement on these matters online.
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