You're not an asexophobe, you're just ignorant. Monogamy in a sexless relationship probably is hard for you to define, since you're a sexual person. Between two asexual people, the meaning of monogamy is something that would have to be negotiated. As an asexual individual, I would simply define it as not cuddling or kissing with people outside of your relationship.

As for the wider question of when is the right time for an asexual to disclose his or her orientation, I agree that sooner is better. And it's possible that a lot of other asexuals think so, too! Don't make the mistake of assuming from the statements on one website, which cannot possibly be said to represent all of asexual individuals' opinions, that we're out to trap people with our sexlessness.

Ace Ventura

My response and more letters from asexuals—angry and otherwise—after the jump.

Thank you for writing, Ace. Now...

Representing as I do all sexuals everywhere—heterosexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals—let me just say that we sexuals never assumed that any of the positions taken by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network represented the opinions of all asexual individuals everywhere. I was merely addressing the issues raised by AVEN in my capacity as the duly appointed representative of all sexuals everywhere. I apologize for any confusion my statements may have caused. And I appreciate your position on disclosure of an asexual identity: the sooner the better.

Dan, please get some asexual friends. I realize you're a sex advice columnist, and this is basically the opposite, but you're answer to TSIL was completely unfair and not thought out at all. My aunt got this figured out a long time ago. She married young, but found out she didn't want a sexual relationship at all, so got a divorce. Now she's been married to the same guy for thirty years in an asexual relationship. She dated a lot and when she and her date started "getting frisky" (her words) she would make it clear that she didn't want sex, just kissing and companionship. Back then asexuality wasn't well-known, or I'm sure she would have made it clear sooner. She got called a lot of nasty things sometimes and one guy tried to rape her (the typical "you just need a good dick in you" mentality), but then she found a guy who was perfectly happy with someone who's just a companion and they married because they're in love and wanted to have a home together and have been happy since. That's a monogamous relationship. They don't date outside the relationship, or try to find love or companionship in anyone else they way they do in their relationship. If there had been asexual communities back then, she would have probably only searched in the community.

Niece of Asexual Aunt

First off, I L-O-V-E your column, podcast and blog. Your brutally honest, snarky commentary never ceases to improve my mood and make my day a little less shitty. That said, I'm also asexual, and it kind of worried me when in the September 10th column some of that snarky awesomeness was aimed at asexuals; specifically the question of whether or not they exist.

Don't get me wrong; snark NEEDS to be aimed at the asexuals. Without frank, hold-the-sugar-coating discussion about sexual relationships and what sexually-inclined people expect from their relationships, how are these people ever going to realize that asexual-sexual relationships are doomed? I mean, have you actually looked through asexuality.org? It seems that half the people on there believe that with enough love, affection and talking that a sexual person can reconcile themselves to a sexless life. The asexuals need you, Dan, so please don't assume they don't exist. Surely a world that created people who have sex while wearing diapers and screaming for binkies is big enough to have popped out a handful of people who just don't want to have it at all.

A-OK in Midwest

PS: No, I'm not intimidated by the thought of sex and I consider myself reasonably well-adjusted. It's just that the thought of sex appeals to me about as much as vagina appeals to you.

Because you're someone a lot of youth look up to for advice on sex and relationships, I felt it was important to write in and let you know that you've been misinformed about asexuality. Asexual people are people who do not experience sexual attraction, full stop. People who identify as asexual can still be emotionally attracted or romantically attracted to other people. As you mentioned on the show, there are asexual people who are not romantically attracted to others, and they're called "aromantic asexuals", but they are not the only asexual people.

As an asexual person, I strongly believe asexual people should not get into relationships without disclosing their asexuality to their partner at the start. It is extremely unfair for the sexual person to then be trapped in an asexual relationship. Honesty and communication should be at the forefront of all relationships. If, at the start of a relationship, an asexual person and a sexual person mutually agree to try something out, then that's one thing, but having a year-long relationship before mentioning one's sexual preference is definitely unfair. Asexual people should not be barred from having relationships, but asexual people need to be vocal and honest from the start.

C. B.