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Monday, September 28, 2009

City / ??!! / Life / Teh Internets You Must Be Certified

Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 3:37 PM

From the wilds of Craigslist:

Vampire hunter (Seattle)

Date: 2009-09-28, 9:20AM PDT

I need a certified vampire hunter immediately, I fear for my life everyday. There is someone in my presence who I suspect is a vampire. For non believers, you need not reply, as you are of no concern to me. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.. I will demand a copy of your certification, and will pay you $50 per hour for your time and investigations.

Location: Seattle
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $50 per hour

Thank you, eternal Hot Tipper Jake.

Comments (19) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Oh yeah, I'm ready to rock and roll, brother. Got my certification, swords, daggers, garlic, you name it. Let's go!

Only problem is it's gonna cost $100 an hour. But hey, do you want the best, or do you want some chickenshit amateur?

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on September 28, 2009 at 3:41 PM

I'm a chickenshit amateur with a forged certification, water I scooped out of a church parking lot, some garlic bread and a heavy brick.

It'll cost ya $25 an hour.

Posted by Baconcat on September 28, 2009 at 3:45 PM

I find it hilarious that I was somehow not the only one who noticed this but also immediately forwarded it to The Stranger. Way to go Seattle.

Posted by devices

on September 28, 2009 at 3:48 PM

Oh, they'll find someone certifiable alright.

Posted by For An Extra $50, I'll Bring My Proton Pack on September 28, 2009 at 4:00 PM

ok, how many defrocked priests do we have around here, anyway?

Posted by Will in Seattle

on September 28, 2009 at 4:18 PM

I don't think it's the vampire hunter who's certifiable...

Posted by COMTE

on September 28, 2009 at 4:30 PM

And, um, like, does the OP think there's some sort of sanctioning body - American Vampire-Hunters Association anyone? - that actually provides such "certification"?

Posted by COMTE

on September 28, 2009 at 4:32 PM

I could tell you how to get certified as a vampire hunter, but the process sucks ... a lot.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on September 28, 2009 at 4:44 PM

Just where would one get a vampire hunting certificate?

Posted by Reverse Polarity on September 28, 2009 at 4:53 PM

I have one..

I just printed it out, but I have one.

Posted by Womyn2me $http://http:\\www.shelleyandlaura.com$ on September 28, 2009 at 4:57 PM

Unfortunately for this person, it's not vampire season. There is some debate, however, as to whether it's duck season or wabbit season.

Posted by bobbyjoe on September 28, 2009 at 5:27 PM

I think with a Universal Life ministry you get a Vampire Hunting License.

Posted by Tricyclic on September 28, 2009 at 6:27 PM

Is anyone else going to tell the police about this one? Presuming that the "vampire" is a person, aren't they essentially attempting to hire an assassin?

Posted by Cannaya on September 28, 2009 at 6:44 PM

Umm ... it's not illegal to kill the undead.

Posted by Tricyclic on September 28, 2009 at 7:08 PM

@ 14
Depends on which vampire reality we're in, here. In True Blood it definitely would be. Have to keep these things straight.

Posted by devices

on September 28, 2009 at 7:14 PM

@7: How DARE you besmirch the reputation of the old and prestigious van Helsing Institute!

Posted by Greg on September 28, 2009 at 9:05 PM

Posting seems to be flagged for removal. But why post it under "Creative gigs"?

Posted by M'thew on September 29, 2009 at 1:27 AM

If the ad is serious, the person who posted it may be suffering a psychotic episode. I know everybody wants to see humor in everything (a natural reaction to modern life), and perhaps the ad is a joke. But if it isn't, the poster could be in need of immediate medical attention.

Posted by homec on September 29, 2009 at 5:44 AM

Wait, wait, where can I get certified? That sounds way better than real estate school and it's a two-for-one, because I'm pretty sure if you're vampire-hunter certified, you can also help kill zombies when the outbreak happens.

Posted by Tori on September 29, 2009 at 10:19 AM