I'm a bisexual male. My last GF was interesex. She was raised as a boy, transitioned in her teens. We broke up but remain good friends. She has a profile on an online dating site and a friend of mine found it. On the profile she singles out that she's supportive of "queer/transgender" rights. She also mentions equal rights as a whole, but the transgender issue is the subject of an entirely separate paragraph. My friend asked me if she was trans, and i told him that she was born intersexed. He really had no reaction to this news.

I let her know that I said this and she flipped out. She said that I had violated her privacy. Did I? She brought up the issue on her profile, and while she might not have outed herself with it she definitely opened the (closet) door a crack. Am I supposed to never mention this? What if I get into a conversation about exes with a future relationship? Am I just supposed to cover her in CIA black tape?

Confused About Outing

My answer after the jump...

I'm torn.

On the one hand, CAO, your life experiences are your own. You have a right to share them, write about 'em, blab about 'em. Not everyone has dated an intersexed person—not everyone would date an intersexed person—and it says something about who you are socially and sexually that you would and have. So I don't think you're obligated to refrain from mentioning what amounts to a pertinent fact about you, CAO, and your sexual and romantic history.

On the second hand: You weren't just chatting about an anonymous ex with a friend, CAO, nor were you merely divulging an interesting detail of your own personal history. You were talking about a specific ex with a friend who had somehow found his way to an online profile she posted to a personals website. So you weren't telling him something important and personal about you, CAO, you were telling a potential date, someone your ex might have wanted to get to know just a bit before sharing her history, something important and personal about her. And that could screw things up for your ex because not everyone will date—knowingly date—someone who was born intersexed. That being the case, CAO, its not unreasonable for your ex to want to go on a date or two before disclosing this information about herself.

And is there any question that your ex intended to disclose? Just as your she was open with you about her history, CAO, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and say she intends to be open with future partners. The stuff in her profile about "queer/transgender" is there for a reason, right? Not to open the closet door a crack (so that you can shove her out), but to weed out prospective dates who are intolerant of the queers and/or transgendered. It scares off the kind of people who might react badly to her news while still allowing her to go on a first date with men (or women) who might not go on that first date if she disclosed, the kind of generally tolerant men and women who might be willing to reconsider their abstract prejudices against the intersexed after meeting your specific (and intersexed) ex.

And on the third hand... information wants to be free. And, once shared, personal info about oneself—even deeply personal info—is notoriously hard to control. And, as someone pointed out in comments before I could finish drafting my response (which I posted by accidents before stepping away from my computer, dang it), you were asked a direct question. If you refused to answer—the only way to refrain from outing your ex without actively lying—your friend would've know that the answer was "yes." And while your friend isn't technically trans, but intersexed, she has transitioned, so...

I don't see how, given the circumstances, you could avoid doing what you did.