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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Oct 6, 2009 at 4:11 PM

I am a college freshman, and I've realized in my first 6 weeks away from home how readily available adorable, fuckable, nerd boys are here. In high school, I was considered a "cute but odd girl" at best, and while I had a few insignificant relationships, there was never more than one even mildly attractive boy at available to date at any given time.

My dilemma is, I've hooked up with three boys in the past three weeks, and each appears interested in an actual relationship, not just continued casual rendezvous in my dorm room. I know I can't keep up with three different guys, so I'm going to have to break up with someone. In addition, two of the boys run in the same social circle.

In high school, the limited dumping I've done has been easy, given that the relationships were clearly failing anyway. Further, the relationships were defined as "boyfriend and girlfriend." In this case, I'm going to have to break up with at least one nice boy whose only crime is being one boy too many. None of these relationships have been declared monogamous, but all three appear to be interested in more than just sex. To be clear, I haven't fucked any of them yet, just gotten close.

I've been skanky and selfish; now I need to know how to say "let's be friends" as kindly as possible, without presuming that there was a serious relationship to begin with.

How do I fix this?

Completely Underestimated Natural Talents

My response after the jump...

You're over thinking things, CUNT.

Asking how to "fix this" presumes that you've broken something, CUNT, or that you've made some horrible mistake. You haven't. Free and available, you spent some time with three different boys, which if your prerogative as a free and available young woman. Now you find yourself in the enviable position of entertaining three different boys who appear to be interested in dating you, not just hooking up or hanging out. You haven't committed yourself to more than one guy, you haven't mislead anyone, you haven't stepped in it. You're golden. All you have to do now is decide which one you're most interested in and make yourself available to him—continue hanging out/hooking up with him—while making yourself unavailable to the other two for the moment.

Since nothing has been declared or defined—since you are not now, nor have you ever been, the girlfriend of any one of these boys—you don't have to officially break up with anyone. Nor should you. Again, spend time with the boy you're most interested in, decline invites from the other two for the moment. If things work out with the first boy and you get serious about each other, promptly let the other two boys know—via Facebook or in person—the reason you haven't been hanging out with them: your relationship status has changed, sorry.

But if things don't work out with the first boy and you never do change your relationship status, CUNT, you should be able to pick up where you left off with one or both of the other two boys. You won't have that option, though, if you formally dumped them or threw down a "let's be friends" when you really didn't need to.

Please don't interpret this as a license to string the other two boys along for months and months. You should be able to determine if you made the right choice—if you chose the right boy—in a matter of weeks, CUNT, not months. And once you've made that determination, either change your relationship status or move on to the next boy while you still have a chance with him.

Comments (34) RSS

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How do you go about dumping them, CUNT? Well, how about telling them pretty much exactly what you said in your letter. Even a hormonal adolescent nerd ought to be able to grok that. And if not, you're probably better off without them anyway.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on October 6, 2009 at 4:16 PM

when will college kids figure out that not every guy you flirt with is your BOYFRIEND? there is no reason in the world to "break up" with someone you aren't in a relationship with.

Posted by spoiler alert on October 6, 2009 at 4:41 PM

Major problem with the duck-and-fuck advice Dan just gave.
Ignoring and/or avoiding two of the guys to go after one of them is just not cool.
Be up front.
Tell them.
Yeah, you may end up not having things work out with one and having lost the others because of the choice you made. But make the choice and declare it to the others so that they too can make a choice- to wait and see if things don't go through on your first choice or to move on and find someone else.
Let other girls get in on some of the nerd love.

Posted by dcpa22 on October 6, 2009 at 4:46 PM

@2: This is very true. CUNT: If you're not fucking him, he's a friend, not a boyfriend.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on October 6, 2009 at 4:50 PM

uh, dear, you're just hanging out with them...unless you've been leading them on, you don't have anything to worry about...continue to hang out with them (and others) until you're ready to pick somebody to settle down with as more than friends.

Posted by michael strangeways

on October 6, 2009 at 4:59 PM

Wait. This movie started out with a nerd subplot but by the second reel they'd completely forgotten it and reverted to your basic formula romantic comedy. What gives?

Posted by elenchos on October 6, 2009 at 5:04 PM

Strangely, I assumed that the author was a boy, and that the ease of breaking off the "boyfriend and girlfriend" relationships was due to being in the closet.

Does this make me progressive and awesome, or does it make me super-duper gay?

Posted by Scalpel

on October 6, 2009 at 5:10 PM

Yes, but.... even when making things very clear to begin with, boys have a bad habit of taking "I'm not interested in a relationship" as "I am a fun challenge - keep playing and you can level up!"

While, in reality, CUNT did absolutely nothing wrong, she still runs the risk of being labeled a damn dirty hussy by these kids. Unfair! True! Someone is going to end up feeling scorned, and the best she can do is toughen up and realize that she is not just a catch in comparison to her high school days, but BECAUSE of her "cute but odd"ness. I hear a lot of her former self in the letter - the idea that, in the past, she wouldn't have had the chance to date, let alone dump, this many people and because of that she feels she owes them.

She does not, and she would do well to realize that she deserves the attention on her own merit!

Posted by bellandwhistle on October 6, 2009 at 5:14 PM

Oh, to be young again. Tell each one you aren't interested in anything serious right now. Then date all three if they're still into you. This way you can find out which is best for a long term relationship. No need to get serious right away. You have all the time in the world. Just be honest. And enjoy college. It will be some of your most cherished memories.

Posted by Vince on October 6, 2009 at 5:21 PM

She said she hooked up with them, @2 @4.

The two who are friends she has to definitely tell one to cool his jets. It's just not fair to him otherwise.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on October 6, 2009 at 5:21 PM

I think an important question to ask is "Do you actually WANT to date any of these boys?" You don't have to settle for the first guy(s) that seem interested in a long term relationship, even if you're not used to getting manly-type attention. That's the fucking beauty of college.

If one of the three dudes is a guy you'd actually want to date long term, go for it, and don't feel like you've led the other 2 on (making out with a dude is hardly a marriage proposal). But don't feel like you HAVE to pick one just because these are the first 3 guys that have shown interest in you that you're kinda sorta attracted to. Again, it's your first couple weeks of college...you're gonna run into a LOT of guys that are way better than the guys you went to high school with.

Also, and not to put too fine a line on it...you haven't actually slept with these guys. I certainly don't want to make you paranoid, but you SHOULD keep in mind that maybe, just maybe, at least one of them seems more interested in seeing you again not because he wants to date you forever...but because it's his first 6 weeks of college and he'd like to get laid too.

Posted by Karla

on October 6, 2009 at 5:25 PM

Not everyone in the world plays by Dan's rules. In fact, his rules will hurt a lot of people who aren't "sexually enlightened." Too bad for them, huh? They should have known better than to hook up with a beautiful young woman who wants to jump your bones, or at the very least they shouldn't develop feelings for a girl that by all reasonable accounts seems to like them. Poor boys...

Posted by sloop on October 6, 2009 at 5:29 PM

@2, I wish someone had given me that advice way back when. I can think of at least one (I'm deliberately not mining my memory for more embarrassment) awkward circumstance during which I completely misinterpreted some casual, fun, sex that was very generously shared with me by someone in the same position as the OP. I wasn't lead on. I wasn't mislead. I was just a clueless and immature little prat. Alas, I'd been reading too much ee cummings and was going through my grand romantic phase (cue the arrival of the air sickness bag). If only someone had sat me down and given me a proverbial clip around the ear, I may not have poisoned that particularly rapturous well with my fuckwitedness. Ah, the folly of youth...

Posted by Aussie Steve on October 6, 2009 at 6:21 PM

I think somewhere along the way, people started to think that if you're dating that you're exclusive. Once had a guy who asked me out, I gave him my number. We never went out though because a couple days later he saw me with another man (gasp) and got pissed. Dan's right. You have no obligation to any one of them. If you want to be in a relationship, pick one and move on.

Posted by Jamie in Pittsburgh

on October 6, 2009 at 6:33 PM

@11 has it absolutely nailed. Don't date unless you want to. You're not obligated to give them what they want in a relationship any more than you're obligated to put out. But do be open and honest about what you're looking for from each guy so nobody is led on.

Posted by bobbie-sue on October 6, 2009 at 6:37 PM

@7 gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by LNic on October 6, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Dude. As a nerdboy, let me offer this advice:

They need to hear exactly what she wants in terms they can understand: "This is an optimization problem, and I don't know what the function looks like. And I want to have fun finding out what it looks like. Be my wingman?"

Nerdboys may not have the social skills or experience to catch subtlety. Be blunt and informative and you will have done the world a great service. And If any of them start following you around like a teary-eyed lost dog, KICK THE PUPPY!

Posted by opticsdoug on October 6, 2009 at 6:52 PM

I wonder if this same letter writer will bitterly deride men for their inability commit when she is mid-thirties?

Karma sucks.

Posted by Snowguy on October 6, 2009 at 6:59 PM

All CUNT has to do is say to the boy she wants to dump is "I have no intension of ever having sex with you". At that point, he'll simply go away on his own - no drama required.

Of course, this would be entirely too mature and simple for any female, especially when there is attention to milk from potential/non-potential boyfriends.

Posted by montex on October 6, 2009 at 7:17 PM

Okay, yeah, agree with everyone else who said there's no need to "break up" with any of these guys. You are not boyfriend/girlfriend. If it were me, I would probably say something to all three guys. Something along the lines of "I'd like to date casually for the first few months of college before I get into any kind of serious relationship, so if you want to keep seeing me, is it okay if we're not exclusive for a little while?" That way, you avoid eliminating any of your options if one of the guys happens to see you with another (and who knows, CUNT may have mis-read these guys and "casual dating" may be music to their ears). You can "keep up with three different guys" for a few weeks until you develop a favorite (or figure out that one isn't for you).

If you do decide to go with Dan's advice, I'd add one caveat. If the guy you decide to try on for size is one of the two guys who run in the same social circle, you may need to actually say something to the other guy. Not like "I'm breaking up with you" obviously, but just making it clear that you're seeing other people.

Posted by Julie in Eugene on October 6, 2009 at 7:25 PM

Great advice.

Oh, and, "misled."

That is all.

Posted by MR. Language Person on October 6, 2009 at 7:28 PM

Semantic question: How can she have hooked up with these guys if she hasn't had sex with them? Is this like a hetero nerd version of hooking up?

Posted by Joe Glibmoron on October 6, 2009 at 7:33 PM

Ummm... doesn't "hooking up" = fucking

Or not, I guess?

It means whatever the sayer wants it to mean, then?

So it's meaningless.

"Hooking up" = Anything from a innocent kiss to a drunken three-way?

Posted by Urgutha Forka on October 6, 2009 at 8:44 PM

@23 - I think that everyone needs to adopt this distinction for "Hooking Up"
Hooking Up = sex (oral or otherwise)
Making Out = kissing and petting to HEAVY petting.
Less confusion about fluids.

Posted by caria on October 6, 2009 at 10:19 PM

Damn, wish I had this problem.

Posted by seandr on October 6, 2009 at 10:30 PM

Ahh, youth.

Posted by kim in portland

on October 6, 2009 at 11:00 PM

@7 looks like your mind read, then chose not to retain the phrase "cute but odd girl". that, sir, makes you super-duper gay. :)

Posted by sven forkbeard on October 6, 2009 at 11:24 PM

And right now in some dorm room there is a nerd boy sitting around thinking, "I like this girl but do not want a serious relationship. How can I make sure she does not think we are 'dating' or are exclusive...."

Posted by gttim on October 7, 2009 at 5:44 AM

@6 ha ha - thanks for my first laugh of the day.

Posted by alice in canada-land on October 7, 2009 at 7:09 AM

Who says you have to pick somenoe? Do you ever want a relationship? Is hooking up all you're really interested in at the moment? You did just start college afterall. Unless you want a relationship, tell all three of the boys, that a relationship isn't what you're looking for, for now, and see how many are still interested in just fooling around.

Posted by darchu on October 7, 2009 at 7:26 AM

And so begins the human drama. The boys make it seem like they're interested in relationships right now, so as to get laid. OP will sleep with the ones she likes and discover they stop being interested after that point. Girl learns to stop sleeping with guys she wants to keep around. Men start bitching to high heaven about how women aren't up for sex.

Posted by Karey on October 7, 2009 at 7:37 AM

@11 - golden advice! I wish I had someone to tell me that. I didn't date during middle or high school and married the first boy I dated in college. Not a good idea. If this girl is as clueless as I was, she needs someone to tell her to not take anything seriously right now. She's a freshman in college!!! Enjoy yourself, don't tie yourself down! Like Dan always says: there is no ONE, just one of a few that will click with you. Take your time and enjoy life before your too far down that rabbit hole.

Posted by Nikki in MN on October 7, 2009 at 8:52 AM