Monday, October 19, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Oct 19, 2009 at 3:18 PM
I'm a 27 year-old man. Last winter, I was visiting with my best friend (Judy) who was also entertaining another friend of hers (Gloria). After an evening of drinks and conversation, Judy retired to bed and Gloria and I proceeded to have sex. It was a great night and, besides that, we got along handsomely and began a low-intensity, long-distance, non-exclusive relationship. We have seen each other about one out of every eight weekends since we met, with one of us flying two thousand miles to make it happen. I wouldn't say things were "serious" but we are very close, sexually and otherwise.Needless to say, I was surprised last week when Judy, to whom I talk almost every night, mentions off-hand that Gloria is a part-time "Adult Service Technician" on Craigslist. This has upset me greatly. I like to think that I'm relatively licentious personally, and am a big believer in sex workers' rights and so forth. And, clearly, one of those rights should be some freedom from social ostracizing and the freedom to enter relationships with others. However, I also think the other people in those relationships have a right to know that their sex partners are sex workers. Shouldn't Gloria have told me? Moreover, shouldn't Judy, my best friend, have told me? Judy argues that this was Gloria's call, and besides, I'm being sex-negative by even suggesting that this would make a difference. Do I have a right to be angry, even if I probably wouldn't have done anything any differently if I had known? Is there some way to inform a friend that they're potentially sleeping with a prostitute without violating someone's privacy? I feel like both of these women have abused my trust.
Too Openminded Or Not Enough
My response after the jump...
Highly relevant information was withheld from you, TOONE, info that any reasonable person would expect you to take into account when making a decision about whether to form a romantic attachment. That you would have continued to see Gloria despite her sideline doesn't change the fact that Gloria and Judy actively withheld this relevant info from you. The withholding was the violation—of your trust and your friendship—not the sex work. So your anger is justified, TOONE, and can't be dismissed as "sex negativity." This isn't about prejudice against sex workers. Gloria has revealed herself to be less than trusting and less than trustworthy and your "best friend" has demonstrated that her first allegiance is to Gloria. Those are the issues, TOONE, and Judy's efforts to make this into a debate about your character reveals her to be manipulative on top untrustworthy.
For the record: I don't think Gloria had a duty to disclose the sex work sideline when you were just some one night-stand she met through a friend. When you fuck someone you just met you self-nominate as the kind of person who's willing to fuck someone he knows next to nothing about. If you don't want to accidentally fuck sex workers or MTFs or Republicans or Top Chef contestants, TOONE, take more time to vet your sex partners.
Like you, TOONE, I support the rights of sex workers. But you know what? I also believe that the sex partners of sex workers have rights too. Doing sex work places a person at greater risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection; that means the sex partners of sex workers are at potentially greater risk. You had a right to make an informed decision about whether or not you want to enter into a relationship, exclusive or not, with a sex worker. And you weren't able to make an informed decision because, once again, that information was withheld.
To sum up: you're right, Judy's wrong, and now you get to make a decision about seeing someone who does sex work. There may be mitigating factors to take into consideration—did Gloria withhold the info out of fear? does she agree that it was wrong? is she doing sex work that doesn't put you at any risk, like domination?—but no one could fault you for dropping both these women.
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@2 is right ----- whiner and I'll add immature.
And BTW: Thank goodness Dan went out of his way to be sure everybody knows he isn't against sex workers, 'cause who would have ever been able to guess he had such a position....
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is it actually a euphemism for sex work -- or is it part time tech work for a highly trafficked section of craigslist?
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is "judy" your sister? because otherwise something smells like bullshit.
most people would probably say no - that's her private life, right? but if she's a sex worker she has an obligation?
interesting - i don't really know the answer here. does a professional whore have a higher obligation than an amateur whore? :)
TOONE has a right to pout for an hour, but not a right to be upset. In his own words, it's a "low-intensity, long-distance, non-exclusive relationship." Nothing was said about them limiting their sexual liaisons elsewhere in the name of minimizing health risks or enhancing the romance of their relationship or anything else. Had Gloria been out banging different guys without making money I fail to see how there's any issue at all going on.
Besides, Gloria is a sex worker on Craigslist, not a trafficked woman forced to work in a Bangladeshi brothel's "party room". As such, she is perfectly capable (assuming she is so inclined) of protecting her own health and that of her partners. Accidents happen, of course, but that has nothing to do with sex work. If TOONE wants to start ratcheting up his requirements in "non-exclusive relationships" then he needs to start screening his partners better.
I heard inklings before I visited, called him out on it, but he downplayed it. Afterward he said he wanted to tell me but I "looked so peaceful sleeping there".
It would have hurt, but it would have hurt less than having to pull the actual truth from him when I got back home.
I still don't think he understood how much it hurt me for him to say, "none of your business".
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The relationship is non-exclusive. They can both fuck whomever they want for whatever reason they want.
Any concern about STDs is a tangent. Not all sex workers have them, and avoiding sex work doesn't mean you won't get one. If you are concerned about STDs, you should ask about them directly, and the partner should respond truthfully.
This guy is entitled to his reaction, and I think it's understandable - even when a relationship is non-exclusive, if you start developing feelings for someone, it can be a bummer to learn the other person is fucking other people, whether for money or not. But he has not been wronged.
Perhaps I've been trolling sheltered waters or sailing denile, but there are some things that should be disclosed before there is a reasonable chance of them being found out and without prompting.
If you're in a (supposedly) committed relationship, carrying an STD, not-tested, a fugitive, packing non-standard or incongruous equipment, campaigning against the activities or people you're propositioning, have a medical condition that may crop up, etc., you need to 'fess up, because these are things that are on the implied questionnaire, and not correcting the assumptions is dishonest.
Now, there is certainly something to the one night stand exception, but none of the items above, and some I probably forgot to add, are all things that should not be found out after the sex that may not have happened if all the facts were known and definitely not by any means other than one partner informing the other.
There is nothing wrong with stepping outside of the standard social conventions, but it isn't right to force someone out without their informed consent.
"Hey sexy... You're not an arsonist, are you?"
For me, finding out that someone I sleep with on a regular basis and regard as being 'close' to me emotionally works even part-time as a sex worker would anger me because withholding something relatively major (and yes, a second career as a sex worker counts as 'major') and would be a serious breach of trust. I've done the casual open relationship thing with someone I'm close to, but honesty was always of the utmost importance: I wanted to know what was going on in his sex life, and a lie of omission would have been just as serious as a straightforward lie. Of course, a lot depends on the rules for communication and boundaries they set up. (And if they never discussed guidelines, then TOONE is an idiot and has no right to complain.) Did they agree not to talk about other partners? That's the only other way Gloria's in the right.
Also, I'm with #8: is she even a sex worker??
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