Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letters of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 1:00 PM
Your response to ANUS was great, but in case he isn't scared enough to stop his behavior I thought I'd share this horrifying tidbit. A good friend of mine who was a biology major in college would download articles from the Journal of Forensic Sciences and share the strangest ones with me. One article described a man who perforated his anus and died from lowering himself onto the upturned leg of a wooden stool. Investigators surmised from the scene that he frequently partook in this activity when his wife and children weren't home but slipped on this occasion and, to put it unscientifically, stabbed himself up the ass. So, not only does ANUS have to worry about slipping onto the plunger he's riding (which would be tall enough to travel halfway up his abdomen before he hit the floor) but for his conservative family to find his corpse in that position.Helpful Reader
Just read your latest column with the guy using a toilet plunger as a sex toy. I have to send in a word of warning. A good friend of mine is a paramedic and once went on a call to the site of a dead body. A guy had stuck the plunger to the floor of his bath tub, was pleasuring himself when he slipped. I imagine that boys parents would greatly prefer to find a sex toy while snooping to finding his dead body impaled in this manner.J.V.
I had a friend whose ex-boyfriend was an E.R. doc who treated a guy who was using a plunger in the manner ANUS describes and slipped and fell on it. The dude died. You might to let ANUS know that his plunger-up-the-butt routine is riskier than he thinks. If he slips on that thing no amount of disinfecting is going save him.Got Butt Toys?
I'm not convinced that ANUS is for real but I used his letter because I know for a fact that there are people out there putting things up their butts that they shouldn't. That said, I find the above plunger-related horror stories to be a little dubious. A friend is a paramedic, a friend had a boyfriend—don't a lot of urban myths start that way? But the best advice for ANUS—better than mine—comes from "laurelgardner" in the comments thread on this week's column:
This is what I would advise ANUS to do:Get a craft product called Friendly Plastic. It's a microwave-melted, moldable plastic. It's low-temp melt so you can sculpt with it by hand, but not so low-tempt that your body heat will soften it (unless you're running a fever of 110, in which case you'll be to busy dying to play with sex toys). It's non-toxic and hardens to be non-porous (making it, actually, safer than most butt toys you can buy) and is available at arts, crafts and hobby stores. You can use it with oil-based lubes, too.
Buy some plastic. Use it to make some dragon models or something in plain sight of your parents. They'll get used to you coming down to microwave a lump of plastic in a cup of hot water. But in the privacy of your room, sculpt that lump into the butt toy of your dreams WITH A FLANGE ON THE END, let it cool for a few minutes, then go to town. When you're done, toss the toy back in some hot water to both disinfect it and transform it back into a shapeless lump that your parents will never dream of suspecting. If you can get a hot pot in your room so that you'll always have hot water right on hand, you're golden.
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1
Perhaps the Stranger could start a butt-plug bank where folks could drop of their unwanted toys and where folks who wanted one could pick one up. You could start with a box on Paul Constant's desk.
3
Not that the danger isn't real, but that's three FOAFs you've got there, which makes zero credible sources. That's the very definition of an urban legend. Even if it's true.
5
Hmm. When I looked at the title of this post, my (occasionally) dyslexic brain saw "Sausage Love Letters of the Day." Pretty close.
7
Fnarf is right aboth the credibility of FOAF stories, but the message should no be lost. Fucking yourself with a goddamn toilet plunger has the potential for some really really REALLY bad repercussions.
8
My goodness, laurelgardner is one crafty and sex-positive individual. I'm past needing to hide sex toys and I still kind of want to try this.
9
I used friendly plastic in grade school to sculpt abe lincoln for a class project. that shit was amazing, but smells pretty horrid.
ps. i did not put abe up my butt.
ps. i did not put abe up my butt.
11
Reminds me of The Wet Spots *musical comedy duo from Vancouver* song "PSA", which I personally think should be played in every sex ed class for the post-pubescent, not only because it's clever & funny, but because they preach the truth!
Here's a youtube performance, live at the Sydney Opera House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuBomS6SE…
Lyrics:
Honey, if like us you linger
Around your backside with a finger
And stimulate your prostate just for fun
It's natural to fantasize
About a toy of larger size
And by all means, friend
Go out and purchase one
But should your prudishness preempt it
Then you may be sorely tempted
To improvise with what you have on hand
I know it seems a perfect fit
We advise you, wait a bit
Listen to this song
And you will understand
Never put a fish in your bum, chum
Not even one tiny little fishstick in your bum
Never put a fish in your hole, Joel
That frozen snapper's going to be too cold
Well, it will give you an erection
But it's sure to cause infection
So never never never never never never never never never never put a fish in your bum
Never put a vacuum in your bum, chum
Never put that shiny tented hose in your bum
(And don't put it on your cock, either)
Never put a vacuum in your crack, Jack
There's better ways to tidy up round back
Well, I'll bet you a hundred and fifty bucks
That the experience is really gonna suck
So never never never never never never never never never never put a vacuum in your bum
Never put a cellphone in your bum, mum
That's just a general rule of thumb
Never put a cellphone in your ass, Cass
Ain't no reception up your (?) pass
Radiation causes sterilization
And eventual loss of all sensation
So never never never never never never never never never never put a cellphone in your bum
Never put a bowling up your ass
That's just crass
That mother's never gonna pass
Don't roll that big thing up your lane, Jane
Have you gone totally insane?
Although it's safer than a trout
It can be hard to get the damn thing out
So never never never never never never never never never never put a bowling ball in your ass
Folks, folks, the Wet Spots, The Wet Spots care about your bums
We love your bums
And every year thousands of people are hospitalized because they make bad anal choices
That's right, honey
And we want you to know that you can save yourself a trip to the emergency room if you just make a short detour to the toy store and buy yourself a quality silicone butt plug
I hear women's wear is nice
Not that kind of plug, honey
But you should know never to buy a novelty toy, because novelties are meant to be kept on your knick-knack shelf, beside your fake vomit and your Whoopie cushion
If it's a novelty, it might be made out of softened PVC, which is a material so toxic that Health Canada banned its use for dog toys
So buy silicone folks
And remember, your ass is not a joke
If you accept these tips
In your pursuit of anal kicks
You're sure to have a lot of good clean fun
You're going to have a ball
Just relax and start out small
And don't forget to wash it when you're done
Shooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-do-wa! Ahh!
:)
More...
Here's a youtube performance, live at the Sydney Opera House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuBomS6SE…
Lyrics:
Honey, if like us you linger
Around your backside with a finger
And stimulate your prostate just for fun
It's natural to fantasize
About a toy of larger size
And by all means, friend
Go out and purchase one
But should your prudishness preempt it
Then you may be sorely tempted
To improvise with what you have on hand
I know it seems a perfect fit
We advise you, wait a bit
Listen to this song
And you will understand
Never put a fish in your bum, chum
Not even one tiny little fishstick in your bum
Never put a fish in your hole, Joel
That frozen snapper's going to be too cold
Well, it will give you an erection
But it's sure to cause infection
So never never never never never never never never never never put a fish in your bum
Never put a vacuum in your bum, chum
Never put that shiny tented hose in your bum
(And don't put it on your cock, either)
Never put a vacuum in your crack, Jack
There's better ways to tidy up round back
Well, I'll bet you a hundred and fifty bucks
That the experience is really gonna suck
So never never never never never never never never never never put a vacuum in your bum
Never put a cellphone in your bum, mum
That's just a general rule of thumb
Never put a cellphone in your ass, Cass
Ain't no reception up your (?) pass
Radiation causes sterilization
And eventual loss of all sensation
So never never never never never never never never never never put a cellphone in your bum
Never put a bowling up your ass
That's just crass
That mother's never gonna pass
Don't roll that big thing up your lane, Jane
Have you gone totally insane?
Although it's safer than a trout
It can be hard to get the damn thing out
So never never never never never never never never never never put a bowling ball in your ass
Folks, folks, the Wet Spots, The Wet Spots care about your bums
We love your bums
And every year thousands of people are hospitalized because they make bad anal choices
That's right, honey
And we want you to know that you can save yourself a trip to the emergency room if you just make a short detour to the toy store and buy yourself a quality silicone butt plug
I hear women's wear is nice
Not that kind of plug, honey
But you should know never to buy a novelty toy, because novelties are meant to be kept on your knick-knack shelf, beside your fake vomit and your Whoopie cushion
If it's a novelty, it might be made out of softened PVC, which is a material so toxic that Health Canada banned its use for dog toys
So buy silicone folks
And remember, your ass is not a joke
If you accept these tips
In your pursuit of anal kicks
You're sure to have a lot of good clean fun
You're going to have a ball
Just relax and start out small
And don't forget to wash it when you're done
Shooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-do-wa! Ahh!
:)
12
@1: Excellent idea. I don't have a spare butt plug to contribute but I do have a pre-owned Head Honcho masturbator that I'm willing to donate; it's only slightly stretched out of shape. Please note that it has "Tate's Funtime Horsefarm, Tenn" stamped at its base.
13
Thanks, Dan! You've made my day. Glad I could help. :-)
@9 - Really? They must have changed the formula since then (or we're talking different stuff), 'cuz the plastic I work with is totally odorless. No chemicals or dyes or weird stuff, just plastic.
@9 - Really? They must have changed the formula since then (or we're talking different stuff), 'cuz the plastic I work with is totally odorless. No chemicals or dyes or weird stuff, just plastic.
14
Are you sure that friendly plastic is BPA free?!? Poor people are going to be getting anal cancer all over the place.
15
There is a wonderful website devoted to collecting emergency room reports of foreign objects in asses. You wouldn't believe what people put up their butts - glass bottles and light bulbs(!) are popular. The category "Wooden stick/broom handle" is one of the most common, and would probably include toilet plungers. These are ER reports. You only go to ER if you are still alive. From the ER figures, I can guarantee people have died impaled on plungers.
17
@15, I note that you didn't provide any links.
Even if this website you reference exists, they are still FOAF reports. There's no such thing as an official ER report, and if there was HIPAA regulations would prohibit their release to ANYONE, especially for entertainment purposes.
Yes, I'm sure it's true that people stuff weird things up their asses, and sometimes have to go to the emergency room because of it, but 9 out of 10 of these is scuttlebutt amongst medical staff, repeating stories they've heard. Urban legend, in other words.
Please note also that "urban legend" doesn't mean "false"; it just means unverified and transmitted in traditional UL ways. Many ULs are true.
Even if this website you reference exists, they are still FOAF reports. There's no such thing as an official ER report, and if there was HIPAA regulations would prohibit their release to ANYONE, especially for entertainment purposes.
Yes, I'm sure it's true that people stuff weird things up their asses, and sometimes have to go to the emergency room because of it, but 9 out of 10 of these is scuttlebutt amongst medical staff, repeating stories they've heard. Urban legend, in other words.
Please note also that "urban legend" doesn't mean "false"; it just means unverified and transmitted in traditional UL ways. Many ULs are true.
19
I once encountered a book consisting of nothing but case reports of how various individuals (almost always men) ended up with clinically documented masturbation accidents (roughly half of them due to rectal foreign objects, most of the rest due to autoerotic asphyxiation or something similarly foolish). I found the one about the concrete enema particularly amusing. (He lived, happily, and I think they managed to extract the solidified mass without even resorting to surgery.)
Again, clinically documented, not friend-of-a-friend, not urban legends. I wish I could remember the name, but it's been 15 years since I read it. This shit happens.
Again, clinically documented, not friend-of-a-friend, not urban legends. I wish I could remember the name, but it's been 15 years since I read it. This shit happens.
20
@14 - It claims to be non-toxic. I'm sure it's better than all those weird, smelly mystery jelly substances most "adult novelties" are made of. It doesn't claim to be medical grade, though.
21
This so wrong on so many levels, this dangerous advice of "friendly plastic"? This stuff is surreal. You should not be posting mr. Savage. You know, you're not a doctor and you shouldn't be giving advice of this sort, especially to minors to introduce any sort of foreign material into their anus.
"I know for a fact that there are people out there putting things up their butts that they shouldn't", Reflect on that for a moment.
"I know for a fact that there are people out there putting things up their butts that they shouldn't", Reflect on that for a moment.
22
"hat said, I find the above plunger-related horror stories to be a little dubious. A friend is a paramedic, a friend had a boyfriend—don't a lot of urban myths start that way?"
Exactly. While I'm sure these things happen, the people come off sounding like gossipy bullshitters.
"You should not be posting mr. Savage. You know, you're not a doctor and you shouldn't be giving advice of this sort, especially to minors to introduce any sort of foreign material into their anus."
Shove *your* advice back up your anus where your head firmly rests.
Exactly. While I'm sure these things happen, the people come off sounding like gossipy bullshitters.
"You should not be posting mr. Savage. You know, you're not a doctor and you shouldn't be giving advice of this sort, especially to minors to introduce any sort of foreign material into their anus."
Shove *your* advice back up your anus where your head firmly rests.
24
@14: I looked up the MSDS of friendly plastic (http://www.amaco.com/pdfs/MSDS-Friendly%…), and unless I'm really misreading this, it's a form of polyester, and thereby BPA-free. Good catch, though.
@21: I've actually done what laurelgardner suggested, though not for reasons of secrecy. I'm still around, no problems, and far as I'm aware friendly plastic is much safer for such use than many/most commercially available butt toys. You don't need a doctorate to figure this stuff out, just the ability to do a little research.
@21: I've actually done what laurelgardner suggested, though not for reasons of secrecy. I'm still around, no problems, and far as I'm aware friendly plastic is much safer for such use than many/most commercially available butt toys. You don't need a doctorate to figure this stuff out, just the ability to do a little research.
25
@LC 21:
The subtlety of your last remark has not escaped me. You are one crafty troll. Let me ask you, though, why do you post here? You must be aware by now that you and Dan have extremely divergent fundamental values (his, equality, yours, discrimination). And I can see that we lovely Sloggers will probably never change you. I ask simply out of curiosity... why do you come here every day and post comments you know will insight outrage and recriminations? What do you get out of this?
The subtlety of your last remark has not escaped me. You are one crafty troll. Let me ask you, though, why do you post here? You must be aware by now that you and Dan have extremely divergent fundamental values (his, equality, yours, discrimination). And I can see that we lovely Sloggers will probably never change you. I ask simply out of curiosity... why do you come here every day and post comments you know will insight outrage and recriminations? What do you get out of this?
26
@21 - Actually, doctors ARE the ones who say that guys should be putting things up their puts. Prostrate massage is good for preventing prostate cancer. The "Aneros" butt toy was invented by a proctologist for this very reason.
Fail. Again.
Fail. Again.
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