OMF-ing G, OMF-ing G, O-M-F-ing G! Did you see that debate? Tonight? For mayor or whatever? Riveting. Scorching. Sexy.

Well, at least Joe Mallahan was sexy (super-sexy!), with his big sliver toaster head (mmm…sex toaster!), and his dried-blood-red Ronald-Regan power tie and dignified plain black suit ensemble (which the tragically UNSEXY other candidate/Grizzly Adams-man Mike McGinn TOTALLY ripped-off in every detail, by the way—the lucid bastard is obviously having Mallahan followed). Let me be honest with you here: that rich toaster man Joe Mallahan is one SECK-SHEE BASTARD!

It’s the little things.

His passion for going over time. His rigid jowl-line. His message! “Drive effencies!” “Drive accountability!” “You've got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can drive away!” (We gotta make a decision!) He's the Cadillac of candidates. And it is so desperately adorable the way he sounds all stuffed-up and slurred and novocained--like he’s fighting a cute little cold (or a cute little coke habit)! And he “gets it,” man. He really just “gets it." (And he can afford to get more, if need be—a lot more.) He understands tunnels! And “communities of color"! They’re where he culls most of his Jay-Z ringtone revenues. He wields a pen as a speech-making device like slightly younger Bob Dole. And he used the word “obfuscate.”

Hold me. I shudder.

Also, Joe (I feel comfortable calling him “Joe" now; “Joseph” when he's been naughty) drinks his water from a clear plastic bottle. You can see right through it! That's transparency! You know whaty you're dealing with: Hey! That’s just good old H20! (Or maybe vodka!) The point is, Michael McGinn drinks his “water” (or whatever) from an—ahem—obfuscating blue plastic cup. The cheap kind; the kind you get at a poor-people picnic. What’s Mike McGinn really drinking in that poor people picnic cup? Burbon? Baby’s blood? Beard juice? WHO THE HELL KNOWS?!

And such a gentleman! I love the way McGinn or whoever confronts Joe (back off, Grizzly Adams!) about Joe Mallahan's deep-pocketed connections to the deep pockets that are deep pocketing this entire silly “tunnel” thing, and Joe just ignores him. Like a proper gentleman. He just politely freezes out the question and starts talking about how popular he is! And RICH! That's class!