Hi, Dan. I recently discussed some concerns I had about a potential BDSM play encounter with my professor/friend, and she called in to you at your podcast and you called her back and left a message for me on her voicemail (it's in Episode 157). She had me listen to the message that you left her that day. I wanted to let you know that I really did appreciate the advice that you gave. I had already seen the guy in question, though. Luckily everything turned out fine and I am okay, but I acknowledge that I was acting reckless, with little reguard for my safety, and it was a dumb thing to do. Since listening to your message, I have been researching safe BDSM groups in my area so that I can learn safe practices. Thank you again.

Naive Young Sub

How did it go? Did you have sex with this guy? Did he do that "fear play" stuff with you? Glad you lived.

Dan

NYS's response—and a letter from the "fear-play" top she met up with—are after the jump.

UPDATE: The "fear-play" top responds at greater length—also after the jump.

It went alright I think, we did have sex, but he didn't do the fear play stuff. He was pretty cordial, and he said that he's done that sort of thing, but he wouldn't do it with someone that didn't want it. He had me fill out a sheet with my hard/soft limits, and we discussed it beforehand. I see now how I could have easily gotten myself in a situation where he just decided to do whatever he wanted, and it would have been too late at that point. Not sure if I should see him again, he seems like a really fun, nice guy, but I don't know if it's too risky. I haven't done a lot of this meeting up with doms, so I underestimated the risk a bit, I believe.

Hey, not sure if you got updated, so I thought you'd like to know, the "fucking stupid" girl did indeed live through the encounter and made it out quite safely. We also didn't play, even after the 3 hour drive. I did jokingly say, "You'll never live through this," and got smacked on the back of the head though. So I was assaulted on our first date. God protects the fools? Perhaps.

Sincerely,

The Sadistic Psychopath

P.S.: I'm technically a sociopath, but it's ok, most non-psychologists can't correctly define either of those terms.

Hey, TSP, thanks for writing. First, I don't think I called you a sadistic sociopath in my response. That was in the episode summary... and i didn't write that or see it before it went up. Sorry about that—please don't hurt me. And you say you didn't play... but NYS said you did have sex, even if you didn't do any fear-play scenario stuff. Care to clarify?

Best,

Dan

Before me and the student met up, she accused me of being a "sociopath." So, when she called me up (in a panic) to warn me about what you'd said (she was afraid I'd be mad), my reaction was "But I'm not a psychopath, I'm clearly a sociopath." It's kind of an inside joke. I apologize for not being clearer. It struck me as funny at the time.

Actually, we've seen each other three times now. The first time, the time which gave the sex ed. teacher cause to call into your show, which Episode 157 refers to, we did not play. Well, she got a good night kiss but, let's be honest here, that's not exactly playing. The third time we met, we did, indeed, have sex.

From listening to the show, I can understand your panic. I'm not going to spend an inordinate amount of time defending myself, but I will say the girl in question did meet me at a public place (a restaurant), she did not give me her home address, she did have someone give her a safe-call about an hour after we met, and we stayed in public areas. She had my personal cell phone number, which is my primary number, my "home number" goes straight to a fax machine (though she could have had it if she wanted it) and my work number just goes to yet another cell phone. I didn't balk at giving her references. But I told her any BDSM references I had were either in the closet or online (and hadn't played with me personally) so they wouldn't do her much good but she was free to talk to the online ones (and she did). She also spoke to my wife on several occassions, even before this turned into a "Hey, let's meet up" type of scenario. So she had "references." I just didn't have a signed letter of recommendation from Jay Wiseman. I'm active in the community online, but I don't really attend the local events, as those people are just freaky scary.

So while meeting up with psychopaths you met online in itself is generally a dangerous practice, I feel like she did so in the safest manner possible.

As for the rest? I don't mind the summary, far worse things have been said about me. I still think it's funny. There wasn't anything your caller said that was untrue, so I can't really be mad at her, and given the information you had, I would say your response was extremely sound. I wouldn't have met up with me either. That's scary shit.