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We got through about 40 guidoriffic minutes of Jersey Shore—and, man, the commercial breaks on MTV seem eternal after watching shows on hulu.com for months—but we had to turn off the TV after those WHOREBAGS took their thongs off in the hot tub. (Then I rolled over and read the New Yorker, whipsawing my brain between lower-than-low-pop culture and high-mid-upper-middlebrow culture just like that! SNAP!) My boyfriend didn't think the girls—the guidas? like latinas?—could really be that upset about those WHOREBAGS taking off their g-string panties in the hot tup because, like, their panties were basically twat floss and there's not a lot of difference between nude WHOREBAGS in your hot tub and g-stringed WHOREBAGS in your hot tub. He suspected something else about the presence of those WHOREBAGS bothered the guidas... maybe they assumed the guidos had committed to being hot-tub-gangbang monogamous to them all summer?

But the reason we turned off the TV after 40 minutes was because we couldn't tell anyone apart. It was frustrating and made the show impossible to follow. But is it racist to admit that all guidos/guidas look alike to us? Seriously: from one minute the next we couldn't figure out who the fuck was who. The show was all a blur of fake-baked tits and upswept black hairdos and appalling tattoos and gold crosses getting lost in cleavage—and those were just the boys.

And we weren't the only ones unimpressed by Jersey Shore: Dominos Pizza has yanked their ads. Maybe Dominos doesn't approve of so many self-identified Catholics having so much premarital sex?