I almost went to this, but then I just couldn't do it: Last night was the world premiere of the Fathom Events live simulcast of Glenn Beck's reading of The Christmas Sweater, his (bestselling!) children's book about Christmas.

However! We are lucky, because Dave Holmes over at My Year of Everything went to see The Christmas Sweater, and his review is required reading for the morbidly curious:

I went with my hilarious friend Brendan McLoughlin, who bought the crucial pre-show drinks. That put me in charge of the tickets, which I purchased like a teenager buying porn. “Two for the Glenn Beck thing,” I whispered into the microphone. We were a minute or two late, so in the dark I couldn’t tell who was there for real and who for fun. But out of courtesy to both parties, there really should have been an open mockery section.

Glenn Beck starts crying almost immediately. Like, in his introductory comments. Like, very early in his introductory comments. Like, literally fifteen seconds into the show. And his tears are the tears of someone who’s trying very, very hard to produce tears. Is there anything more uncomfortable than being in the presence of someone who’s trying to make himself cry? As it happens, yes: being in a movie theater full of people who are eating it the fuck up. The open mockery section, we learned right away, held exactly two people.

Please go read the whole thing. If this review (and your self-loathing) inspires you to want to see this movie, you're in luck: There will be an encore performance of Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater on Thursday, December 10th.