I'm a gay male in my 30s and I'm a big fan of your column. I'll be honest—I don't always agree with your advice, but you're honest and it's entertaining. I wonder though why you often advise ending a relationship when a couple can't come to a consensus. Doesn't that happen most of the time in most relationships? With respect to your advice for the foot fetishist this week: Is that the only aspect of his relationship that he should care about? What if that woman isn't into his fetish, but in all other aspects she's a perfect 10? The same holds true for the guy who cheated in a previous relationship, but is currently monogamous and seems mostly happy. Sure, talking about opening a relationship or talking through ALL of your concerns is healthy. But if consensus can't be had on one or two issues, is it really worth throwing it all away?

In my relationship, my partner doesn't always honor my sexual requests and it's sometimes very frustrating. (I have a higher libido than he does.) We've discussed open relationships, but realize it could complicate things a lot and open us up to potential diseases that we're not willing to deal with. (Let's face it, sex with multiple partners is the biggest reason for the rampant spread of AIDS and other STDs throughout the world the past 30 years. And sure, "safe sex" can help prevent the spread, but it does not protect against everything.) Even through my relationship isn't perfect and doesn't provide complete happiness—I argue that love is more important and that nothing in our imperfect world will ever provide complete happiness. The search for perfection may even provide a life of misery. I have heard that "perfection is the enemy of good and achievable."

Will people still cheat and relationships fail because of dishonesty? Certainly. However, it's probably the discussion of the taboo that is the most important aspect of a relationship. And without sounding overly pious, I believe forgiveness is also extremely important. Perhaps if people would consider those aspects of a relationship, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high!

Perfection Isn't Realistic

My response after the jump...

No two people are perfect for each other, of course, and as I've said for years, PIR, there's no settling down without settling for. I've also pointed out many times that "Savage Love" is an advice column not binding arbitration. I told "Sexually Frustrated Fetishist" to dump his girlfriend, true, but he is free to disregard my advice. If SFF's girlfriend is a 10 in every other way and being with her is worth it—worth swallowing his sexual frustration for the next five or six decades—then SFF has my full support should he decide to ignore my advice to stay with her.

But I didn't advise SFF to dump his girlfriend merely because she won't allow him to touch her feet. Her refusal to indulge him in a sexual pleasure that requires so little from her—he's not asking her to learn to tie complicated knots or lay in a tube of ice for 45 minutes before coming to bed—points to more trouble down the road. That kind of selfishness and inconsideration rarely manifests itself in just one area; if this is how she's treating him where his fetish is concerned, PIR, odds are good that she will treat him just as shabbily in other areas (if she isn't already). Also factored into my advice for SFF: he's only 23-years-old and he's been with this woman for four years. Settling down requires settling for, yes, but 19 is awfully young to settle for someone with so little regard for your sexual needs and fulfillment.

As for my advice for Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude, PIR, AHND said that he cheated in his past relationships and was likely to cheat on his current parter. And while he'd always been a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) in the past, PIR, he wanted to be honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) in the future. I didn't advise AHND to break up with his girlfriend, PIR, but to be honest with her about what he wants and what he's capable of, commitment-wise. An awkward conversation, yes, and potentially a relationship-ending one. But it's also an unavoidable conversation if AHND is going to be an honest nonmonogamous dude and not a cheating piece of shit.

But I agree with you, PIR: no relationship is perfect and we all have to make compromises and concessions. I just don't think the person with the fetish or higher libido should automatically be expected to make the relationship-saving compromise in all cases. SFF isn't asking a lot. Before we tell him to go without for the sake of the relationship, perhaps we should ask SFF's girlfriend to go there for the sake of the relationship. AHND knows that he's not cut out for a monogamous commitment. I think that's something his partner has a right to know, don't you? She can make up her own mind about staying with him after they talk. Maybe strict monogamy is something she's willing to compromise on to be with him—hell, maybe she's up for a nonmonogamous relationship too.

And I agree that the divorce rate is too high. Which is why I think SFF should marry someone good, giving, and game enough to meet his needs—so that he'll be content in his marriage—and AHND should be honest with his partner before he marries her.