Here’s the question… I’m a 27 yo straight FM, been dating my BF for almost 2 years. He’s awesome… funny, smart, weird as hell… 7 months ago he was laid off from his job in the finance sector. It sucked but we were sure he would find something again soon. Now it’s 7, almost 8, months later. Still nothing. Since then he has moved home to save money (we don’t cohabitate yet as he wants to ‘do it right’ whatever that means) while I have gotten a promotion and bought a house. Big differences, I guess.

I love him dearly and do want to marry him eventually. We often talk about kids names, etc. Recently, ‘helpful’ friends (and him in a more indirect way) have been saying if I want to marry him and pursue a future with this guy, then I should just do it now. Their take: why wait? I, however, want to wait until things are more ‘settled’ meaning he is gainfully employed. But I hear what they are saying… why, if I love this guy, do I want to postpone the inevitable? Isn’t marriage all about sharing joys and sorrows? If I’m unwilling and unable to move forward when things are admittedly sucky with him, does that mean that I’m not truly in love with him? I can’t help but feeling that I am a shitty girlfriend and maybe that I don’t even really love him.

Your Thoughts?

My response after the jump...

If your situations were reversed—if your boyfriend had a secure job and owned a home and you were unemployed, through no fault of your own, and temporarily living with your parents—would you even hesitate to marry him if he asked? Probably not, YT, so what does your hesitance tell us?

Hm... I'm thinking it tells us that there could be a sexist double standard at work here.

Unless there's something else going on that you neglected to mention—unless he's unemployed eight months after being laid off because he's a directionless and apathetic slug and not just another person fucked by the current economic crisis (that he may have had a role in creating through his work in the "finance sector")—your reluctance to make an honest man out him may not mean you love him any less, YT, only that you've thoughtlessly succumbed to an ever-more-destructive sexual stereotype about men: a man has to make more money than a woman in order for her to find him attractive. Women are sex objects, men are success objects, blah blah blah. Because, hey, a man is worthless if he can't... what? Provide. Be the breadwinner. Take care of his wife and family. Sorry, YT, but men—and women—can't afford the luxury of those sexist assumptions anymore. Even before this recession hit—and this recession is hitting men harder (70% of the jobs losses have been among men; women now surpass men in the workforce)—women are in the workforce to stay. Women are still discriminated against—even though such discrimination is illegal—but women compete and women win. And what do they win? Good, high-paying jobs, jobs that used to be reserved exclusively for... men.

A modern woman—a woman who makes the kind of money that allows her to buy a house on one salary—who can't see herself marrying a man who makes less money than she does, or supporting a man who makes no money at all, i.e. a stay-at-home dad, doesn't really believe in the equality of the sexes and may wind up fucking herself out of the love her life because she's invested in dated stereotypes about men and women and money and power and the way relationships between men and women are supposed to work.

The world has changed. For good, YT, forever. You helped change it. And unless there's some other reason why you shouldn't marry this guy—gambling problem? no ambition? momma's boy?—you might want to propose to him before some other woman comes along and makes an honest man/househusband/stay-at-home dad out of him.

And now... for your listening pleasure... the song referenced in the title of this post... a reference the show queens out there spotted instantly...